The 3-AM Phenomenon

One of the most incredible and wonderful things about Derek was his ability, without effort or apparent awareness that he was doing it, to improve the mood in a room. It was impossible to stay in a funk for long with Derek around, even if he wasn't doing or saying anything apparent. Around Derek, everything's humorous side was visible, as if bathed in a kind of unearthly light that radiated from him and revealed the funny parts.

After pondering this for some time, we eventually determined that that is exactly what was happening. We equated the phenomenon to the way everything seems funny at 3 AM, and from there, building on the GweepCo Theory of Hyperintelligence, we arrived at the 3-AM Phenomenon Corollary.

The Hyperintelligence Theory is a topic worthy of a dissertation all its own, so I'll just hit the high points here. Basically, the idea is that the universe is full of a vast multitude of subtle, clever, and incredibly funny things. There are twenty or thirty, maybe more, in front of you right this very moment. Alas, your puny human intellect is incapable of grasping their subtle hilarity, and so you stare uncomprehending at them, not even recognizing them as notable, let alone funny.

But! Assuming you got up at, say, 9ish or so in the morning, here's what you can do: Stay up until 3 AM or so the following morning. As you become more and more tired, the Hyperintelligence Theory maintains, the chemical balance of your brain changes and you become smarter! Yes! With each passing minute, what you take for fatigue is actually supercharging your every brain cell with vast, unearthly intelligence!

Unfortunately, this hyperintelligent state renders you so susceptible to the humor potential of the universe around you that you find everything cripplingly entertaining, preventing you from accomplishing anything notable other than laughing a lot.

GweepCo experimentation determined that Derek Bacon actually produced an energy field which would fill any room he entered. This field altered the chemical balance of any human brain within its area of influence, vastly increasing the intelligence of the brain's owner! This produced an effective simulation of having stayed up until 3AM in any affected person; the resulting "hilarity bleed" could do nothing but improve the affected person's mood.

Sadly, study of this incredible phenomenon was only just beginning when Derek was taken from us. We may never know the cause or full effects of the 3-AM Phenomenon.

Benjamin D. Hutchins