Our Story So Far:
The Star Wars Empire has decided to expand their power base by attacking a 
little known Galaxy, far far away, believing that this will be easy due to
some disinformation they received from a Godzilla movie. Meanwhile, Dr. Hans
Zarkov, Flash Gordon, and Dale Arden have managed to escape from Ming's 
alternate dimension while being pursued by two of Ming's fighter ships. On
their way out, both Zarkov's rocket and Ming's Fighters throw the TARDIS,
containg Dr Who, Romana, Leela, Adric and K-9 into a terrible spin into a
grey hole which they only barely manage to escape due to the fortuitous
happenstance of lunch time. Captain Kirk and crew have emerged from the
fronteir at the center of the galaxy to discover that God has tampered with
history so that the Federation has never existed. They plan to time warp
into the 20th century to prevent whatever altering has occurred. Finally, a
mysterious man has brought together eight of the greatest criminal minds on 
Earth (Krang, Prof Moriarity, Lord Whorfin, Doctor Doom, the Kingpin, Lex
Luthor, Agent Zigfried, and Cobra Commander) into a World Crime League.
Finally, Picard and Data are practicing acting lessons in the holodeck
when suddenly the universe changes around them, accompanied by a tremendous
shaking of the Enterprise-D.

                            __ __ _____ _____ ______
                           / // // ___// ___// __  /
                          / // // /__ / /_  / /_/ /
                         / // //__  // __/ / ____/
                        / // /___/ // /   / /
                       /____//____//_/   /_/

                  The Universal Science Fiction Parody
                     (An Epic of Novel Proportions)

[Scene 11. Exterior Shot. Outer Space. A bedraggled fleet of spacships that has
all the appearance of having been thrown together at the last minute, slowly
creeps along. Stenciled to the sides of the ships are words with very greek
sounding origins, e.g. Pegasus, Andromeda, etc. One is obviously a warship of
some kind, named Galactica, but the others appear to be nothing more than 
freighters or personnel carriers. Suddenly, as the camera moves around, a 
squadron of Cylon fighters appears. Immeadiately, the Galactica disperses a
large amount of Viper fighters. A tremendous dog fight occurs, which looks 
spectacular until you realise that there's nothing really great about doing 
a loop-the-loop, or flying upside down when for all intents and purposes there
is no down BECAUSE THERE IS NO GRAVITY IN SPACE! [Author's note to director:
Various snippets of dialogue should be inserted here, the kind of things that
one would say in a dog fight in space 'Starbuck, one's on your tail!','take
that Cylon.', and 'My rear ion thruster is malfunctioning, I'm pulling out!'
are good examples.] Finally, there is only one Cylon ship left, and just as
a Viper is moving in for the kill, a large, white ship appears with the sound
of a hundred million people all saying 'Whop' at the same time. It appears in
the same space that the Cylon ship was in.]

[Quick scene change. Interior Shot. Inside the Cylon-Alien ship. Several white
robots emerge from the white ship into the interior of the Cylon fighter. 
Wielding weapons that look like nothing more than cricket bats they knock out
both cylons and take one of them aboard their ship. The second cylon wakes up 
just as the ship is disappearing.]

[Quick scene change, back to the original scene. The large, white ship
disappears with the sound of a hundred million people all saying 'foom' at the
same time. The Cylon ship, now missing one pilot, veers out of control, enters
a spin, and spirals into a crash landing onto a nearby, conveniently-placed

[Scene 12. Exterior Shot. The Kentucky backwoods. A dilapidated, old, wooden
shack sits in the woods near a river. There is a wide porch on the front of the
shack with two, rickety wooden chairs on it. Two country bumpkins (the obvious
result of generations of in-breeding) sit in the chairs with banjos, playing a
version of 'Dueling Banjos.' They continue to play. Suddenly, the sky flashes
purple and a red dot streaks across the sky. The younger 'boy from Deliverance'
smiles a toothless grin and keeps picking.]

[The scene changes to another spot in the Kentucky woods. A few of the trees 
around are on fire. The wreckage of what looks like a homemade rocketship is
evident. A long piece of rope extends from the top of the ship, onto the 
ground and off into the woods. It is slightly charred. A piece of the wreckage
begins to move, and out steps Flash Gordon]

FLASH:         Dale! Zarkov! Where are you?

WRECKAGE:      Ungh!

[Flash rushes to the pile and pulls out Dr. Zarkov, while he is helping the
old scientist to his feet, Dale stands up from under another pile of wreckage.
She brushes herself off and sees Flash.]

DALE:          Flash!

FLASH:         [Turning to see Dale, he drops Dr. Zarkov and rushes toward
               her.] Dale!

[While they are embraced, Dr. Zarkov stands up and begins to look around. He
samples the dirt, tasting it with his tongue, and then looks up. When he does
a realisation comes to him, and he begins to get very excited.]

ZARKOV:        Flash! Dale! Look at the sky!

FLASH:         [Refusing to let go his lip lock on Dale, mumbling] What about

ZARKOV:        It's blue!  We're home!  This is Earth!

FLASH:         (obviously very excited) (Actor's Discretion about what to say
               here, just be very excited, whatever you say)

[Flash, Dale, and Dr. Zarkov dance around the woods whooping and yelling.]

[Scene 13. Interior Shot. Command 'War' Room of the Battlestar Galactica.
Commander Adama as well as other various command personnel are clustered
around. From a side door, Starbuck bounds into the room.]

STARBUCK:      What was that?

ADAMA:         We were just wondering that very thing ourselves.

[A rush of wind interrupts them, various people and equipment are blown out
of the center of the room. Then a ship which looks like nothing more than an
upside down Italian Bistro, appears in the space that has been cleared. From
out of this ship comes an old man wearing flowing robes and a long beard.]

OLD MAN:       Have they been here yet?

ADAMA:         Who...

OLD MAN:       The Krikkitean war battalion of course.

ADAMA:         No, I mean who are you?

OLD MAN:       Slartibartfast, now answer the question.

ADAMA:         Slarti-,oh never mind. What are the Krikki

SLARTIBARTFAST: The Krikkitean war battalion. Big, white ship. White robots
               carrying cricket bats.

ADAMA:         Oh yes, you know them?

SLARTIBARTFAST: Let's just say I know of them. They've gone already then, well,
               I guess it's off to Earth then.

ADAMA:         Earth!  Did you say you were going to Earth?

SLARTIBARTFAST: Yes, yes, I'll be off now.

ADAMA:         Take us with you, we're headed for Earth too.

SLARTIBARTFAST: Well, ok, but you won't all fit in my ship. Take me to you're
               engine room and I'll see what I can do with this bucket of

ADAMA:         Starbuck.

STARBUCK:      Right, come on old man.

[Scene 14. Interior Shot. Bridge of the Starship Enterprise (1701-A). Kirk,
Spock, Uhura, Sulu, Chekov, Rand, and McCoy are at their regular stations.]

UHURA:         Commander Scott reports engineering is ready for time warp.

[Kirk checks his watch, which the camera notices is a Mickey Mouse watch.]

KIRK:          A half hour to the second. Mr. Sulu, are you ready?

SULU:          Yes captain.

KIRK:          Engage.

[The engines get louder and louder as the ship warps toward the sun. The 
people on the bridge begin to shake in their chairs.]

KIRK:          Spock, engage turbolift door locks, we don't want Uhura falling
               through like she did last week.

SPOCK:         [Moving a dial on his console.] Engaged Captain.

SULU:          Approaching Warp 6...Warp 7...Warp 8...

CHEKOV:        External sensors register net temperature increase of 1000

SULU:          Warp 9...Warp 10...Warp 11...

KIRK:          Apply braking thrusters.

SULU:          Thrusters...engaged.

[Not that the warning was necessary. As Sulu's last syllable fades out, the
ship lurches forward. McCoy is thrown head first over the railing, Kirk is 
forced out of his chair. Rand and Spock are thrown back into theirs. Oddl
enough, Uhura is in fact thrown against the turbolift doors. Sulu and Cheko
are saved from serious harm by airbags which pop out of the consoles in front
of them. On the viewscreen weird effects of light are happening and different
shapes appear. Suddenly, Rod Serling appears on the screen.]

ROD:           You are about to enter a new dimension. A dimension beyond 
               sight and sound. Beyond science and reason. It is the border
               ground between that which is real, and that which is stupid.
               The yin for reality's yang.  You are about to come face to
               face with the silliest part of yourselves.  You have entered,
               The Parody Zone.

[During the preceding lines, the traditional run-in of the Twilight Zone is
shown on the screen. At the conclusion the screen goes staticy. As the 
static fades out, the bridge is seen. It is darkened.  Sulu, Chekov, Spock,
and Rand are slumped over in their chairs.  Uhura is lying in a heap against
the turbolift doors.  Kirk and McCoy are lying on the floor.  Despite the fact
that Spock is physically and genetically stronger than Kirk, Kirk is the first
to wake up.]

KIRK:          (Returning to the conn)  Status...Mr. Sulu

SULU:          (Waking up) Braking thrusters have fired.

[Slowly, the rest of the bridge crew wakes up.  Kirk looks down his nose at 
McCoy who is still laying on the floor.]

KIRK:          Physician, heal thyself.

McCOY:         [Leans up on one elbow.] What about my acting performance?

KIRK:          I'm not a drama critic.  Spock what is our position?

SPOCK:         [Looking into scanner] Precisely 1.259683 miles above White
               Sands, New Mexico.  The local date is Jan 14, 1965.

KIRK:          How can you be so sure?  Did you estimate from the smog
               coverage of the globe?

SPOCK:         No, I had Lieutenant Kyle beam up this newspaper.

KIRK:          Ah, simple logic.  Uhura, damage report.

UHURA:         All stations report minimal damage, sickbay reports minor bumps
               and bruises and request that Doctor McCoy keep his nosy behind
               out of there. Commander Scott requests to speak with you.

KIRK:          On channel, Go ahead Scotty.

SCOTTY:        We have a wee bit of a problem, Captain.

KIRK:          What is that, Mr. Scott.

SCOTTY:        Ummmm...hold on a minute...(muffled) where's the damn excuse
               manual?...Well, I dinna expect 'im to ask either...ah here i
               is. (Sound of ruffling pages) Ummmm....the positronic flow 
               valves have jammed, we kinna fix 'em here, and without them,
               we kinna reach warp speed.

KIRK:          Damn.

SPOCK:         This shouldn't really present a problem.  Assuming we can still
               approach light speed.

KIRK:          Scotty?

SCOTTY:        Aye, sub-light isna a problem.  We can reach Warp .99 with no
               tribble at all.

KIRK:          (wincing) Don't say that word!  If I never see another of those
               furballs again, it'll be too soon.

SPOCK:         In any case, we can effectively travel forward in time.  By
               appraoching the speed of light, the laws of relativity will 
               allow us to rocket forward 400 years in just days.  

KIRK:          Well, with that solved.  Mr. Sulu, standard orbit if you please.

[Scene 15. Exterior Shot. New York City, outside the UN building. A whirring
sound is heard and about 8 seconds later, a blue, London Police box appears
in the foreground. The door to the box opens and the Doctor, Romana, Leela,
and Adric walk out.  The Doctor is wearing his customary jacket and long 
scarf. Romana is dressed in a contemporary outfit for the location. Leela,
as usual, is wearing almost nothing, and Adric is wearing the Mideival Serf
type thing that he always does. As they walk towards the building, K-9 rolls
out of the TARDIS]

DOCTOR:        K-9.

K-9:           Yes, Doctor.

DOCTOR:        Stay with the TARDIS, we don't want to attract any attention.

K-9:           (after an almost impreceptible electronic sigh) Yes, Doctor.

[The Doctor and his three companions bound up the steps to the UN, followed
by about fifteen teenage boys, panting and drooling after Leela. She turns 
around, sees them, throws a knife at the feet of the boy in front, and they
scatter. She picks up her knife and follows the doctor into the UN.]

[Scene Change. Interior shot. The Main Lobby of the UN. To the right is a desk
with a sign reading 'Information.' Behind the desk is a young woman in a blue
blazer with the UN logo on the front pocket. The Doctor walks up with his
companions in tow.  The woman looks at them incredulously.]

DOCTOR:        Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart's office, please.

UN GIRL:       What?

ROMANA:        We're looking for the office of the head of the UN Task 
               Force on Extraterrestrials, a Brigadier General Lethbridge-

DOCTOR:        I believe I said that.

UN GIRL:       Look, sir, ma'am, the UN is a busy place. We can't have
               any wacko who walks off the street disturb the diplomats.

LEELA:         [Has been sneaking around the desk behind the girl. She 
               grabs the UN girl by the hair, and holds a knife to her 
               throat.] Shall I kill her now, Doctor?

DOCTOR:        Leela, put the knife away. [Relunctantly, she does.]

UN GIRL:       That's it, I'm calling security.

DOCTOR:        (getting indignant) Is that absolutely necessarry?

[Two UN Security guards appear who, oddly enough, are wearing red shirts. 
(Author's Note: Experienced parody readers will immediately recognize the
preceding sentence as foreshadowing, thus qualifying this piece of work as
quality literature.  Remember, foreshadowing, your key to fine literature.)
They (the security guards) quickly gather up the Doctor and his companions
and bustle them out the door to a chorus of "hey"'s, "watch it buddy"'s, and
a couple of "Would you care for a jellybaby"'s.]

[Scene Change. Exterior Shot. Outside the UN Building, again. We see, the
Doctor, Leela, Adric, and Romana (in that order) go flying through the 
air.  They land in a crumpled heap by the TARDIS.  The red-shirted guards
say "Resistance is Useless" which makes them feel very pleased with themselves,
they turn to walk into the building when all of a sudden, from out of nowhere,
a bolt of lightning streaks down and kills the both of them.  The four 
Companions disentangle themselves.]

DOCTOR:        (brushing himself off) Well, then, Plan B.

ADRIC:         What's Plan B?

ROMANA:        (spotting a telephone) Give me a quarter. [She holds out
               her hand.]

DOCTOR:        We give Romana a quarter...[He hands one to her and she walks
               toward the phone.]

ADRIC:         And then what?

DOCTOR:        Well, we wait.

ADRIC:         (obviously confused) Oh.

[Scene 16. Interior Shot. The studio where Late Night with David Letterman is
recorded.  It is the middle of the show, just as Super Dave Osbourne has left.
(You just missed him, doesn't that make you happy?)]

DAVE:          Hee, hee, hee, that Super Dave is great isn't he Paul?

PAUL:          Yeah, Dave.

DAVE:          Well, kids, next on our show...

[The ringing of the phone interrupts him.]

DAVE:          Paul, who could that be?

PAUL:          I don't know. Is it you, Anton?

[Anton shakes his head and holds up his phone which is firmly on the receiver
as proof.]

DAVE:          Morty, did you schedule this call?

CROWD:         Weasel, Weasel, weasel, weasel....

[Morty shakes his head no.]

DAVE:          Listen to that crowd.  Well, I guess I'll answer the phone,
               hee, hee.  A little answering the phone music, Paul?

PAUL:          [Moves to the Piano and plays some high notes] Dave's 
               answeeeerrrrriiiinnnggg the phoooonnne.

[Dave picks up the phone and sets it on his desk and picks up the receiver.]

DAVE:          Hello?

ROMANA:        (In voice over, her voice electronically effected by the
               cheap phone Dave has) Hello, David. It's Romanadveratrelundar.
               I need your help.

DAVE:          Romana, babe, how can I help you.

ROMANA:        I need to see Brigadier Stewart in the UN.

DAVE:          No problem, I'll be right there. [He hangs up.] Who wants to
               storm the UN?  Paul?

PAUL:          Sure, Dave.

DAVE:          Morty? [He shakes his head no.]

CROWD:         Weasel, weasel, weasel....

DAVE:          Hee, hee, Biff? Al Maar? C'mon.  Hey, bring Dwight, the
               troubled teen along too.

[He gets up from his desk and heads out the door. Paul, Biff Henderson, Al
Maar, and a couple of stage hands and pages follow him.]

DAVE:          Paul, bring your keyboard.

[Paul runs back, gets a portable keyboard and the four or five of them run out
of the studio and into a conveniently waiting limousine.  The limo travels the
streets of New York until it pulls up in front of the UN.]

DOCTOR:        Romana, who is this?

DAVE:          Dave, Dave Letterman.  [He grabs the Doctor's hand and pumps
               his arm.]  Now, shall we go.

[He heads up the stairs with his friends and the Companions.  They all pause
at the front door.]

DAVE:          Paul, a little 'storming the UN' music, please.

[Paul begins to play a funky version of the Mission: Impossible theme, they
go into the building.]

[Scene Change. Interior Shot. UN Lobby (again) Dave walks up to the information

DAVE:          Hi, Dave Letterman. I'll just show myself around.

[He takes off down a corridor. The whole crew searches the floors until they 
come to the Brigadier's office.]

ROMANA:        (stopping) Here it is David.

DAVE:          OK, Romana, babe, glad to help. I gotta get back to my show.

ROMANA:        Thank you David.

[Dave and his entourage leave the scene and the Mission Impossible theme
fades out with them.  Romana knocks on the door.]

[Scene 17. Exterior Shot. The Moulin Rouge in Paris. As we watch, three of 
the blue fighter planes that Cobra uses strafe the building, destroying it.
Fires rand and rescue vehicles rush up, screeching to a halt in front of the

[Scene Change. Interior Shot. The inside of a large bank.  All is normal, and
it is quite obvious that we are seeing a tape made by a security camera. 
Suddenly, five gangster types wielding laser weapons barge in. While two of 
them hold the customers and staff at gun point, two more burn a whole in the
safe door. The five of them run into the safe and run out carrying armfuls of 
money sacks.]

[Scene Change. Exterior Shot. The California Coastline. From out of the water
come humanoid barracuda mutants. At least twenty of the humanoids are emerging
from the sea. As they come up from the ocean, they immediately attack the
people on the beach. Carnage flies everywhere.]

[Scene Change. Exterior Shot. Picadilly Circus, London. A crowd is gathered
around a lone constable, each yelling about the recent crime spree.  In the 
corner of the screen, a young boy is pickuing a man's pocket.]

[Scene Change. Interior Shot. A television news studio. In the corner of the
screen is a small window which continues to show acts of violence, crime, and
terrorism.  An announcer with wavy hair and a serious tone ov voice sits
behind a desk in the foreground.

ANNOUNCER:     No one knows who is responsible for these random and 
               seemingly meaningless acts of violence, crime, and 
               terrorism. Police and intelligence officials world wide
               have stated that the crimes don't fit the pattern of any
               known criminal or terrorist group. However, earlier today,
               this station received a video tape from an anonymous source.
               On this tape a group calling themselves the World Crime League
               claims responsibility.  Here is that tape.

[In the insert window, the same office as in scene 8 appears.  The camera is
focused on the chair at the head of the table. The chair still has it's back
turned and the man in the chair is still petting a cat.]

[The insert window zooms forward to fill the entire screen.]

VOICE:         I come into your homes today to tell you of a new World 
               Order.  The World Crime League, through its control of 
               every criminal, thug, terrorist, villain, and evil mastermind
               on the planet, can control every aspect of your life.  You
               have been warned.

[The screen goes blank.]

[Scene 18. Interior Shot. Banzai Institute's general laboratory.  Buckaroo
Banzai, New Jersey Jones, Perfect Tommy, Dr. Hikita, Reno and the rest of
the Hong Kong Cavaliers are clustered around a large screen television having
just complete watching the above newscast.  Buckaroo steps back in thought.]

TOMMY:         This is some serious...

[Suddenly, Buckaroo snaps into a frenzy of energy. As he gives orders, the
Cavaliers rush to fill them.]

BUCKAROO:      Tommy, see if we have a Blue Blazer Irregular working at that
               station.  Tell him, we're going to need the original tape, 
               have him make copies for any intelligence agencies, but make
               sure WE get the original.

TOMMY:         Right.  [He heads off.]

BUCKAROO:      And Tommy, no strike teams.

TOMMY:         Right.

BUCKAROO:      Hikita-san, we're going to need your tape analyzing equipment.
               Reno, cross-reference that voice pattern with our computer 
               files, I want to know who it is we're dealing with. New Jersey
               come with me. We're heading for that station right now.
               [Heading out the door, he starts talking into a radio.] Get
               World Watch One ready.

[Everyone scatters to get to work.]

[Scene 19. Interior Shot. Bridge of the starship, Enterprise (NCC-1701-D).
William Riker, dressed as a 17th century pirate, occupies the Captain's
chair. Tasha Yar, in a karate gi is at security/communications, Wesley 
Crusher, looking somewhat nerdish in a white lab coat, blue high-tops, and
jeans is at navigation, while Worf at ops wears something remarkably similar
to battle armor. The turbolift doors, located upstage right, opens and Picard
and Data (dressed as they were before) enter, just as the ship shakes again.
Recovering their balance, Data takes over for Worf at Ops, who moves to
Science 1, while Picard walks to center stage.]

PICARD:        Riker, report.

RIKER:         We seem to be encountering a kind of turbulence.

PICARD:        Turbulence!  In Space!  Don't be ridiculous.

WESLEY:        Actually, Captain, they're ripples in the space/time 
               continuum.  The ship is being jumped around into different
               times, microseconds apart really, causing it to shake
               unceasingly.  It's not unlike my current science proj...

PICARD:        (interrupting) Shut up, Wesley!

DATA:          I've traced the source of the turbulence, sir. It comes from
               a planet in the Chi'Kago star system, approximately 106 light
               years ahead.

RIKER:         (raising one eyebrow) Approximately, Data?

DATA:          The eddies in the space/time continuum make exact readings

[Suddenly, a Victorian era couch appears out of nowhere, onto the bridge. Two
men are sitting on the couch, haning on for dear life. One is wearing a bath
robe and the other is carrying a battered satchel.  Before anything can be
done, the couch disappears.]

[Riker and Picard exchange glances. The turbolift doors burst open and Guinan
walks onto the bridge.]

GUINAN:        Picard, may I speak with you ... alone.

PICARD:        Of course, In my ready room. Riker, you have the conn.

[Picard and Guinan walk towards the Ready Room. Riker strikes a dramatic 
pose and in his current state of dress, it works.]

[Scene Change. Interior Shot. Captain Picard's Ready Room. Picard and Guinan
walk in and sit across the desk from each other.  Picard kicks back and puts
his feet up on the desk, reaches into a nearby file cabinet and pulls out a
bottle of rye synthehol.]

PICARD:        Care for a drink, Guinan?

GUINAN:        No thank you, Captain.

[He shrugs, takes a swig, and puts the bottle away.]

PICARD:        What did you want to speak to me about?

GUINAN:        This is wrong, Captain.

PICARD:        Well, why did you ask to come in here then.

GUINAN:        No, I mean, your clothes, the crew, all of it, everything
               is wrong.

PICARD:        Freedom is wrong?  Free Enterprise is wrong?  Getting 
               fabulously rich is wrong?

GUINAN:        No, I mean, we aren't pirates.

PICARD:        Of course we aren't, we're privateers, big difference you 

GUINAN:        We belong, or we're supposed to belong, to Starfleet. The
               military branch of a galaxy wide government known as the
               United Federation of Planets.

PICARD:        Us?  Conscripts of some military machine, like the Romulans.

GUINAN:        It's not like that.

PICARD:        Thank the gods for that, eh?  [The ship shakes.]  You'll
               pardon me if I don't get worried about thhis, but I have
               more pressing matters to attend to.

[He gets up and heads for the bridge. Guinan follows, fuming.]

[Scene Change. Enterprise main bridge. Picard and Guinan walk in from the 
ready room. Guinan immediately goes to the turbolift. She looks agitated.]

TASHA:         Hello, Guinan.

GUINAN:        [Spins around to look at her.] I don't know you. [Turns back
               toward the lift and bumps into Geordi coming out. Throws him
               aside and leaves.]

GEORDI:        What's wrong with her?

[Tasha shrugs. BTW, Geordi is wearing black shoes, black socks, black pants,
white shirt, black jacket, black hat, and a pair of sunglasses.]

PICARD:        Data, distance to Chi'Kago system, again?

DATA:          Approximately 106 light years, sir.

PICARD:        Lay in a course for the source of the distrubance, Warp Factor

WESLEY:        Course laid in.  [Said, after pressing several buttons.]

PICARD:        Mr. LaForge, Engineering Report.

GEORDI:        [Checking Science 4 (Now Engineering 1)] It's 106 light years
               to Chi'Kago, we've got a full bank of dilithium, [thumbs a
               cigarette from his pocket] half a pack of syntherettes, It's
               dark in space, and I'm wearing sunglasses.

PICARD:        [Turns toward the viewscreen and points.] Hit it.

{Author's note, yes that was a cheap joke, but I liked it and that's what
parody's are about anyway.}
[Scene 20. Interior Shot. A rather cramped, metal hallway.  Walking along
the corridor is a bronze colored protocol droid.  Rolling along beside him
is a small, trash-can shaped droid.]

C3-PO:         I don't know what Master Luke wanted, R2.  He just said to
               meet him in the briefing center.

R2-D2:         Bleep, bleep, whirr, bleep, whistle, beep.

C3-PO:         No, I don't think he's going to lift you in the air again.
               Ah, here we are.

[A steel door opens up and the two droids move into a large room.  The room
is mostly filled with rows of chairs which face a wall at the front of the 
room.  Each row is set on a tier higher than the one in front of it.  Two
rows of stairs descend toward the front of the room.  C3-PO and R2-D2 have
walked in at the back.  At the front of the room, Luke Skywalker, Han Solo,
Princess Leia, Chewbacca, and Lando Calrissian wait.]

LUKE:          3-PO, R2, thanks for coming.  R2, let me help you down. [He
               extends a hand toward the droids.]

R2-D2:         Bleep, whistle, blink, bloop, whirrrrr, beep!

C3-PO:         He says, he'd rather you didn't sir.

LUKE:          [shrugs] OK.

[The two droids move forward, when they reach the first step, C3-PO steps
down, but R2-D2 rolls off the edge, falls over, and begins to tumble end
over end, beeping and whirring, while C3-PO chases after him.  R2-D2 lands
in a crumpled heap at the bottom.]

R2-D2:         Beep, beep, whistle, beep, whirrrrrrr!  Bloop!

C3-PO:         He says, 'I meant to do that.'

HAN:           Right.  [Turning to the others, while Chewbacca puts R2-D2 
               right side up.] What are we here for, anyway.

LEIA:          Let me show you. [She operates a hand-held control and the
               large viewscreen shows the Empire's fleet gathering at the
               Galactic Rim.]

LANDO:         [Let's out a low whistle] That's some fleet.

LEIA:          We believe that the Emperor is planning to attack another 
               galaxy, far, far away.

HAN:           Good riddance!  Get him off our backs!

LEIA:          Solo!  A new war would quickly drain the resources of this
               galaxy, as well as strengthen the forces against us.

LUKE:          What are we supposed to do.

LEIA:          We've been assigned to go ahead and organize the people of 
               that galaxy to fight the Empire.

[A side door slides open.  A man wearing a flight suit and a red helmet 
walks in.]

LEIA:          What is it, Wedge?

WEDGE:         The Millenium Falcon and an X-Wing are ready for your team,

LEIA:          Thank you, Wedge.

[He turns to walk out.  Han pulls out a blaster and shoots Wedge in the
back, killing him.]

LUKE:          Han!  What'd you do that for?

HAN:           That guy's been in every movie and he's always killed within 
               five minutes.

LUKE:          Oh.


All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
Copyright 1991 Creative Insights, a subsidiary of Minion Media, International
Distributed September 1991 by Minion Press, a subsidiary of MMI

Special Thanks for video research go to:
  God's Back Pocket Research Firm, a subsidiary of DeityCo
  "If we can't find it, you don't want it!"

DeityCo et al are subsidiaries of Virtual Enterprises, GmbH
 (Don't worry, we can't pronounce it either.)

Comments, Questions, Death Threats, Marraige Proposals to lightnin@sidehack.gweep.net

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