EYRIE PRODUCTIONS, UNLIMITED proudly presents: NEON EXODUS EVANGELION BONUS THEATER!! [COMMERCIAL] [SCREEN GRAPHIC: ESPN/NERV Ride-Along Program logo] VO: The ESPN/NERV Ride-Along Program puts YOU in the action! [EVA ENTRY PLUG INTERIOR. ASUKA LANGLEY is at the controls. Behind her, crammed into the jump seat, are ZORAK and BRAK. It is obvious from the sounds and camera jostles that the unit is in combat.] [ZORAK peers intently at an off-camera display.] ZORAK: Say... I think I know this guy. AL: Really? Z: Yeah. ... Hit him harder. [The camera shakes violently. Alarms sound; the entry plug lights turn red and the power-reserve countdown appears.] BRAK: Uh-oh! Z: That looked like it hurt. AL: Argh! Dammit, what the hell language are you thinking in? B: I dunno! Hey, is this the part where you do that Blazin' Sword thing? I like that! AL: That's VOLTRON, you idiot!! B: Oh, well, I didn't - AL: Shut up, you're distracting me! B: Sorry! I was just tryin' to help... [EXTERIOR DAY. EVA-02 slams into a building, then tumbles out of the shot, leaving behind an imprint of the ESPN/NERV Ride-Along Program logo on the building's facade.] [END COMMERCIAL] [TRAILER] [GRAPHIC: The following PREVIEW has been approved for ALL AUDIENCES. The fanfic advertised is rated VS (VERY SILLY).] /* Information Society "Seek 300" _Don't Be Afraid_ */ [INTERIOR, NERV HANGAR. EVA-01 is locked into its gantry cage, its armor complete and polished to a high shine. The unit looks lean, mean and ready for damage.] VOICEOVER: It is the most powerful weapon ever conceived by Man. [EXTERIOR DAY. EVA-01 on combat maneuvers. With REI AYANAMI at the controls, it easily wipes out a battalion of remote-operated tanks and aircraft, then returns to the staging area.] [INTERIOR, PROVING GROUNDS CONTROL ROOM. GENDOU IKARI, KOZO FUYUTSUKI and RITSUKO AKAGI stand on the upper level, while MAYA IBUKI, MAKOTO HYUUGA and SHIGERU AOBA monitor the tests from the console pit.] RA: Test results are well within specified limits. Looks like it's ready to go. GI: Excellent. (Turns to FUYUTSUKI.) Prepare the unit for transport to Tokyo-3. I'll leave it to you. KF: Sir! VO: And the agency entrusted with its safety and operation... [EXTERIOR DAY. A giant transport truck is jackknifed and burning by the roadside near a mountain overlooking the city of Tokyo-3. Down in the valley, among crushed trees, is the partly-tarpaulin-shrouded form of EVA-01, face-down.] VO: ... lost it. [INTERIOR, IKARI'S OFFICE. IKARI is behind his desk, FUYUTSUKI facing it at attention.] GI (icy): ... I see. (Presses an intercom key on his desk.) Dispatch Unit 02 for retrieval. [EXTERIOR DAY. While nature-walking in the valley, SHINJI IKARI has just come across EVA-01.] SI: Wow! It's so big! I wonder what it is? Some kind of military project, I suppose... [INTERIOR, ENTRY PLUG. SHINJI sits down in the entry plug and finds the interface headset on the instrument console.] SI: What's this? Some kind of a headband? [EVA-01 retracts its entry plug, powers up, and stands.] SI: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! VO: Now, Mankind's last hope for survival is in the hands of one young man. There's only one catch: SI: Hey! Whoa! Stop! Let me out! What the hell?! [EXTERIOR DAY. EVA-01, thrashing spasmodically, falls the rest of the way down the mountain and ends up in a suburb, accompanied by SHINJI's incoherent protestations all the way down.] VO: He doesn't know how to control it. EYRIE PRODUCTIONS, UNLIMITED presents: A John Trussell Production A Benjamin D. Hutchins Film SHINJI IKARI EVA-01 ASUKA LANGLEY REI AYANAMI and special guest PEN-PEN in GIANT MONSTER PANIC! -= EVA-01 =- [EXTERIOR NIGHT. EVA-01 is tramping through downtown Tokyo-3, its movements mostly under control.] [INTERIOR, EVA-01 ENTRY PLUG. SHINJI is furiously punching buttons, trying to call up some kind of an online help facility or anything else he might be able to use to figure out what's happened to him and how to get out of it.] SI: This stinks! If I can't get out of this stupid thing and meet Misato by 6, I'll never see her again! [INTERIOR, EVA-02 ENTRY PLUG. ASUKA LANGLEY grins maniacally and switches on her communications system.] AL: So, you thought you could sidetrack the Project by stealing the Test Type Unit, huh? Prepare to die, terrorist scum! SI: What?! Me?! No, you've got it all wrong, I - [EXTERIOR NIGHT. EVA-02 attacks EVA-01.] [MONTAGE. Snippets of combat with fast-paced editing to keep things fresh. Lots of collateral damage. At one point KENSUKE AIDA and TOUJI SUZUHARA can be seen running in terror as a McDonald's burns. Well, TOUJI is running in terror. KENSUKE is backpedaling at 20 mph while avidly filming the devastation.] KA: SUGOI!!! [MONTAGE CONT'D. EVA-00 joins the battle.] SI: What the hell?! AL: Butt out of this, Ayanami! I can handle this scumbag! RA: There's no time. SI: I didn't mean to cause any trouble! Just get me out of this!! AL: Oh, we'll get you out. In a BAG!! SI: YIIIIIII! [MONTAGE CONT'D. More chaos.] [INTERIOR, TOKYO-3 TOWER OBSERVATION DECK. MISATO KATSURAGI looks at her watch; it's ten to six. She sighs.] MK: I guess he's not coming after all. [MONTAGE CONT'D. EVA-01 is climbing the Tower. EVA-02 is climbing an adjacent building. People are running in panic. MISATO wonders what all the excitement is about.] [INTERIOR, GENDOU IKARI'S OFFICE. GENDOU puts down the phone and buries his head in his hands as FUYUTSUKI looks on.] GI: ... Why, Shinji, why did you do it? I know I haven't been a very good father to you, but I never dreamed you would turn against your own kind... KF: We have to do something, sir. [GENDOU slowly straightens, adjusts his glasses and resumes his cool.] GI: Tell Langley she has full operational latitude. KF (shocked): ... Sir?! GI: Full sanction! Tell her! KF: ... Sir. [EXTERIOR NIGHT. EVA-02 pins EVA-01, Progressive Knife to the purple unit's throat.] AL (still grinning maniacally): Now you're MINE, Ikari. [BLACKOUT SCREEN.] SI: HELP! I just want to get to my date!! GIANT MONSTER PANIC! -= EVA-01 =- coming soon from Eyrie Productions [END TRAILER] /* J.P. Sousa "The Liberty Bell" */ NEON EXODUS EVANGELION BONUS THEATER!! was conceived, written and performed by Ben Hutchins John Trussell Rei Ayanami Asuka Soryu-Langley DJ Croft Jon Ellison Gendou Ikari Ritsuko Akagi Maya Ibuki Misato Katsuragi and featured Zorak Brak Shinji Ikari Kozo Fuyutsuki Makoto Hyuuga Shigeru Aoba Touji Suzuhara Kensuke Aida and the voiceover talents of Peter Cullen [The editors would like to remind the audience that this is a joke.] (c) 1998 E P U (Colour)