The Strange Medium Guy with a Bad Haircut (aka Pearson Mui) Presents Anime Detective: Holiday Hassles (Author's note: This takes place after Anime Detective: Harrowing Halloween.) The city was quiet for this time of year. Everywhere you looked, you saw Santas on the corners, string lights around every tree, and last-minute Christmas sales in every store. Even the crooks seemed to have taken the day off. Of course, that explains why I haven't. The only thing that could require my attention was a report in Mechatown, something about Char Aznable's Zak being painted like a big candy cane. I ignored it. So here I was, stuck to my desk, with four hours to go. I was asking myself, not for the first time, one of those eternal questions. Fruitcake. Why does it have to be fruitcake? Sure, all those Animates mean well when they send me this stuff, but this is a little too much. The stack of fruitcakes on my desk rivals a week's worth of paperwork. A really *heavy* week of paperwork. Oh, well. At least it isn't anything deadly, like C-ko's cooking. "Ohiiiiiiiiyaaaaa Mays-sama! Look what I made especially for you!" a bright voice squealed. Oy. It's the poster girl for sunny dispositions (and low IQs), C-ko. Great, just great. Thank you *so* much whoever's up there. For some odd reason, though, I don't seem to be going into shock. She hands this gift-wrapped lunchbox (at least, I think it's a lunchbox) to me, babbling something about how she's never worked so hard on something like this before. This sorta puts me in something of a bind. Y'see, if I try it (and I *know* it's toxic), there's a very good chance that I'm not gonna be able to enjoy my pension. On the other hand, if I refuse, every window in the building'll shatter from her bawling. Hm. The devil or the deep blue sea? I'm gonna need help. Right now, it's taking everything I've got to not go nutsoid at C-ko's very presence. "Oi! Andy!" A very familiar voice called out from the hallway. "Y'think this is enough mistletoe for the place?" Thankyouthankyouthankyou! Okay, so it's only Ryo, and he's calling me "Andy" again, but right now I don't care. I rose from my desk...and found the whole hallway ceiling plastered with mistletoe. I don't think there was a square inch of ceiling that wasn't covered with the stuff. "Umm....don't you think you're kinda overdoing it, Ryo?" "Maybe," he smirked. "But, look at it this way. If any cute girls show up, they won't have an excuse to not give me a kiss." Yeesh. That smirk grew into a full-blown lecherous grin. Not a pretty sight. "'Scuse me, but that's not exactly what most people have in mind around this time of year. I mean, this is supposed to be a time where you give something of yourself--" I stopped short as my mind fell into the gutter, then the sewer. I stopped at about five miles beneath the Earth's crust, which is where Ryo's mind resides most of the time. Eeewwwwww..... "Heh, I can just imagine a girl's face when I `give' them an introduction to mokkori-cha--" POOOOMMM! "Ooooo...pretty flowers." THUD! He went down like an oak, seriously denting a wall in the process. Crimanately, this guy is disgusting. He could probably think of sex in the middle of a childbirth. Oh, well. I dragged him to the office, where C-ko awaited my judgement on her so-called "lunch." "What happened to him, Mays-sama?" she asked, blinking. "He, uh, sorta tripped while hanging the mistletoe. By the way, I forgot to tell you that I'm sorta on a diet. Gotta keep in shape, y'know." "B-but...not even one little bite?" Oog...get a hold of yourself, Mays. It would not be good to look weak in front of her just because she's acting cutesy. "I had a big lunch already," I lied. "But Ryo hasn't had lunch yet. Maybe you could give a little bit of it to him." "Hmm....okay," she pouted. "But only if you have a little, too." "Deal." Damn, I thought I wouldn't have to taste that stuff. "Say `ahhh..'" C-ko shoveled in a healthy lump of UCSS (Unidentifiable Chartreuse Slimy Stuff) into Ryo's mouth. For a sec, I thought I heard a high-pitched voice say "I am not a foodstuff...I am a living being---AIIEEE!" before it went down my partner's gullet. I was fighting the urge to say something weird like "it's alive...ALIVE!!" "Mrf?!" Ryo turned red, then violet, then orange, and then an unusual pattern of red and green plaid. Kinda appropriate given the season, but I don't think that combination was meant for the human face. "BLEAGH! WHAT'RE YOU TRYING TO DO, POISON ME?!" he bellowed, spitting out UCSS. The stuff wriggled as it hit the floor, scrambling off to Stan's place next door. I heard it mutter some plans for taking over the world as it scurried off. "B-but...I spent all night yesterday cooking that..." C-ko replied, her eyes filling with tears. Before she could go all out bawling, the rest of the so-called "lunch" had decided that they wouldn't share their companion's fate. So, they slimed, bounced, rolled, and hopped their way outside of the confines of the box. Now, seeing as how most lunches don't walk away from a person, I decided to check out where they were going. It's actually kinda funny, now that I think about it. Out in the hallway, there was this blue guy with a big "N" on his chest, and Stan's next to him. Judging by their discussion, the blue guy was a little peeved at having received a few parking tickets, considering that he didn't even have a car. At the sight of the edible(?) armada, the blue guy turned and made a few poses. "Halt, vile miscreant! You face the wrath of--" "Marvin the Martian." Stan whispered. "--Marvin the Martian! Er...no, that can't be right. Hmm...oh, wait, I know! I am Ninjor, guardian of the power of ninja, and a guy you do not want to mess wi--" SPLUT! The UCSS hurled itself at Ninjor's face, and the guy trailed sparks from that general area. Meanwhile, the rest of the former foodstuffs marched towards him, obviously not pleased at being challenged. "Next time, C-ko, you might wanna try microwave cooking." I suggested. "I did, but it blew up." "What were you cooking?" "Eggs." "Raw eggs?" "A microwave's for cooking, isn't it?" "Whatever." I have *got* to get away from this girl. "By the way, I don't suppose you've gotten anything for A-ko yet?" "Ooo! Thanks for reminding me! Gotta go, Detective! Byyeee!" *Thank* you, whoever's up there. Two more hours to go, and I'm free. Why do I get the feeling that those'll be the *longest* two hours in the history of time? "Hello, Detective. Have you seen Ryo around?" Whoof. Where there's Kaori, there's usually trouble...for Ryo. "Yeah, I think he went for some coffee or something. He should be off work in a few minutes. Is this a casual clobbering, or is there another reason why you're here?" "It's nothing, really. I just--I just wanted to know if that hentai wanted to go with me to the Cat's Eye," she said, her voice a bit more hesitant than I was used to. "Not that it matters to *me*, anyway. Frankly, I couldn't care less what that sukebe wanted to do. I just figured that I should be nice. You know, Christmas and all that." "I see." SLAP!! "How *dare* you ask me that?!" a feminine voice shrieked. "What? WHAT?!" I heard my partner's voice coming down the hall. "Sheez, I just asked if they were...yeep!" he exclaimed, opening the door and catching a good look at her face. You know, the face that says, "you will see stars in .002 seconds." KER-WHAMMO! "Oog." Thud. Hm. Nice form, good follow-through, and the utterly ticked-off look on her face was a nice touch. I give it a 9.6. "You realize that this kinda kills any chance of him driving." I remarked. "Why does he *always* do this?" Kaori muttered, almost to herself. "I guess it helps him deal. I just wish there was some other outlet for all that energy of his." Sigh. "Now I have to drag his carcass into the car." "Need some help?" "I can handle it." I then said something that I normally wouldn't if Ryo was conscious. "Kaori?" "Hm?" She looked up. "Go easy on him, huh?" She actually smiled. Was that a look of fondness I saw on her face when she glanced at Ryo? Hm. Maybe their relationship can be salvaged. I'll have to keep that in mind. One hour left. I hate waiting. "Hello? Detective?" "Oh, hey Kasumi," I say. I couldn't help but notice that there were a few snowflakes in her hair. Great. Another thing to worry about when I go home tonight. "You didn't have to come all the way out here. I could have dropped by." "It's no trouble at all, Detective. I just thought you might want a little snack for tonight." With that, she placed a small wrapped bundle on my desk and bowed. "Ah, c'mon...you don't have to bow in front of me, Kasumi. We've known each other for what, *how* many years? Lessee...I first met you when I was just a foot cop on my beat." Whoa. Boy, do I feel old. She just smiled in that way that could probably light up the city. "It's all right, I don't mind. Oh! Before I forget, I just wanted to invite you to a small party. That is, if you don't mind." "I don't mind. Where's it at? Oh, duy..." I thudded myself. "Lemme guess, your place, right?" "Mm hm. I hope you don't mind." "Eh, that's okay, I don't mind. I'll be there." As soon as I wrangle myself out of going to the Chief's party. Don't get me wrong. He throws a nice bash and all that, but I'm not really in the mood for spiked eggnog and impromptu shooting matches. I kinda like something a little more quiet. "I guess I'll see you later, then." "Kasumi?" "Hm?" "Thanks for stopping by." "You're very welcome." Oh, geez...there's that smile again. Wonder what she gave me--cookies? This seems to be a trend. It'll be a nice change from all the fruitcake, at least. "Hey, Andy." Nene walked in, shaking a few drops of water from her hair. Great. It's *still* snowing. "Hm? Oh, hey kid. What're you doing here? I thought you had tonight off. Figured you might wanna spend it with your mom and dad, or maybe with the other girls." She shrugged. "I can see 'em a little later. I was just wondering what you were doing tonight. Where's Ryo, by the way? I noticed that he wasn't slobbering over me when I came in." "Oh, his old partner picked him up...off the floor after she clobbered him yet again." She chuckled, and shook her head. "I don't know what's with those two. It's pretty obvious that they like each other." "Maybe. Then again, there is the matter of why she kicked him out. I hate to sound like a shrink, but even I can see that there's some definite lack of maturity between those two." "It's like a soap opera, isn't it?" "Something like that. It's fun to watch, but I sure as hell wouldn't want to be in his shoes. Anyway, why the hell am I talking about Ryo? I think you were asking me if I was doing anything tonight, am I right?" "Um...something like that." She said, blushing. What's she so embarrassed about? "A date?" I ask her. It's a kind of running gag between the two of us. "Oh, don't you start on that." she fumed. "I just thought that you might want some company tonight. As *friends*." she emphasized. "Of course as friends. I wouldn't want it any other way. Anyway, Kasumi's having this little get-together at her place. Wanna come along?" "I don't want to cause any trouble..." "No trouble," I reassured her. "BTW, I don't suppose you've seen the Chief around, have you?" "I think he was checking out a bowl of eggnog." "WON-derful. Nine out of ten, I'll bet you that it'll get spiked." "No bet," she smiled. "How long until you're off duty?" "About twenty minutes." "Oh, good. Enough time for me to check my e-mail." She sat down and powered up her setup. I knew from experience that she was sorting through anecdotes, pictures, and the occasional fanboy marriage proposal. "How's it looking for that new series of yours?" "Hm? Oh. So far, so good," Nene replied, looking up from her monitor. "I just hope they don't change anything like my voice. I've gotten kind of used to it, you know." "Like Priss back in Crash, y'mean?" She winced. "Ugh. Just one dose of that allergy medicine really did a number on her. She didn't return to normal until a month *after* we were done. Never *mind* the fact that we kept acting out of character. I mean, we really had to keep a straight face with some of the lines they gave us. For example, Linna's not that greedy in real life." "Yeah, well..." A nagging thought wormed its way back into my mind, something that I'd been wondering ever since news of a new Bubblegum Crisis series came up. "Kid?" "Hm?" "Y'ever consider what you'll be doing, police-wise, if this thing *does* go through?" Blink blink. "I...really haven't thought about it." "Well, we'll work it out when we get to it, right?" "Un." she nodded, going back to her mail. It was actually nice and quiet in the office. Not boring quiet, just...peaceful. I'd even lost track of time until I saw the clock. Before I knew it, it was time to go. I intended to hightail it out of the station before it got messy. "Andrew!" The Chief greeted me, pressing a cup in my hand. "Have some eggnog. You too, Nene." "Um, Chief...I really sorta have to go..." He looked at me, then at Nene, and smiled slyly. "You know, there *are* rules against fraternization..." "CHIEF!!" We both exclaimed. "I'm just kidding, you two." He smirked, something I've found somewhat disquieting. "All right, you two wanna go? Go." "That's it? No arm-bendings? No veiled threats? You're just letting us go like that?" Weird. "Well, I suppose I could always take a second look at the budget..." "That's okay! That's fine! We're going! C'mon, kid." I muttered, jerking my head towards the door. "Have fun, you two." Criminately, now he sounds like my Dad. Oh, well. "Wait--what--Andy! What's the hurry?" Nene protested. "I've *been* to his Christmas parties, remember? Believe me, you *don't* want to linger." "Is it as bad as the Halloween party he threw?" "Worse." "Ew. Let's go." The trip to the Tendo Dojo went pretty quietly, all things considered. I took it easy for three reasons: First, because of the snow. Second, Nene probably wouldn't appreciate being plastered against a window if I made a high G turn. Third...I just got this baby back two days ago, and *boy* was I glad. Y'see, ever since my car got trashed back in October, I'd been going from one loaner car to another. First it was this ugly orange thing with a Confederate flag painted on it. Definitely not my style. Then there was that black Pontiac with that weird computer that talked to me. I got rid of that one *real* fast. The strangest of 'em all was this silvery stainless steel job with gull-wing doors. The dealer kept warning me *not* to go past 87 miles an hour. I parked in front of the place. Ironically enough, it was about the same area where Nene and I first met. "Gee, this place looks familiar." I remarked. "I haven't noticed." "Y'know, when we first met, you looked like you were scared stiff of me." "Well..." she fidgeted. "From what I'd heard of you then, you had something of a reputation for being...nasty." "Really? What'd people tell you? That I ate lead and spit out bullets?" This made her giggle. "No, just that you could be pretty vindictive." "And now that you've worked with me for a while?" "I think they exaggerated. You're a nice guy." "Shh...don't spread it around, okay? I've got a reputation to keep. C'mon, let's get going." We got out of the car and made our way to the front door. Stringlights were draped across the frame of the house, and the sounds of laughter and good times filtered outside. Add in the snow, and you've pretty much got a postcard setting. "Well, I guess this is the moment of truth." "I guess so." "Did you know that you're incredibly hard to shop for, kid? I must've passed by at least a dozen stores before I found your present. I know you didn't want any computer stuff, that's for sure. Anyway, here ya go. Now, if you hang on while I get out of range..." "What for?" she asked before she understood. "Uh huh...so it's like *that*, huh?" "Yeah, well...go ahead and open it." Riiiippp. Rustle rustle. She gasped, her eyes going wide from surprise. Slowly, a broad smile appeared on her face as she took out what was in the box. "Ohh my....cabbit slippers! They're so cuuuu--" "Oog..." I started leaning on a nearby wall. "Oh, sorry," Whew. "You got this for me?" "Eh," I shrugged. "I figured you might like 'em." "Like them? I *LOVE* them! Thank you!" she practically squealed. The next thing you know, I'm half hugged and half tackled by the kid. "Whoof! Umm...you're welcome." Hm. The weatherman said it'd be 20 degrees, but it feels pretty warm out here. Must be a fluke, because I sure as hell can't be--oh, hell, I *am* blushing. Damn. So much for being the unflappable Anime Detective. Oh, hell. It's Christmas, I'm entitled to be a regular joe once in a while. "Y'know," I began, "They had two kinds of slippers at the store. One was the kind you have right now, and the other--nah, nevermind." "Hm? What?" In the moonlight, she looks a lot younger than she usually does. I feel like I'm hugging a little kid--not that it's a bad thing. "Well, the other kind of slippers made a `miya' sound every time you took a step. I didn't think those would suit you very well, especially if you had to make a quick run to the door." "I can guess," she commented, that impish grin forming on her face. She pretended that her index and middle fingers were her legs and "walked" them across the top of the box. "Miyamiyamiyamiya--miyamiya," she chanted as each finger touched the box. I'm sorry, but at this time all my self control broke right then and there. You just *had* to be there. 'Course, Nene wasn't doing so well on self control either. It was a *long* while before we recovered enough, and even then we were letting out the occasional snigger. It's been a while since I've laughed like that around this time of year. "Well, here you go. I didn't know what to get you, so I sorta made something. Here." She handed me a small box. Rip rip. A CD-ROM and some instructions? "What's this?" "Oh, just something I programmed. I call it `Sailor Doom.'" she said, a mischievious glint evident in her eyes. "I hope you're not putting me in Usagi's viewpoint." I commented dryly. "Nope. Actually, I made it something more to your taste." "I'm gonna be blasting the Sailor Senshi?" "Mm hm." she nodded, a broad smile on her face. "I like it already." An idle thought occurred to me. "Y'know, in the movies, people at this point would look up to find mistletoe just above them. Then they'd shrug, kiss, and then the movie'd end." Nene looked at me, her eyes wide with shock at my bluntness. "Oh, look..." I commented, eyeing the framework above us. "No mistletoe." Was it my imagination, or did she sigh in relief? "Relax, kid. I wouldn't rush you into anything." Y'know...Christmas might not be too bad this year. That said, I leaned against a support post and sighed. "Detective?" "Hm? Oh, hey, Kasumi." "Would you two like to come inside?" "Hmm...sure, why not? You wanna come along, Nene?" "Okay!" she chirped, her face lighting up with a smile. NOT THE END... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- And now, for you readers, here's something strange that refused to leave my mind until I put it down on my computer. It's a product of constantly listening to "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" and kinda got mutated into something that Andrew would like. Ranma got run over by a reindeer Walking home to Tendo's Christmas Eve You can say there's no such thing as Santa But as for me and Genma we believe Now we all gathered around him He looked pale as he could be And even though the light's dim There were still some little hoofmarks we could see Not too many folks are really happy Poor Ryoga's not too well No, it's nothing really sappy The guy just couldn't send Ranma to hell Ranma got run over by a reindeer Walking home to Tendo's Christmas Eve You can say there's no such thing as Santa But as for me and Genma we believe Poor old Soun is crying fountains Saying "Ranma-kun, don't die!" His frozen tears are making mountains And Shampoo is thinking "Husband, why oh why?" It sure looks like Ranma's done for Clobbered in the prime of youth And now it seems he's no more His attacker bearing four fine cloven hooves Ranma got run over by a reindeer Walking home to Tendo's Christmas Eve You can say there's no such thing as Santa But as for me and Genma we believe Ranma's fiancee comes closer Slaps him more than a few times And he wakes up turning over Heaving from his stomach wet green slime Akane just asks one query "Did you like the food I made?" With a voice that's tired and weary He mutters one small word "Kawaiikune" (Hey, I *told* you it was strange, didn't I?) :-) EPILOGUE For once, I was actually feeling pretty good going to the office. Christmas had been peaceful, and the party at the Tendo's didn't get *too* out of hand. I'd gotten to the office early when I noticed that it wasn't locked. Hearing somebody whistle "Joy to the World," I prepped my mallet and opened the door. Ryo was about as relaxed as I'd seen him, with his feet propped on top of his desk. What was more unusual was that he was *early*. "Oi, Andrew! How was your Christmas?" "Pretty good," I admitted. "How 'bout yours? Last I saw, Kaori was doing a cavewoman thing on you." "Heh. Well, we...talked. About a lot of things. Yeah, we just talked." he said, answering my unspoken question. He's actually acting human. Amazing! Talk about your Christmas miracles. "And?" "Must be the season or something but...I'm gonna be moving back in with her. I'm staying on the force for now, though. I kinda like having a badge." "Good. Just don't screw this one up, Ryo." I warned him. "Who? Me?" THE END ---------------------------WARNING! AUTHOR BABBLE!----------------------------- Hmm...not much to say, really. Okay, so this is an actual short story, as opposed to my usual works. All right, so it's a Christmas story, and Ryo seems to have been given a second chance with Kaori. I'm working on it, okay? :-) As to there not being a case...well, not every day is an exciting one, even in Andrew's line of work. Well, there's really not much else to say. If you liked this story, let me know at pmui@jurai.net. Suggestions, comments, and constructive criticisms are always welcome. Merry Christmas, and have a Happy New Year, everyone. ^_^