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Our Story So Far:
In the midst of a battle with the Cylons the crew of the Battlestar Galactica
are shocked to see (what they are soon to discover is) a Krikkitean Battle
Ship appear inside a Cylon Fighter. The Krikkitean robots steal one of the
Cylons and then disappear, ending the battle. Meanwhile, Zarkov et al have
crashed in the Kentucky Backwoods and begin to pick their way back to
civilization. Slartibartfast appears on the bridge of the Battlestar
Galactica and is convinced to take them to earth with him, but first converts
their primitive engines. The crew of the Enterprise-A commence their time
warp, only to severely damage their warp engines in the process. The Doctor
and Companions are thrown out of the UN, but eventually get in with the help
of David Letterman. The World Crime League begins a wave of terror and
Buckaroo Banzai and the Hong Kong Cavaliers began plans to thwart their
evil plots. Guinan attempts to convince Picard that they are not actually
Rogue Space Pirates, but really members of Starfleet. Finally, the leaders
of the REBEL ALLIANCE decide to head to Earth ahead of the EMPIRE to prepare
them to resist.
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The Universal Science Fiction Parody
(An Epic of Novel Proportions)
[Scene 21. Interior Shot. A fine, wood-panelled office. A few pictures of
recent presidents hang on the walls. One wall is actually a bookshelf,
holding such titles as 'KAOS: Terrorists or Industrialists?','Who's Who in
Control' and '101 Uses for a Dead CIA Agent.' At the back of the room is
a large, oaken desk with a nice office chair behind it and a small chair in
front of it. One of the walls turns out to be a sliding door. You notice this
when it opens and lets in Agent 86, Maxwell Smart. A white-haired, balding,
portly gentlemen, known only as Chief, rises from behind the desk.]
CHIEF: Max, I have an important assignment for you.
MAX: Right, Chief.
CHIEF: Have a seat, Max, let me brief you.
MAX: Uh, Chief, is this information -- TOP SECRET?
CHIEF: You know the answer to that, Max. Of course it is.
MAX: In that case, I suggest we use the Cone of Silence.
CHIEF: (sighs) Is that really necessary?
MAX: I insist.
CHIEF: Oh, all right.
[Chief touches a button on his desk and the Cone of Silence drops down from
the ceiling. The cone is two, clear, spherical bubbles connected by a clear
cylinder. (Really Cheesy) The balls fit over the heads of Max and Chief. In
this portion of the scene, the camera holds a closeup of whomever is
speaking.]
CHIEF: OK, Max, as you've probably noticed, there has been an
increase of terrorist activities around the world recently.
We've reason to believe that KAOS is involved, but also
that they've gotten some heavy-hitting help.
MAX: What makes us think that, Chief?
CHIEF: A group calling themselves the World Crime League is claiming
responsibility.
MAX: Right.
CHIEF: Your mission is to find out anything you can about this group.
I've assigned 99 and Hymie to assist you.
MAX: Right, Chief.
CHIEF: And what do you know, this thing worked after all. [He pushes
a button on his desk but nothing happens] What the...[he
continues to push the button, getting irritated.]
MAX: Here, let me try, Chief. [He ducks out from underneath the
cone, as does the Chief, Finally they give up. As they are
walking towards the door, the Cone of Silence collapses on
the desk, shattering.] Sorry about that Chief.
[Scene 22. Interior Shot. Pilot Compartment of the Millenium Falcon. In the
Pilot's seat is Han Solo, in the co-pilot's chair is Chewbacca. Behind
Chewie is Princess Leia. Lando walks in from another part of the ship and
sits behind Solo.]
LEIA: Did you get 3-PO fastened down?
LANDO: No problem. [He flashes a Billy Dee Williams Grin (tm)]
HAN: Did you hog tie him like I suggested?
[Another trademark grin from Lando.]
LEIA: You didn't?!? [She begins to get up.]
LANDO: No, I didn't.
LEIA: Oh, good. [She sits again.]
LANDO: I soldered his feet to the floor.
HAN: [Jumping in before Leia can say anything.] Prepare for the
jump to Hyperspeed. Luke, you ready?
LUKE: (over radio) All set, Han.
HAN: OK, everyone belted in? Good, go for jump.
[Han moves a few levers on the control board and the Star Wars Hyperspace
Effect takes place outside the window. As they come out of the hyperspace
jump, Leia is fuming.]
LEIA: I don't believe you! YOu could at least have pateched him
into the radio link.
C3-PO: (over radio) He did, Princess.
LEIA: 3-PO? Are you all right?
C3-PO: Oh yes, it was much more pleasant than the time his men
dismantled me and almost sold me for scrap.
[Everyone laughs.]
HAN: Well, it's a long, long, way to our distination. I'm going
to take a nap. [He gets out of his seat and heads back.]
[Scene 23. Interior Shot. A run-down shack on a rowd (clearly visible
through the window) that winds through the forest. It is clear that the
shcak wants to be a country store, but the inch-thick layer of dust on
everything gives credence to the rumor that no one has been in here for
quite some time.]
[Flash, Dale, and Dr. Zarkov walk in the door. Despite the fact that they
have just led an attack on one of the most ruthless opponents in the
universe, Ming the Merciless; made not one, but two, bold crosses of the
dimensional barrier by travelling through a black hole; been brutally beaten
and tortured by said ruthless opponent, Ming; side-swiped a time machine of
alien origin; and crash landed a rocket ship made out of old washing machine
parts in a forest in Kentucky; not to mention that they did all of this in
a day and a half. Despite all of that their hair is still freshly combed
and blow-dried, their faces washed, and their clothes newly-pressed. It
makes you wonder if they had hats, would they come off. Anyway, the three
of them walk in the door and over to the counter, where an old, dirt poor man
sits. Zarkov is about to speak when a screech is heard outside. A red
convertible sports car is framed in the door. A young, yuppie type dressed
in a business suit runs in. He rushes up to the counter.]
YUPPIE: Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?
[The man grunts and points towards aisle 3. The yuppie runs off in search
of a fine mustard. Zarkov moves toward the counter.]
ZARKOV: Excuse me, which way is it to the nearest town?
[The old man points behind him.]
DALE: How far is it?
[The man mumbles something under his breath and holds up three fingers.]
FLASH: (quietly to Dale) Talkative isn't he.
DALE: (aside to Flash) shhh! (to old man) Is that miles?
[The old man grunts for acknowledgement but nods yes. At this point the
yuppie runs up with a case of gourmet mustard, drops a wad of bills on the
counter and rushes off. The old man rings up the sale.]
ZARKOV: Thanks very much for your help.
[Dale, Flash & Zarkov leave the run-down shop.]
[Scene change. Exterior Shot. A dirt road winding through a forest in
Kentucky. This entire portion of the film is seen with trees interposing
themselves, as though through the eyes of some animal following Zarkov,
Flash, and Dale, who exit the shop and walk down the road.]
FLASH: We'd better stick together. You never know what we could
find out here.
ZARKOV: Yes. There could be lions or tigers or bears.
DALE: Oh my!
[They continue to walk along the road. It darkens melodramatically and
they get more and more frightened.]
ALL THREE: Lions and Tigers and Bears
DALE: Oh my!
ALL THREE: Lions and Tigers and Bears
DALE: Oh my!
ALL THREE: Lions and Tigers and Bears
DALE: Oh my!
[This continues until the camera, acting as 'creature' rushes up to them.
Dale's scream is the last thing we hear as the screen goes black.]
[Scene 24. Exterior Shot. Enterprise 1701-D coming into orbit around a drab
olive planet.]
PICARD's
VOICE: Captain's Log. Stardate, ummm...damn, Data, what season is
this anyway?
DATA's VOICE: Season 7 sir.
PICARD's
VOICE: Good. Stardate 741268.9738, Captain Jean-Luc Picard recording.
It has been several days since we first encountered the
space/time turbulence. We are now in orbit over the planet
that is the source of these disturbances and are preparing
to send an away team down to investigate the phenomenon.
[Scene Change. Interior Shot. Bridge of the Enterprise. Picard is standing,
looking at the planet on the viewscreen.]
PICARD: Riker! Assemble an away team. I want to know as much as
possible about the source of this disturbance.
RIKER: Right! LaForge, Worf, Data, come with me.
[They head for the turbolift.]
TROI: Oh! The pain!
PICARD: What is it Counselor? Do you sense some overwhelming emotion
from a nearby intelligent, but previously unknown entity.
TROI: No, I have a tremendous headache this big and it's got
'Excedrin' written all over it.
[Picard looks at Riker, who rolls his eyes meaningfully.]
PICARD: Carry on, Number One.
RIKER: Aye aye, sir.
[Scene Change. Transporter Room Three. Transporter Chief O'Brien is standing
behind the console wearing a traditional Scottish outfit of the 20th Century,
complete with kilt. Worf, Data, Riker, and LaForge walk in.]
DATA: Commander, due to the strength of the temporal disturbance we
are likely to encounter, it may be advisable to prepare for
harsh climactic conditions.
RIKERL Good idea. [He goes over to a row of lockers on the far wall.
Each of them has a label, e.g. 'Full Body Environmental Suit',
'High Gravity Servo-Supports','Noxious Fume Protection Head
Gear/Breathing Apparatus'. He opens a locker labelled
'Flashlights' and gets one out for each member of the party.]
There we go. [Everyone gets on the platform.] Energize!
[O'Brien moves his hand over the controls and the away team disappears into
a glittering transporter effect.]
[Scene 25. Exterior Shot. A barren, wind-swept desert. Off in the distance,
multi-colored mountains can be seen. The dazzling, transporter effect begins
in the foreground. The shapes of Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Scotty and Chekov
appear (Ha, ha, fooled you :-). As they take final form, Spock begins
scanning with his Tri-Corder.]
SPOCK: Scanning indicates that this is indeed White Sands, New
Mexico. The test site is just over that dune.\
KIRK: Very well, let's go. [Kirk's communicator beeps. He takes
it off his belt and flips it open. Kirk here.
UHURA: (over communicator) Captain, sensors picking up a Romulan
Warbird approaching from behind the sun.
KIRK: Uhura, this is twentieth century Earth! That's impossible!
SULU: (over communicator) It's true Captain, it came around going
extremely fast and is now decelerating hard.
SPOCK: If that's true, it may be that it followed us through the time
warp.
KIRK: Hmmmmm. Keep an eye on them, Sulu, Kirk out. [He closes
the communicator.] Gentlemen, shall we go?
[They walk off towards the dune.]
[Scene 26. Exterior Shot. Base of the Network 23 building. The dark,
ominous, black feel of the old Max Headroom Television series is maintained.
Large amounts of footage are spent on this scene. A row of nearly identical
black sedans are parked along the road. Suddenly, World Watch One swings
around the corner. Before it comes to a complete stop, Buckaroo is leaping
out and running towards the building. New Jersey Jones is a mere three steps
behind him. They run into the building.]
[Scene change. Interior Shot. Lobby of Network 23 building. Everything
is done in shades of black marble. In the background, a group of men in
trenchcoats and sunglasses are yelling incoherently at a video monitor which
holds the image of Max Headroom.]
MAX: G-G-G-Gentlemen, please, control yourselves.
[Buckaroo and Jones ignore them and head for the stairs.]
[Scene Change. Bryce Lynch's Lab. Various computers, video equipment,
robots, Mattel Toys, wires, cables, cameras, and other high-tech electronic
equipment are scattered about the room. In one corner, a wire birdcage
holds a mechanical, gold-plated owl. (It is the mechanical Boo-bo, built
by Hephaestus and given to Perseus by Athena in "Clash of the Titans").
Bryce is sitting in front of his computer, his feet up, drinking a lime soda
and playing wiht an Etch-A-Sketch. Buckaroo and New Jersey Jones burst in
the door.]
BUCKAROO: Bryce! Have you still got the tape?
BRYCE: No problem. Some of those secret agent types showed up, but
I sent Max to stall them.
JONES: Yeah, we saw them.
BUCKAROO: Bryce! Where's the tape?!
BRYCE: Right here, but I have to show you this...It's a nonvert,
you don't have to see it or hear it, you just get this
urge to buy the prod...
BUCKAROO: Sorry Bryce, no time. [He grabs the tape] C'mon Jones.
[They bolt out of the room.]
[Max Headroom appears on a nearby display.]
MAX: H-h-how much longer-ger-ger do I have to stall these
g-g-g-g-goons?
BRYCE: Go ahead and give them the tapes... Wait a minute!
[He breaks into a smile.] Put the prune juice nonverts
on the tapes you give them.
MAX: R-r-right.
[Scene 27. Interior Shot. Bridge of the Battlestar Galactica. It looks
much the same as it did before with a few major exceptions. The primary
exception is that the center of the command balcony is made to look like
an Italian Bistro. A round table is set up with four place settings laid
out. Commander Adama, Starbuck, Apollo, and Slartibartfast are sitting
around the table. In the center is a basket of rolls, a salt shaker, a
pepper mill, and a small condiment rack holding parmesan cheese, hot peppers,
and catsup. An ice bucket with a bottle of red wine is between Slartibartfast
and Apollo.]
SLARTIBARTFAST:Well, that's everything, except...
ADAMA: What's that sir?
SLARTIBARTFAST:Hmmm. Ideally, there should be a dog underneath the table,
begging for scraps. I wouldn't suppose you have anything
passing for a dog on this bucket of tin?
APOLLO: Well, there's Moff...
[It is evident that Apollo stopped because Starbuck kicked him in the shin
under the table.]
SLARTIBARTFAST:What was that? Speak up! [The other three exchange looks.]
You want to get to Earth don't you.
ADAMA: There is a robotic Moffett.
SLARTIBARTFAST:Well, brinh him in here.
[The screen goes black and the words 'A short time later' apear on the
screen. Then the picture fades to the same scene as before except that
Slartibartfast is out of his chair and talking to Toby? (That little
brat on BG)]
SLARTIBARTFAST:Ok, now when I toss some salt over my left shoulder, you
send him under the table.
TOBY: Right.
[Slartibartfast goes to the chair and sits down.]
SLARTIBARTFAST:I hope you gentlemen are hungry. [He pours a round of wine
for everyone.] Friends, a toast. [He raises his glass, as
do the others.] To Earth!
OTHERS: To Earth! [They all clink glasses and the sound of the
engines roaring to life is heard.]
{Author's Note: GFO=Generic Female Officer, GMO=Generic Male Officer}
GFO: Commander, we've already reached our normal cruising speed!
SLARTIBARTFAST:Help yourselves to rolls sirs.
[A mad dash for rolls ensues, during which SLARTIBARTFAST spills some salt,
which he tosses over his left shoulder. Toby releases Moffett who runs
under the table and scampers in a circle.]
SLARTIBARTFAST:Starbuck, isn't it? Knock over that glass of wine. [Starbuck
does so.] Now, Commander, quickly, soak it up with your
napkin. [Adama complies.]
GMO: General, cosmic dust is striking the outer hull with
great intensity.
GENERAL: Lower the blast sheild.
[GMO moves some levers and the metal shield is lowered.]
SLARTIBARTFAST:Apollo, feed Moffett under the table. [As Apollo does this,
SLARTIBARTFAST downs his drink and pours another one.]
Enjoy your shrimp scampi, gentlemen.
[Suddenly, a calypso drum beat hovers in the air and...]
SLARTIBARTFAST:Daaaaaay-o. Daa-aa-aay-o. Daylight come and me wanna go
home.
GFO: Commander, something's wrong! We're spiraling way off
course.
SLARTIBARTFAST:Day, me say day, me say day, me say daa-aa-aay-o. Daylight
come and me wanna go home.
GMO: There's something on the long range scan! It's mass indicates
a Cylon Basestar!
[From here on, Slartibartfast, Adama, Starbuck, and Apollo reenact the
dinner calypso scene from Beetlejuice, which alternates with scenes of the
entire fleet hurtling haphazardly through space and dragging the Cylon
Basestar with them. As the song ends, the fleet is moving at great speed.
Extreme close-up of Slartibartfast.]
SLARTIBARTFAST:Oh dear.
[Scene 28. Exterior Shot. Planet of the Guardian of Forever. Worf, Data,
LaForge, and Riker are standing near the Guardian. Data is sweeping the
area with his Tri-Corder, while LaForge and Riker examine the Guardian.]
RIKER: Geordi, what do you see.
LaFORGE: Nothing, Commander, I'm blind remember.
[Riker takes off Geordi's hat and hits him with it.]
RIKER: With the SHADES (tm), you idiot.
{Author's Note: SHADES = Sensitive Hilighting, Array-Deployed, Enhancement
Sensors. Thank you.}
LaFORGE: Oh, well it appears to be made of a previously unknown
substance.
DATA: Commander LaForge, perhaps connecting with the Enterprise
computers would help.
LaFORGE: Good idea. [He taps his communicator.] Computer, connect
with my SHADES(tm) for data analysis.
[A few bleeps and whirrs.]
COMPUTER: Connection completed.
[Riker leans a hand against the Guardian which begins to glow in flashes and
talk.]
GUARDIAN: I am the Guardian of Forever. What was, can be again. Many
journeys are possible.
[Riker jumps.]
RIKER: What was that?!
DATA: I believe that it was the structure that we have been studying.
GUARDIAN: I am the Guardian of Forever. Here is the history of one of
your home worlds.
[The Guardian's center clouds over and then begins to display the history of
Earth. Data sets his Tri-Corder on rapid scan and aims it at the Guardian.
Riker notices his action.]
RIKER: Data, what are you doing?
DATA: I am using the tricorder to record the Earth's history.
I saw Spock do it in an episode of the old series title,
"City on the Edge of Forever."
RIKER: Hmmmm. As I recall, any minute now, a temporarily insane
member of the crew is supposed to jump into the scene and
enter the Guardian.
[Suddenly, Guinan jumps from behind a rock, rushes at the Guardian and
jumps through.]
GUINAN: Cowabunga!
[Worf fires his phaser. He misses Guinan but the beam enters the Guardian
of Forever.]
[Scene Change. Interior Shot. Bridge of the Enterprise. Two-shot of
Picard and Troi necking. Troi notices the camera, points to it, Picard
turns, sees the camera, collects himself, and stares intently at the
viewscreen.]
PICARD: How did Guinan get down there anyway?
WESLEY: Computer records no transporter activity and no shuttles
are missing from the shuttledeck.
PICARD: Thank you, ensign, but that tells me how she didn't get
there, NOT how she did.
WESLEY: Well, I just thought...
PICARD: Shut up, Wesley!
OFF-STAGE
VOICE: Have you vacuumed your cats face today?
PICARD: [Whirls around] Q!
Q: Yes, Picard, how astute of you to notice.
PICARD: Q!
Q: You're repeating yourself. I sent Guinan to the planet.
PICARD: Why?
Q: Hold that thought. [He turns and disappears. Picard stands
there stunned. suddenly Q returns.] I sent her down because
there's something wrong here.
PICARD: What?
Q: History has been changed. The thing is you don't know it.
PICARD: What?
Q: Guinan knew what was happening, so I put her on the planet so
she could fix it. Besides, I didn't really like her.
PICARD: Bring her back.
Q: Can't she's already gone through the Guardian. This is
your problem now, and Picard...
PICARD: What?!
Q: Wesley is special.
[Q fades out, while Wesley secretly smiles to himself.]
PICARD: Shut up, Wesley!
[Scene 29. Exterior Shot. Kentucky Woods, near a highway. The highway is
rather deserted and cars go by infrequently. Dr. Zarkov, Dale, Flash, and
a large, hairy mass which towers over them are walking down the road.]
FLASH: Dale, we have to get rid of this thing. It's hard enough
to get a ride anyway, with this beast around, it's impossible.
DALE: Flash! Stop! You're hurting his feelings. [She puts her arm
around the monster and coos to it.] There, there.
[As Dale coos to the beast, the camera pans upward and we can see that this
huge beast is Harry from 'Harry and the Hendersons']
FLASH: Dr. Zarkov!
ZARKOV: I'm sorry, Flash. I have to side with Dale on this, the
possibilities here for scientific study are enormous.
FLASH: What about the possibilities of ever getting back to
civilization? Besides, you realise that every car that
passes us, goes and tells the people in the next town.
ZARKOV: Good, that will increase our chances of receiving aid.
FLASH: [Rolls his eyes.] You never saw _Frankenstein_, did you?
ZARKOV: No, I find popular cinema unchallenging to my intellect,
why?
FLASH: Never mind. [Suddenly, a burst of red laser light shoots
past Flash's head.] Hit the deck! [All of them including
Harry dive into a nearby ditch.] What was that?
ZARKOV: My guess would be some kind of hand-powered laser weapon,
but I've never heard of anything like that on Earth.
FLASH: Ming's men had a lot of them. [Considers for a moment.]
I'm going to have a look. [He stands up. Harry, who is
right next to him, mimics his action. Flash has only been
standing for a few seconds when another laser shot wings
him. He quickly ducks. A blue station wagon drives by
before Hary can duck.]
[Quick scene change. Interior Shot. Inside the blue station wagon, close
up of the driver. It is Mr. Henderson from Harry and the Hendersons.]
HENDERSON: Was that?...Never mind. [Shakes his head.]
[Quick scene change. Exterior Shot. Close up of Flash, Dale, Harry, and
Zarkov in the ditch.]
FLASH: Definitely more of Ming's shock troops.
DALE: [Gets hysterical] What are we going to do?!?!? They'll kill
us!!!
[Flash slaps Dale repeatedly until she calms down.]
FLASH: Calm down, Dale, we'll think of something.
[But it's already too late. Flash looks up and at this point the camera
angle changes so that we are seeing through Flash's eyes. The camera is
focused on a pair of silver boots first, but it moves up to show a red and
silver uniformed person, wearing a space helmet. He carries a rather
mean-looking weapon which he points at the camera and fires. The screen
goes quickly red and then fades to black.]
[Scene 30. Exterior Shot. The utter, endless blackness of deep space.
As the camera pans, the entire Imperial Fleet can be seen. It is not
drifting aimlessly, but moving under full power, all in the same direction.
The Dreck Star is at the center of it all. It's front point is as it was
before, and all three engines on the rear corners are under full power moving
the ting.]
[Scene Change. Interior Shot. Lord Gator's Meditation Room. Karth is
sitting with his back to the camera in the lotus position on four soft
pillows. A beeping signal is heard. Karth rotates in position until he
is facing the camera.]
KARTH: Come in.
[A large metal door slides up and a single officer walks in.]
OFFICER: Lord Gator, no mass detected even on the longest range
scans.
KARTH: That is odd. I sense a strong disturbance in the force
ahead. No matter, it is of little consequence. Thank you
Admiral Fister.
FISTER: Yes, Lord Gator. [He clicks his heels and walks out.]
KARTH: Hmmmm. Skywalker, it is you isn't it. I shall not fail
to defeat you as have so many of my predecessors.
[He rotates back again. Fade to black.]
--
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
Copyright 1991 Creative Insights, a subsidiary of Minion Media, International
Distributed September 1991 by Minion Press, a subsidiary of MMI
Special Thanks for video research go to:
God's Back Pocket Research Firm, a subsidiary of DeityCo
"If we can't find it, you don't want it!"
DeityCo et al are subsidiaries of Virtual Enterprises, GmbH
(Don't worry, we can't pronounce it either.)
Comments, Questions, Death Threats, Marraige Proposals to lightnin@sidehack.gweep.net
-----
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