The Strange Medium Guy with a Bad Haircut (aka Pearson Mui) with Jeffrey Hosmer Presents Anime Detective: The Case of the Valentine Visitation I woke up that morning to the sound of something ringing. The first thing that came to my sleep-deprived mind was that my alarm clock had gone off. I opened one bloodshot eye and glared at the damn thing. 3:00?! Why the hell would I set my alarm that early? Oh, right. I didn't. Okay, so it's not my alarm clock that's ringing. What else-- The ringing came again and I recognized it as the phone. I flailed around with one hand to grab it from beside my bed, knocking over an open bottle of Mylanta. Criminately, there goes the cleaning deposit. My badge followed suit. Finally, I picked up the receiver. "Hello?" I croaked in irritation. I'm not usually this grouchy, but when somebody calls me at three stinking o'clock in the morning, there'd better be a DAMN good reason. Otherwise, if it isn't, I'm gonna find where they live, hunt 'em down, and toss whoever it is to a bunch of rabid, drooling fanboys. In case you didn't know, I'm Andrew Mays, the Anime Detective. I've got the "easy" assignment of dealing with several million people and several hundred thousand Animates. I'm supposed to be a "buffer," so that things run smoothly between humans and Animates. So, why do I get the impression that *we're* the ones who're outnumbered? "Turn on your TV," a sultry voice purred into my ear, "and you will be visited for a consultation." This doesn't count as a good reason, I decided. Maybe for Ryo, but not for me. "Sorry, I gave at the office," I lied, just before I slammed the phone down. Damn crank calls. And my number is unlisted, too. Sighing, I laid back down to try and get some more sleep before duty called. The phone rang again. I snarled several words I had heard from a pimp in Ecchiville while I was busting him, years back when I walked a beat. I wasn't sure what some of them meant, but they sounded foul enough for my mood. I picked up the phone again. "Turn on your damn TV, Mays!" snapped a voice now considerably less sultry and a lot more annoyed. Why does that voice sound familiar? "Look, lady, I don't know who you think you are--" "It's Urd, alright? Now turn on your TV, already!" I rubbed my eyes. Why the hell was Urd calling me at this (pardon the expression) ungodly hour? "Can't it wait for a civilized hour? Maybe when I'm *supposed* to wake up?" "I already gave you three hours. Now, I want to get this overwith now." Rein it in, Mays. This *is* Urd, after all. I sighed again, but reached for the remote for my TV. It didn't pay to get Urd mad at you, even if you were a cop. She did, after all, report to a considerably higher authority. The debate on whether Animates had souls was still going on with the Vatican, though I think that the Animates had stacked the deck. The Pope sent dozens of bishops, theologians, and philosophers and even a high-ranking cardinal. The other side sent Belldandy. Need I say more? My TV flickered on and Urd stepped out. At least she hadn't flashed any scenes from "Sexy Dynamite" or whatever. We made quite a contrast, her in her full goddess regalia and me in a rather rumpled set of PJs. She looked at me, faintly amused. "Plaid?" she asked, smirking. "It was a gift from a friend. So, what's so important that it couldn't wait?" I stifled a yawn. "You, Andrew Mays, have been chosen by the Almighty to be worthy of a wish," she intoned. I stopped in the middle of rubbing the bridge of my nose. Did she just say what I thought she said? "Yes, I did," Urd replied to my unspoken question. "You have a problem with that?" Uh-oh. "Whoa, hang on, time out. I thought *I* was supposed to call you guys, not the other way around." "Normally you are, but I'm going to be really busy today, so I couldn't wait. So, could you make the wish already?" "`Busy today?'" I asked, trying not to sound clueless. She gave me her best "duh" look. "It's Valentine's Day, *Detective*," she sneered. Double uh-oh. "It can't be Valentine's Day!" I croaked. "It's only--" October, November, December, January, Feb--ah, crud. "--Valentine's Day," I groaned. If ever there was a day that was destined to cause chaos, it was good old February 14th. Every Animate romantic tangle in the city was going to explode today...and Urd, the self-proclaimed Goddess of Love, had just said she was going to be busy. I felt my stomach burble in anticipation. This was *not* a good time to be out of Mylanta. Something else tickled the back of my brain. There was something else about today. Well, what do you usually do on Valentine's Day? Go out with a significant other, get them flowers, candy... Uh-oh. Nene. Before you say anything, we are *not* dating. We're just friends. Really. Come to think of it, though...she *did* look pretty excited when she asked me out for Chinese and a movie tonight. Criminately. "So, what do you wish for?" Urd snapped, tapping a foot. My sleep-deprived mind was still reeling with Valentine's Day, so I had completely forgotten about the wish business. "Can I get back to you on that?" "What?! Look, Mays, I've got better things to do than follow you around waiting for you to make up your mind." "Then don't. I'll call you--" I told her, preparing to bury myself under the covers. She sighed and rubbed her forehead in exasperation. "I can't do that... according to The Rules I have to hang around you until you make a wish... and the longer it takes, the more likely you are to blurt "I wish so-and-so" and get stuck with it." A terrible thought hit me... but it might cut down on the workload. "So, basically, you have to stay by me until I make a wish?" "Yeah, what are you, stupid? Now, come on and make a wish already." I'm probably going to regret this. Hell, based on my life, there's no "probably" about it. I most likely *was* gonna regret this. It's worth a shot, though. If I survive. "I'll have to sleep on it," I said, lying back down. "Ask me when I wake up." Having one's bed spontaneously combust is not a good thing. I was still feeling a little crispy around the edges when I stumbled into work a few hours later. As you might expect, it took me a while to notice that the precinct house had acquired a new look: Red hearts and ribbons. Damn. I'd forgotten about the Chief's Valentine's Day party. "Hey, Andy!" It's Ryo Saeba, my partner, and he's calling me Andy again. Before I can whip out my mallet to threaten him with, he gives a distinctly unpleasant leer. I checked over my shoulder and yes, Urd has just entered the building. He straightened up and looked serious. "Urd-sama," Ryo began, almost formally. "I'd consider it my duty to help you back to Heaven." "Really?" Urd asked, almost intrigued. "How?" The lecherous grin reappeared. "Mokkori-chan and I are at your service. All we need is a sturdy bed, and--" Lighting flashed down from the skies, through about, oh, six floors, and left a charred body groaning weakly where Ryo had been. I don't think that the precinct's insurance covered acts of goddesses. "Thanks," I told Urd. "I wasn't doing it for you," she said. "Now, are you ready to make a wish yet?" "Not yet," I said. This was either one of my better ideas, or one of my worst. As long as I kept Urd hanging around me, she couldn't go and stir up trouble... at least not without me seeing her do it. I hope. I passed Stan's office and heard him arguing on the phone. "Look, I'm working on who junked Alpha 9, but you've gotta understand...that robot was so annoying that we've got a *lot* of suspects!" Hoo, boy. I thought MY job was tough. Opening the door to my office, I got a quick smile from Nene. She was, as usual, hacking away at something on the computer. Her smile didn't last when she saw Urd following me through the door. "Hey, kid." "Detective," she said frostily. You know, I think I almost saw the icicles when she said that. I hope she's not developing Otonashi's Syndrome. I'd hate to think that Nene could turn into a spiteful little...well, you get the idea. Urd, meanwhile, was looking at us with interest. "O-ho, so that's how it is..." she murmured. "Urd," I began, trying to sound as authoritative, but unworthy of a lightning bolt as I could. "Not right now, okay?" Big mistake. That only piqued her up even more. "Ooh, aren't *we* all touchy?" "Well, what if I *requested* that you eternally work with the whiniest, most annoying girls in Kawaiiville...for the rest of your life?" Urd frowned. "You wouldn't." "Are you *sure*?" I was too tired to give her an Evil Grin (tm), but at least I put up a good poker face. She looked away first, snorting in disgust. "Kami-sama, why *him*?" she muttered. "Waitaminute, what's going on here?" Nene asked, confused but no longer acting like an Ice Princess. "Well, kid...personally, I think that the burger I had last night was made from a sacred cow or something, because, well..." I paused, trying how to phrase it best. "Well?" Might as well go for the direct approach. "Urd has to grant me a wish." "Yeah, now go ahead and make one!" the testy goddess snapped. "Right after I get some of my paperwork done. What's first on the agenda, kid?" Nene, still looking suspicious, pointed to a stack of paper that could've passed for Mount Everest. Hell, it made Mount Everest look like an anthill. This was a stack you could practically go bungee-jumping off of. Sighing, I marched to my desk and sat down. Opening up one of my desk drawers, I brought out the reserve bottle of Mylanta I always kept there and took a generous slug of the stuff. Wiping my mouth with a napkin from a Chinese restaurant, I prepared to pummel the Paperwork from Perdition. An hour or two later, the paperwork was starting to get under control and things had settled down a bit. Urd amused herself with reading the letter columns of Ryo's magazines and zapping him. After putting three holes in my roof and scattering papers every which way, I asked her to cut down a bit. After all, the sooner I got done with my work, the sooner I could make my wish, right? Taking that into account, we settled into a routine pretty quickly. Of course, just when things were starting to look up, someone knocked on the door. "Excuse me," a timid voice asked. I craned my neck a little to see the source: A youngish (I'd say late teens, maybe) Animate girl. She was kinda cute, with green eyes and short blonde hair, and was wearing some sort of uniform with an ADPolice unit patch I didn't recognize. "Can I help you?" I asked. "Yeah, I'm looking for--" She stopped as she finally got a good look at the kid. "There you are!" she squealed. She ran over and shook Nene's hand with both of her own. "Oh, I'm your biggest fan, Miss Romanova!" Why are the initials SWF flashing through my head? It's weird because I never saw that movie. This wasn't the first time we had a BGC fanboy (or fangirl, in this case) sneak in to see Nene. Usually they were older, and none of them had the nerve to impersonate a cop. That's something of a crime, you know. Nene was blushing furiously and Ryo was starting to stir from where Urd had left him. I estimated I had about thirty seconds before he'd glomp onto her, so I eased my way between them. "Look, miss..." I began. "We're working here. And did you know that impersonating an AD Police officer is a crime?" "Impersonating?" She sounded shocked as she turned to face me. She tried to act indignant, but somehow she just managed a cute sort of pout. Oogh, I could feel my insides churning. "I AM an ADPolice officer!" She showed me a badge. It looked legit, but something wasn't kosher. "Miss, I'm sorry, but this has gotta be a fake badge." "No, it's not!" she insisted. "It says here that *you're* Nene Romanova!" "That's right! I'm for the new Bubblegum Crisis 2040 show." Silence crashed down on us for a moment. Nene--*my* Nene--turned as white as a sheet. Ryo was twitching, and Urd looked ready to split a gut. "You wanna run that by me again?" "I'm the Nene for the new Bubblegum show," she repeated. "Hey, this IS the 90s, you know. The producers wanted some fresh blood." She turned back to my--well, the original. "Miss Romanova, it's such an honor to meet you! I just know we'll be best friends!" SWF...SWF...SWF...argh! "What ARE you doing here, if you're... who you say you are?" I asked. "I'm here to study Miss Romanova! How can I play the role without knowing more about the original?" *gulp* Ah...much better. Ryo chose that moment to revive. "Ooh, hey, is it true what they say about blondes having more--" *KRAKA-THOOM!* Thank you, Urd. She even managed to curve it through the window. I can't say that I've ever seen horizontal lightning. The kid meanwhile was still pale as a sheet. After looking at the newcomer for a minute, she burst into tears and ran out the door. "Nene!" I called, starting after her. "Yes?" said the blonde. "Not you!" The blonde frowned. "Hmph. Be that way about it, will you?" I found the kid about where I expected her to be, in the precinct's computer room. She was sniffling quietly in the corner, but her red-rimmed eyes told I had missed the big outburst. Just as well. Women's tears make me feel mushy inside. I *hate* feeling mushy inside. "Hey, kid, want a hanky?" I asked, passing her a clean one from my trenchcoat. I had learned early on to keep a few handy. Otherwise, some distraught witness might use the nearest object for nasal relief...namely, my trenchcoat. She blew her nose noisily. Well, that one's a goner. "A-andy..." she sobbed, grabbing me in a bearhug. "There, there," I said awkwardly, even managing a half-hearted pat on her back as she cried. "It'll be alright." "R-really?" "Sure." I hope. "B-but what am I going to do?" "First thing, better call the others. If your replace--" "WAAAAHHHH!" Houston, we have Soun Tendo Waterfall Cry. That was *not* one of my more diplomatic moments. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" I said. "I meant to say that your friends are probably going to be visited by, well...other Knight Sabers, if you know what I mean. And I don't--" "Hey, Andy!" It was Ryo. "Aww...isn't that cute?" Nene let out a little "urk." For my part, I was more than a little annoyed. What the hell did he want? "You have until the count of five to scram before I play Whack-a-Mole on your 'mokkori,'" I said. "One...*four*..." He got serious in a hurry. Behind him, I could see Urd floating on a small pink cloud, practicing with a bow and arrow. "Look, we got a report that Priss is in some sort of rumble on 27th." Rumble? Who the hell uses the term "rumble" anymore? "Priss is in trouble," I deadpanned. "This is supposed to be a surprise?" "Yeah, she's shooting it out with some dyke on a bike." That rhyme *almost* deserved a mallet. Almost. Ryo waved me over, so I separated from Nene and followed him into a nearby hallway. He wrapped an arm around me in the typical "guy talk" position. "By the way," he began, that lecherous grin forming on his face. "You *do* know that where you two were standing is one of my favorite spots for mokkori, don't you?" "I *thought* that area was a little dusty." I commented. "*Very* funny. Anyway, you should've seen the girl I had here last time. She had really huge--" Mallet, meet Ryo. Ryo, meet--oh, he's passed out again. After picking Ryo up off the ground and dropping him off with Natsumi at the firing range, the kid and I took off. Urd tagged along in the backseat. I took the time to stock up on Mylanta. I was going to need it. Criminately, the place was such a wreck, my first guess was that the Evangelion units had decided to take kickboxing lessons. I'm pretty sure that other people would've agreed with me. The area in question was in Mechatown, near Teensborough. Some joker from New York came up with the name because it was usually where high-school Animates eventually gravitated to, kind of like flies to honey...or something else I can't mention. For some odd reason, the name stuck, and the city council even approved the change. It had a few hot bars and was popular with the hardsuit, hard rocking crowd. There was a Hot Legs there that Priss played out of. I was called in because some of the property damaged was owned by humans, not Animates. Priss was not happy. She was being restrained by six burly ADPolice officers (One on each leg, one on each arm, one had her by the waist and the last had her in a half-nelson... and they were losing ground). She was shouting things that would make a whole platoon of hardened, rowdy sailors cover their ears and scream for their mommies. Her opponent, who reminded me of a little of Motoko Kusanagi, the one from the movie, was responding in kind. The way the two of 'em were going at it, I doubt they could hear each other. She was dressed similarly to Priss, in red and black leathers, and had only five ADPolice officers holding her back. The sixth was lying unconscious on the street. I stepped between them. "Ladies, ladies," I said, using the term loosely, considering the language they were slinging. "What seems to be the problem?" Both of them whirled around, their glares as intense as those targeting lasers you see in action movies. For a sec, I felt like the proverbial deer caught in the headlights. "SHE STARTED IT!" they both screamed. Yup, I'm having a *real* good day. "That lying, f*****g, sack of s**t says she's ME!" said the original Priss. "A*****E!" shouted the other. "You no-talent types just can't stand being replaced!" "NO-TALENT!? I'll show you no-talent, you lezzy whore!" Ouch. That's gonna sting. "Come off it, you're not fooling anyone!" "ALRIGHT, ENOUGH!" I yelled, silencing them for a moment. "I'm running BOTH of you in for disturbing the peace, inciting a riot, property damage, and anything else I can think of!" "Come on, Detective!" The original Priss shouted, struggling against the AD Policemen holding her back. "Just give me five minutes, and she's history." "*Five* minutes?" the new Priss snorted. "I can take you down in three." Why does this remind me of a pro wrestling match? All we need is an announcer and we'd be set. While they bickered, I noticed Urd out of the corner of my eye. She was idly testing her bow and arrow, trying to decide which Priss to shoot. "Urd...don't." I said, tiredly. She frowned, then made the bow and arrow disappear. "It would've stopped their fighting." "Yeah," I admitted, "and they'd probably check into a motel in Ecchiville afterwards." "My, aren't *we* open-minded." she commented. They started shouting at each other again, but there were a few more squads of ADPolice on hand now. I'd ask what else could go wrong today, but I'm afraid somebody would tell me. "Andy!" It was the kid. "We've got reports of rioting at Furinkan High, Tomobiki High, and Juuban High. They said something about Valentine Candy..." *glug glug* That pretty much shot the morning to hell. There was one bright spot, though. As the kid and I were chasing down one hotspot after another, we spotted a familiar figure jogging down a street. "Linna!" the kid called out. Linna starting jogging in one place as we pulled alongside her. Behind her, an office lady came to a stumbling halt. Once upon a time, that suit might've looked sharp. Now, it was a rumpled, sweaty mess. "Hey, Nene!" Linna said. "Linna, it's horrible! They got some new actors for the show..." Nene cried. "Oh, you knew about it already?" Linna asked. She jerked a thumb over at the gasping office lady. "That's mine." "What did you do to her?" I asked. The lady in question seemed about to die of a heart attack. I didn't think that was possible. Linna flashed me one of her saucy grins. "She wanted to follow me through my daily routine to 'study' me, so I went on my 'daily' marathon jog." She winked, then turned to the office lady. "Hey, why are you resting? How are you supposed to play me if you can't keep up with simple exercise?" The office lady groaned. "If you're going to kill me, just shoot me now." "She must not teach aerobics." I ventured, while the kid tried to keep her giggles down. "She's pathetically out of shape," Linna agreed. "Have you called your agent yet, Nene-chan?" "No," the kid said, looking down again. "I called mine. It seems that those bastards never put anything in writing about using us again, and you know how binding 'verbal agreements' are." The kid's face fell even further. "Has anyone talked to Sylia?" I asked. "Not me." "Guess I better try to swing by the Silky Doll," I said, putting the car back in gear. "Don't be too hard on her," I said, pointing at the office lady. "Don't worry," Linna said, throwing me another wink. "After the run, all I have planned are some high-intensity aerobics." A loud groan came from the semi-comatose office lady as we drove off. Things didn't get much better when we stopped off at the station. Parked right in front were two AD Police interceptor cars. I wondered what was going on when Daley greeted us. "Lemme guess...new guys?" I asked. "New guys," Daley nodded. "They just stormed into our office as if they owned the place." He led us inside to the reception area. "Leon's kind of pissed," Daley admitted. "What'd he do, punch some holes in the wall?" I asked. "The wall, his desk...just about anything that wouldn't turn around and hit him. He's near your office now with his `replacement.' You have to see this." We followed him upstairs and he led us to the two Leons. Both of them had mirrorshades on, their arms crossed, scowling. I could feel the electricity in the air as they tried to stare each other down. "What're they doing?" Nene asked me. "I think they're trying to see who's `cooler.'" "But they're not *doing* anything!" Urd protested. "To Leon, coolness is an inborn kind of thing. Where's *your* `new-and-improved' version?" I asked Daley. "Oh, him. I think he's drowning his sorrows somewhere." he replied, smirking. "Okay, I give up. What did you do to the poor sap?" "Not much. I just gave him the once-over and told him, `sorry buddy...not even on a bet.' Guys with glasses are just *not* my thing." Just before lunch, we pulled up at the Silky Doll. It looked quiet enough. Then again, considering how this day's gone, it wouldn't last. "Aren't we going in, Andy?" the kid asked. "Yeah, I guess so..." "Ooh, now this looks interesting!" Urd piped in. It figures she'd find a lingerie shop interesting. Me, I have to fight the male instinct to stay far away from it. Well, it's an instinct only held by people who aren't perverts. When we stepped inside, a few things struck me as being odd. First of all, it was unusually quiet. Second, the shop was absolutely deserted. Finally, Mackie wasn't behind the counter trying to fiddle with the security cameras. "Andy?" Nene asked quietly. "Yeah, I don't like it either, kid." "Ooh, I wonder if they have this in satin?" I didn't know that goddesses got this airheaded about underwear. "I heard that, Mays!" Oy. "Oh, customers!" came a chirpy voice. "Welcome!" I turned and felt a chill run down my spine. Before us stood a very attractive Animate female with pastel blue hair and smile on her face. She reminded me of Ifurita from El Hazard, except for her eyes; they seemed a little crazy to me. Judging by the way Nene was fidgeting, she'd picked up on the same thing. "Let me guess," I said, "you're the new Sylia Stingray, right?" "That's right!" she said, beaming at me. "How'd you guess?" "Detective intuition," I said with my best straight face. "My name is Andrew Mays, Anime Detective. This is my assistant, Nene Romanova--" She frowned at that, her eyes glittering with anger as she stared at Nene. I thought Ryo's change from leering idiot to competent professional was fast. This lady, however, made Ryo's quick-change look absolutely sluggish. "Oh, so you're the OLD Nene," she said in a nasty voice. "I hope you're better behaved than the OLD Sylia and Mackie." She laughed and I almost looked around to see if Kodachi or Naga was nearby. I also checked the urge to slam her with my mallet, just out of principle. "What did you do to them?!" the kid demanded. The new Sylia adopted a childish pout. "They weren't very nice," she said. "I put them somewhere quiet to think about their actions." She giggled, a high-pitched, not-entirely stable laugh. Then she glared at us. "I don't think *you're* very nice either." Oh, boy. Every instinct was screaming at me to run like Mexican water like a first-time tourist. We bolted back out the door, and just in time as she pulled out a very BFG from Who Knows Where. Energy blasts began to take out the entire front of the store as we ducked around a corner. "What do we do, Andy?" "I'll take care of that bleach-job!" Urd said. She began to raise her hands and chant, "Spirits of--" "No!" I cried, grabbing her hand. "Look, Urd, this is police business. I appreciate the help, but it's not your job. Besides," I said desperately, "I have a plan." "You do?" Urd asked skeptically. "Yeah, I do," I said, as I walked over to my car while Nene kept an eye on the Silky Doll. "Believe me, you're gonna love it." Reaching through the window, I got the radio... and then ducked as another blast sheared off the roof of my car. For a second, I gaped at the damage. That little wacko bitch is going to pay. Big time. Ducking down, I turned on the radio. "Dispatch, this is Mays. Get me my partner." I growled, still pissed at my now faux-convertible car. Ryo arrived in record time. Then again, with a "hot babe" waiting for him, what did you expect? "Hey, Andy, where's the babe?" I let the Andy slide. "She's the one in there with the big gun," I said. He leered. "Hey, you know what they say about women with big guns." "Yeah. The bigger the gun, the nastier the hole it leaves." "Aren't we pessimistic," he commented. "You sure you don't want a piece of this?" "Believe me, she's all *yours*." "Mokkori!" With that, he dove into the fray. The rest of us waited a moment. I'll be the first to admit that Ryo was an oversexed jerk with hyperactive hormones. When he's motivated, though, he can be the most professional cop on the force. I was banking on the former to get us out of this. I figured that if this Sylia was anything like every other female on the planet, she'd be vulnerable while she was trying to pry Ryo off her. It got very quiet inside the shop. I was waiting for the Primal Screech of Terror that always followed one of Ryo's glomps. After a five-count, I decided I had better go in to help him, hentai or not. The scene we saw--well... I've been on the force for a while. I thought that I'd seen just about everything there was to see in the city. I thought that just about *nothing* could surprise me. Boy, was I wrong. The new Sylia had Ryo on the ropes. Not literally, mind you, but it was probably because it hadn't occurred to her. She was kissing him with a suction that a black hole would envy. Consequently, he was starting to turn blue. She was groping this and that, probably trying to find out if Ryo was into boxers or briefs. To her, I think it'd matter for, oh, about a tenth of a second the way they were going at it. We had a good look at what kind of underwear she wore, as Ryo had *somehow* managed to flip up her skirt. I guess it was a last act of defiance or something. "She's not normal," Nene said in a quavering voice. "How could she?" Urd said, shocked. "Ladies," I said, looking at my watch. "We better get back under cover, NOW!" "What?" "Why?" "RYO!!!!!!!" Kaori dashed right past us, slamming Ryo with a 100 ton mallet. *WHAM* She's about three seconds late. Oh, well. At least she took out the new Sylia, too. We found the old Sylia and Mackie soon after that. They were alright, if very embarrassed. It seemed that Mackie had ordered some accessories for those with different tastes. He mumbled something about leather and ropes just before the old Sylia smacked him across the head. We booked the new Sylia and threw her into a cell of her own, but she apparently made a nuisance of herself asking to borrow the guard's handcuffs. Eventually the BGC2040 folks sent over a lawyer who got her out, claiming she was fine as long as she took her "medication." Why am I not optimistic about the new BGC show? We eventually stopped for lunch, things having quiet down. Urd was still stewing over my waiting to make a wish. Nene seemed deep in thought. I could tell because she wasn't eating her usual banana split. Poor kid. We tried to keep down the chaos as much as we could, but for every place things settled down, at least five more incidents popped up. I was running through my Mylanta so fast, I almost spit out a piece of chalk. Then the kid reminded me about the Valentine's Day Ball. Nene, Urd, Ryo, and I got to the Furinkan High Gym just as the Ball was starting, but we encountered a small problem. "Why am I not surprised to see you manning the ticket booth?" I asked Nabiki. "It's a thankless job, but one with its advantages," she replied, patting the nearby cashbox. "What can I do for you, Detective?" "I need to get inside. I think there's going to be weird stuff floating around." "Why, Detective," she said in her most innocent tone, "what *ever* could give you that idea?" "Oh, I dunno...maybe the fact that your program says you're going to elect a Dance King and Queen," I said, pointing it out. "Well, I can't let you in without a ticket." I flashed my badge. "THIS is my ticket." "Sorry," she said, "Lum had this gym declared Oni territory for the night... something about marrying her 'Darling.' Do you have diplomatic privileges?" "What?" the kid said. I sighed. "How much is a ticket?" "Let me check with my partner. Oi, Nanami?" "Great..." I muttered as Nanami Jinnai popped up. Normally, I would've considered Nabiki's little stunt as obstruction of justice. The way I figured it though, arguing about it would just raise the price and waste time. One of these days, I hope that Nabiki has a huge financial disaster. I just hope I'm going to live long enough to see it. It's not so much her shady business deals that bug me. It's her smug attitude that *really* gets to me. "I could take care of that, *if* you say the magic words." Urd reminded me. "It's tempting...but I think I'll hold off." "Suit yourself," she shrugged, annoyed. "Remind me again why we're here?" Ryo asked, straightening his tie. "Other than to look at some short skirts and low-cuts, that is." I glared at him. "We're going to try to keep a lid on this place. We've got all the major Animate high schools crammed in here, each with their love triangles and teenage angst. Something's *bound* to happen." Most likely, it'll be messy. Then again, it usually is. "You picked a helluva time for an impossible mission," Ryo commented, then shrugged. "Why not? If nothing else, I can see how well Sylia's place has been doing." KRAKA-THOOM! "I'm afraid that'll be extra for cleaning up the burn mark on the carpet, Detective." Nabiki reminded me. As we entered the gym, I hoped that the chaos hadn't started yet. I *really* didn't need more stress. Hinako Ninomiya and Fujisawa from El-Hazard, the chaperones for the dance, greeted us. I gritted my teeth as we passed by, seeing as how she was still in her overcute child form. Everywhere I looked, I saw a potential disaster. Lum was floating around, trying to locate Ataru. Kodachi, Shampoo, and Ukyou were wearing fancy dresses, looking for Ranma. Makoto from Sailor Moon was falling for every cute boy at the refreshment stand. The dance music just grated on my nerves when I saw the final sign of impending doom: Happosai had just bounded into the gym. In a mad rush of glee, he started flipping skirts like there was no tomorrow. As you an imagine, things sorta went downhill from there. Looking back, I'm not sure exactly how I survived the mess. Maybe it was because I started swinging my mallet like crazy. Maybe it was because Hinako started draining large crowds of their energy. Maybe Fujisawa's martial arts helped. Then again, it could have been Urd scattering the students like confetti. All I know for sure is that we made it. Somehow. Criminately, this day's been hell. I sat back on one of the bleachers, looking at the empty gym. The cleanup crew hadn't arrived yet, so all the decorations were still up. The deejay was packing up his things, ready to head out. Y'know, for a moment, I felt like I was back in high school again. Me and my best friend, Jake, always seemed to migrate to the bleachers just before we had to leave. It used to drive our dates nuts. "Andy?" "Hey, kid. Have a seat." I gestured to the area next to me. She sat down, probably not sure of what to say. Can't say I blame her. The poor kid's been through a lot today. "Um, everything's pretty much cleaned up," she told me. "Yup. Score another one for the good guys," I said, sounding almost as tired as I felt. "It *was* a helluva day, wasn't it?" "Mm hm." she nodded. I leaned back a little. "You know, all things considered...I feel pretty good right now. I'm just sorry that we didn't have time to go out for Chinese and a movie like we planned." "That's okay. I mean, we *were* pretty busy and all." "Yeah, well." I looked at her straight in the eye. "You know, I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better." A door creaked open. We looked and saw Urd leaning idly in the doorway. "About time you said the magic words," she remarked, then eyed the surroundings. "It's not much, but I think I can work with it." The blue mark on her forehead glowed, and slow dance music started playing from the speakers. The disco ball spun, casting small spotlights on the floor. "Hold on, Urd. What's all this--?" "Am I, or am I not the Cupid of Love, Mays? Your wish has been granted. The rest is up to you." "We're not--" I protested. "Of course not," she said in a voice that was anything but convinced. "Still, it'd be a pity to let this go to waste. See you two later." She's right. I hate it when that happens. "So, um...do you want to dance?" I asked her. "Wh--what?" Nene started blushing. "Do you want to dance?" I repeated. "Seems like the right thing to do." She thought about it for a second, then smiled. "I'd like that." I stood up and held out my hand, helping her up. A soft piano solo echoed through the gym as we came together. I couldn't quite place the music, but it was *very* familiar. "Isn't that `Fly me to the Moon?'" Nene asked. "Sounds like it." I agreed, starting off. I was a little rusty, but the kid's a good partner. "This is kind of...nice." she said. "Yeah. Yeah, it is." "You're pretty good, you know." she told me. "Thanks. I'm a little out of practice." I admitted. "You could have fooled me." She leaned her head on my chest. "We're not a couple, you know." I reminded her. "Of course not." she agreed. "I'm sorry about the mess, Nene." "It's okay. Could we...stay like this a little while longer?" "Sure, Nene." The thing is, I kinda liked the way things were going now. THE END ---------------------------WARNING! AUTHOR BABBLE!---------------------------- Doc: Well, this was an unusual fic. This originally wasn't my idea. You see, on January 26, Jeff (someone I've worked with for quite a while on and off) sent this to me at work. Apparently, he couldn't quite get Andrew's unique POV right, so...he wanted me to rewrite it. The next Anime Detective story was *supposed* to have taken place at an anime convention. It should've been written in time for either Katsucon 5 or Anime Central '99. Ah, the perils of real life, I suppose. I've just finished my Master's thesis in Psychology, and all I have to do is walk the stage. Any comments, questions, etc. can be sent to me at either pmui@jurai.net or pmui1@uinet.campuscw.net. Hope you enjoyed the story! And now, I leave it to Jeff... Jeff: Hi... you probably are wondering what I'm doing, writing an Anime Detective story. Well, Doc and I talk a lot about our fanfics and we often hash out story ideas. One day, as I realized Valentine's Day was approaching, I thought of how Anime Detective has so many holiday episodes... and then the idea of giving Andy a wish came... But I found I couldn't write Anime Detective. Oh, I could plot it and write everyon else, but I couldn't writ Andrew's style. So, I spoke with Doc and we worked out a deal where I wrote most of the story and he 'translated' it. The final scene at the end is almost all his, though I suggested that be what Andrew used his wish for. I hinted I might turn it into a lemon and boy did he mallet me for that! :) The BGC 2040 crowd... since writing this, I have had the opportunity to see the first two episodes of BGC2040 and I think I may not have made the new Sylia crazy enough. :) The idea of having the old Knight Sabers meet the new in Anime Detective started with the scene when Nene starts her job and Andrew asks her what happens when the new series came out. We had no idea at the time of the new character designs, but once I saw them, I knew that there was a lot of comic potential for the Anime Detective crowd... Well, that's all. I have written one or two other scenes for AD, but I don't know if Doc will ever use them, since it deals with Sailor Mars having a crush on our good detective... and what happens to characters when their series are cancelled. ;) Jeff Hosmer 17 Feb 99