Our Story So Far:

Steve Austin, aboard the Starship Enterprise (1701-A) is told that he was
supposed to have crashed, and nearly died in his test flight.  Instead, he
was saved from certain death by the quick thoughts of Captain Kirk, and the
quick actions of Commander Kyle.  Also, Guinan, having just emerged from the
Guardian of Forever to discover that she accidentally caused the errors in
the flow of time that she wanted to prevent, is in a state of catatonic
shock.  Chekov calls down to inform the captain that two ships have suddenly
appeared in the system, and are headed towards Earth.  Marty McFly decides 
that if Spin really has managed to rebuild a working time machine from the
parts at the train wreck, that they should contact Doc in 1885.  As they
drive off into the distance, the special effects inform us that it worked.

In the distant future of 2691, Rufus is bummed out.  It seems that all of
the time distortions being caused in the past have turned the bright, hopeful
future spawned by Bill and Ted into a wasteland of corruption and deceit.
Rufus is now a member of a resistance force, and he is going back in time
to enlist the aid of Bill and Ted to put the future back on the correct

Luke and Company land in the desert near White Sands, New Mexico.  As they
are preparing to start out for the nearest city, Flash Gordon and his friends
crash into the sand on a jet cycle (skewering Wedge in the process).  The
two groups join forces and head out for the nearest city.

Sam and Al are in dire straits.  They still have no idea why they are where 
they are, or even what they are really doing.  Meanwhile, Riker, Data, and 
Geordi have discovered a bit of wreckage with what looks like Phaser burn
on it.  Almost a mile and a half above them, in standard orbit, Sub-commander
Tanalak, and Commander Sateen of the Romulan Empire are puzzling with their
own problems.  They're dilithium crystals have been drained from the time
warp that they followed the Enterprise crew into, and they are looking for
a way to handle their current situation.  Just then, the Star Wars Empire's
attack force enters the system, and the Romulands head out to rendezvous with

The GI Joe task force is being briefed on their new enemy "The World Crime
League" when they rush out to meet the 'attack' of Buckaroo Banzai and the
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  Buckaroo manages to hold off the hostilities
and begin a dialogue with General Hawk.  Agent 86, 99 and Hymie enter the
secret Control labs, located in the floor of a moving van, and speak to 
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, who reveals that he has determined the identity of
"Deep Voice."  It is Grover.  After Smart leaves, we see that Honeydew is
really working for KAOS.

The Doctor and his companions have misjumped and arrived on Squornshellous
Zeta.  The Doctor will not believe this, until he sees Marvin approaching
the TARDIS, at which point he panics and madly sets coordinates to bring
them back to Earth.  After the TARDIS leaves, Marvin gets his artificial 
leg stuck in the mud.
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                  The Universal Science Fiction Parody
                     (An Epic of Novel Proportions)

[Scene 51. Exterior Shot. New Mexico Desert.  Luke, C3-PO, R2-D2, Leia, Solo,
Chewbacca, Lando, Zarkov, Flash, Dale, and Harry are walking through the
night.  Luke, looks slightly despondent and hangs back.  Leia slows down to
talk to him.]

LEIA:          Luke, what's wrong?

LUKE:          Oh, nothing.

LEIA:          Don't give me that, you haven't been the same since Wedge died.

LUKE:          Which time?  [He smiles, slightly]

LEIA:          [pokes him in the arm.] For the last time, what is wrong with

LUKE:          Does it ever bother you that every member of our family who
               ever became a Jedi succumbed to the Dark Side?

LEIA:          Well, you haven't.  [She crosses her arms on her chest.]

LUKE:          Maybe.

LEIA:          What do you mean by that?

LUKE:          Think of it.  who killed all those Dark Knights?

LEIA:          Well, you did, but that doesn't make you evil.

LUKE:          Killing is wrong.

LEIA:          But they were evil, the deserved it.  Besides, they all
               forgave you.

LUKE:          Another thing!  How have I continued my training?

LEIA:          Your spirit advisors.

LUKE:          Who are all dead!  It's the dark side of the force that deals
               with death!  The force is about life!

LEIA:          Luke, you aren't evil.  [She puts a hand on his arm.]  You
               just live in odd times. [A pause] We all do.

[They walk ahead and pass R2-D2 and C3-PO.  R2 veers off as they pass.]

C3-PO:         R2-D2, where are you going?

R2-D2:         *whistle* *twink* *bleep*

C3-PO:         I don't care what you've detected.  We're going this way.
               [He points in the direction the others have gone.]

R2-D2:         *bleep* *bloop* *whirrrrr*

C3-PO:         Oh, all right, I'm coming.

[They walk off along a path perpendicular to the rest.  Suddenly, R2-D2 stops
and C3-PO nearly trips over him.]

C3-PO:         What is it now?

R2-D2:         *beep* *whirrrrrr* *twinkle*

C3-PO:         Oh, OK, I'll look.

[C3-PO bends down to look closely at the ground.]

[Scene Change.  Giant sand dune.  A plastic green dune buggy drives up.]

SISTER:        Are we there yet, Papa Doodlebug?

[The car comes to a stop.]

PAPA:          Yes, we are, Sister Doodlebug.

SIS & BRO:     Hurray!

[Sister and Brother Doodlebug jump out and run off camera.  Papa & Mamma
Doodlebug get out of the car, set up a beach umbrella, and lay on towels.]

PAPA:          It sure is a fine day to be at the beach, Mamma Doodlebug.

MAMMA:         Yes, it is, Papa Doodlebug.

[Suddenly, the child doodlebugs rush back into the scene.]

BRO & SIS:     We can't find the water!

PAPA:          Are you sure?

BROTHER:       We looked everywhere.

MAMMA:         Maybe we should all look?

PAPA:          Good idea, Mamma Doodlebug.

[They all stand up.]

PAPA:          Let's look this way.

[All of them walk off in the indicated direction.]

MAMMA:         Let's try this way.

[All of them move in a new direction.]

SISTER:        This isn't working at all.

BROTHER:       Maybe we should split up and look for the water.

PAPA:          That is a good idea, Brother Doodlebug.

[They split up and walk off in different directions.  The camera zooms away
and shows C3-PO standing up.]

C3-PO:         What was that all about?

R2-D2:         *beep* *twinkle* *whirrrrrrrr*

C3-PO:         Filler!  What do you mean filler?  Filler until what?

SHREDDER:      Until I show up!  Blast 'Em!

[Rock Steady and Be-Bop fire energy weapons at C3-PO and R2-D2, knocking them
unconscious.  Then they drag both droids into the terrordrome.]

[Scene 52.  Interior Shot.  A Star Trek convention.  A very large (around the
waist) man, dressed in a red TNG uniform, commander's rank, is walking around.
He spots worf strutting his stuff.  He waves his arm and calls out.]

MAN:           Pete!  Pete!

[Worf, unaware that anyone is calling him, continues on.  The man walks 
up to him.]

MAN:           Pete, didn't you hear me?  [Worf regards him with a sneer.]
               You really do get into character don't you.  C'mon, there's
               been a rewrite, your lines have all been changed.

[The Man leads Worf through a door guarded by someone wearing Vulcan ears.]

GUARD:         (addressing the man) Hi, Kevin.

KEVIN:         Hi, Jim.

[Worf and Kevin pass through the door.  Inside, all is chaos.  A man dressed
as Counselor Troi walks up.  He has two overstuffed balloons inside the dress
and a wig on his head.]

FALSE TROI:    Pete!  Great costume!  Here, here's the rewrite.

[He hands Worf some mimeographed pages.  Worf sneers at them.]

KEVIN:         You go sit over there, I'll help them get ready.

[Worf goes and sits down on an old crate.  After a minute, he begins
reading the script.  A few seconds later, he laughs out loud.]

[Fade to black.]

[Scene 53.  Exterior Shot.  A dramatic, wind-swept, desert plain.  The wind
blows dramatically, blowing sand around in a dramatic way.  In the distant,
a majestic, yet dramatically placed mountain range can be seen, and the smoke 
from various campfires (now being built because we are viewing a dramatic 
sunset) can be seen rising in the distance.  The camera pans around and we
see a dust-trail (dramatic, but not caused by the wind).  Following the 
trail, a large, overly-muscular, and very dramatic man is seen riding a
horse at a fast pace.  Dramatically.  Three men come out of a conveniently,
yet dramatically, placed copse of trees.  They draw swords and look menacingly
at our dramatic hero.]

EVIL GUY #1:   Conan!

[Conan pulls his horse to a stop.  It rears up slightly as it does so.]

EVIL GUY #1:   We would speak with you.

[Conan slowly draws his sword, preparing for the dramatic battle he 
knows is to come.]

EVIL GUY #1:   Get him!

[All three evil guys charge Conan.  He charges back, and slashes one of
them to the ground, while deftly dodging two swings from oponents.  The
third (Evil Guy #1) hits him with the pommel of his sword, knocking Conan
of horseback.  Evil Guys #1 and #2 turn their horses around and make ready
for another charge.  Conan holds his sword in a dramatic pose over his 
head.  The two Evil Guys on horseback charge, and Conan manages to slash
one of his sword, while knocking the other off on the back swing.  Now
two Evil guys are lying on the ground, and one more stands ready to fight.
Conan and Evil Guy #1 battle back and forth for a while, just as Conan manages
to knock Evil Guy #1 down, one of the other two guys attack him from behind,
distracting him from the final kill.  Finally, all three have mortal slash 
wounds to the chest.  Conan stands over them, chest heaving dramatically from
exertion.  Then he hears a voice.]


[Conan turns to see a very big man riding a huge black horse standing near
the copse of trees that the original men came out of.  He charges on his 
horse, missing Conan (he ducks) and turning around for another go.  Conan
waves his sword around dramatically, holds it over his head in that
pose.  The tableau freezes for about thirty seconds, while the background
orchestra plays a dramatic chord.  Then, Conan throws the sword.]

[Scene 54.  Exterior Shot.  White Sands, New Mexico.  Yet another portion of
this god-forsaken desert that nobody has arrived at.  For a government jet
testing site, this place sure gets a lot of traffic doesn't it.  A whirring
noise is heard and a blue police box fades into existence.  The door opens and
the Doctor pokes his head out to have a look around.  He brings his head back
in and closes the door.  Pause.  The door opens again and Romana has a look
around this time.  She closes the dooor.  Pause.  The door opens a third time
and K-9 comes out and makes one pass around the TARDIS without discovering 
anything at all.  He speaks.]

K-9:           The coast is clear, Doctor.

DOCTOR:        [from within] Are you sure?

K-9:           There is nothing registering on my sensors for quite some 
               distance.  I do not believe that that robot is in the 

DOCTOR:        Well, if you're sure, I'll come out.

[The Doctor pokes his head out the door and finally steps out.  He walks 
360 degrees around the TARDIS, looking out in every direction, then he
turns and walks in the other direction looking out into the distance.  
Finally, he calls into the TARDIS.]

DOCTOR:        Ok, every thing seems to be clear out here.

[Leela, Adric, and Romana step out of the TARDIS.]

ROMANA:        You have your key, Doctor?

[The Doctor fumbles around in his long jacket for a bit, and pulls out a large
key shaped device.  He holds it up.]

ROMANA:        [Nods.]  Good.  [She closes the door to the TARDIS.]

LEELA:         No, what do we do, Doctor?

DOCTOR:        Well, since that dreadful Marvin doesn't appear to be about, I
               suppose we could settle down to doing what it is we were setting
               about to do in the first place.

ADRIC:         And what was that?

DOCTOR:        I'm not quite sure, really.  However, all the time travel in
               the vicinity, surely warrants an investigation.  K-9?

K-9:           Yes, Doctor.

DOCTOR:        Access the TARDIS computers.  Where is the United States Jet
               Testing Range in relation to where we are?

K-9:           Approximately 3.56 miles to the northwest, Doctor.

DOCTOR:        Good, come along then.

[They all head off for the testing range, and their appointment with Destiny.
Fade to black.]

[Scene 55.  Interior Shot.  The Command Deck of the new, improved Dreck Star.
Various Imperial Officers walk around giving orders to Imperial Soldiers who
are all wearing that goofy looking helmet.  You know the one, it looks like
a racing bikers helmet, but it's more symmetrical, and it's sideways, and it's
a deep, glossy black.  One General walks up to Karth Gator who is, of course,
striking a dramatic pose.]

GENERAL:       Lord Gator, we have a small ship approaching us, about the
               size of three TIE-Fighters.

GATOR:         Is it a new rebel ship?

GENERAL:       Unknown, there is no beacon, and it is unlike any ships we
               have ever encountered before.

GATOR:         Show me.

[Gator and the General walk over to one of the control consoles.  The General
taps the soldier manning the station on the shoulder and relieves him.  Then,
the General sits down and begins entering commands.  Soon the viewscreen at
the station shows an exterior shot of space with a Romulan Bird of Prey

GATOR:         That is unusual.  What else have you to report?

GENERAL:       Nothing, Lord... [He is interrupted by a beeping alarm at the
               station he is sitting at.  He immediately turns and begins 
               adjusting controls.]

GATOR:         What is it?

GENERAL:       The ship, it has started emitting energy waves of some kind.

[Lord Gator leans over the General to look more closely at the ship.]

GATOR:         Could it be part of a defense force from the third planet?

GENERAL:       Impossible.  Our advanced scouts reported that this planet was
               completely without a space fleet of any use.  They haven't even
               reached their own moon yet.

GATOR:         Then what is that ship doing?

[Center on Gator's face, then cut to...

Interior Shot.  Bridge of the Romulan War Bird.  Commander Sateen and
Sub-Commander Tanalak are at their usual stations.  The Sub-Commander 
rises from his chair and stalks over to the communications station.]

TANALAK:       What is taking so long?

COMM. OFFICER: I don't know sir.  We've been broadcasting on sub-space
               signals since we left Earth orbit, but they still haven't
               responded.  Perhaps there is a problem with their communication

TANALAK:       There's forty ships in that fleet!  Are you trying to tell me
               that every receiver on every one of those ships is broken!?

COMM. OFFICER: It was just a theory.  Still, they haven't responded yet.

SATEEN:        The Enterprise isn't going to let us try this forever.
               Eventually, Kirk will be on our tails, and then we're 
               in real trouble.  This has to work.

TANALAK:       We're broadcasting messages on all channels and still nothing.
               I think it's hopeless.

[An alarm klaxon goes off]

DECK OFFICER:  The Enterprise is approaching, coming in range.

SATEEN:        It's too late.  Come about, prepare for battle.

[Tanalak returns to his seat, while officers rush around preparing for what
will probably be the last battle of their lives.]

DECK OFFICER:  Commander!  The engines are not responding.

SATEEN:        [Clicks on a communicator panel.]  Engineer, what is happening
               down there!

ENG. CMDR:     I dinna ken, Commander!  The engines, they're givin' it all
               they got, but something is pulling us in de other direction!

SATEEN:        Thank you, Engineer, Bridge out.

TANALAK:       What are we going to do?  The Enterprise is on it's way.

SATEEN:        Nothing.  We have already achieved what we want.  The only
               force that could be pulling at us, has to be a tractor beam
               from the approaching fleet.  We've made contact.  The 
               Enterprise isn't going to fight them for us.

[Scene change to Bridge of the Dreck Star.]

GATOR:         Put them in Bay #4, I want to have a talk with them personally.

GENERAL:       [Standing once again]  Yes, Lord Gator.

[Karth turns and stalks out of the room.]

[Scene 56.  Interior Shot.  The kitchen of a farmhouse.  Outside the window
over the washbasin, we can see that the house is in the middle of a prairie
out in the midst of nowhere.  Off to one side, if looked at from the proper
angle out the window, can be seen a large barn, three railroad cars in length,
with lightning rods, weather vanes, and other odd looking equipment stacked on
the roof.

Inside, two young boys sit at the kitchen table.  One is reading from an 
oversized, leather-bound, book.  The cover reads "De revolutionibus orbium
caelestium -- Nicolaus Copernicus."  The other is eating from what appears
to be a bowl of corn flakes.  The one eating the corn flakes is obviously
the younger of the two.  His feet do not reach the ground and he swings them
about underneath the table.  Sitting below this boy is a scruffy dog.

Working at the kitchen counter is a black-haired woman in her late 30's/early
40's.  She moves about the room, deftly stepping over the dog when he gets
underfoot and putting plates on the table, getting things ready for breakfast.
She walks by a picture frame that appears to have a newspaper in it.  The
camera stays on the frame, and suddenly the woman moves back into view.  She
gasps and grabs the picture off the wall.]

CLARA:         Jules!  Verne!  Come here!

[The two boys get up from the table and run over.]

JULES:         What is it, Mother?

CLARA:         Boys, take this out to the barn.  Your father will want to 
               see it.

BOTH BOYS:     Yes, mother.

[Jules grabs the picture frame and runs out the front door.  Verne is right
behind him.]

CLARA:         Great Scott!

[Scene Change.  Interior Shot.  The interior of a large barn.  Sitting in
the middle of the barn is a Plymouth Volare.  'Doc' Emmett Brown is pacing
around the car, studying it from every angle.  Staying largely out of his 
way are Marty McFly and Spin Tannen.  Suddenly, the front doors burst open
and Jules and Verne come in.]

BOYS:          Papa!  Look!

DOC:           Boys!  Shut that door, that door must always remain closed!

[Verne goes and carefully shuts the door.]

DOC:           Now, what's the problem?

JULES:         [out of breath] Mom said to bring this to you right away.

[He hands Doc the newspaper in a frame.]

DOC:           This is heavy!  Marty, come take a look at this.

[As Marty rushes over to stand by the Doc, the camera focuses in on the
newspaper.  It's a copy of the Hill Valley Gazette, dated July 22, 1969.
The Banner Headline across the top reads 'Final Apollo Rocket Scrapped!'*]

{* Historical note:  July 22, 1969 is a few days after the first moon
landing.  I include this information as a gratuity to my readers, as I spent
several hours looking it up on the net myself.}

MARTY:         Great Scott!  Doc, what does this mean?

DOC:           Marty!  I don't know.  I doubt that the simple recreation of
               my time machine could have caused all this.  Unless, something
               you and Spin did already could have that wide an affect.

MARTY:         No, Doc, we came right here.  I knew there'd be trouble with
               just driving it around.  I thought you might know what to

DOC:           Well then, there's obviously something wrong with the
               space/time continuum.  I keep this and other newspapers around
               to watchdog the future, in case anything like this should

SPIN:          Well, what can we do?

DOC:           We can get in this contraption of yours and see if we can fix
               what once went wrong.

[As he utters that line, the Doc pauses and looks off in the distance.]

MARTY:         Doc, what is it?

DOC:           I don't know, it just seems to me I've heard that line before.
               Well, never mind, we have to go.

SPIN:          Where are we going?

[The Doc pauses as he is getting in the car....]

DOC:           Back to the Future!

[He points off in some random direction, then gets in the car.]

DOC:           Get in!

[Marty and Spin scramble to get in the car.  Doc starts it up and rolls 
down the window.]

DOC:           Jules! Verne! Tell your mother I've gone to 1969, and I should
               be back before dinner!

[With that, he rolls up the window and drives out the back of the barn.  He
accelerates off into the distance, and leaves a double streak of flames
through the field.]

[Scene 57.  Interior Shot.  The office of Oscar Goldman, chief of operations
at OSS.  Sam is sitting behind the desk, with a huge stack of papers on it.
Al is pacing back and forth behind him.]

AL:            Sam, this isn't getting us anywhere.

SAM:           I know, but I have to go through these by hand until Ziggy
               manages to break into the computer.  What's taking him so
               long anyway?

AL:            That, spot of tea thing, remember...

SAM:           Oh yeah, that.  Anyway, these are the files of every MD and PhD
               who works for the government in any way.

AL:            Yes, but we're not even sure these are the people we're
               looking for.

SAM:           You have a better idea?

AL:            No.

SAM:           Good, now look over this one, Dr. Clayton Forrester...

[There's a knock at the door.]

SAM:           Come in.

[The door opens and a blonde bombshell of a secretary walks in.  She sexily
walks to the desk, sits on the edge, crosses her legs, tosses her hair back,
and smiles at Sam.  Al goes into convulsions.]

SECRETARY:     There's someone here to see you, sir, but he doesn't have
               an appointment.

SAM:           Well, who is it?

SECRETARY:     He says his name is Gary Seven, and he brought his secretary
               with him.

AL:            [punching buttons] Checking Sam.....

SAM:           um....

AL:            Um, Ziggy says that he's a private investigator from New York.
               Specializes in touchy cases that involve espionage usually.
               OSS has worked with him a couple of times before.

SAM:           Send him in.

SECRETARY:     Ok.  

[She walks out of the room, Al begins to follow her lecherously, but Sam shoots
him a look, and Al stays behind.  A few moments later, Gary Seven and Roberta
Lincoln walk in.]

SAM:           [Standing up.]  Mr. Seven, have a seat.  What can I do to help

GARY:          Mr. Goldman, there's a problem, and I don't know if you're
               aware of it, but you are definitely in the best position to
               help fix it.

SAM:           What's the problem?

GARY:          Roberta?

[Roberta steps forward with a small cube.  She places it on the desk and 
aligns it slightly.  Then she presses the top of the cube, and steps back.
The cube begins to glow a bright blue, the lights in the room dim, and 
a hologram is displayed into the middle of the room.  Al, walks over to
it amazed.]

AL:            Sam, there's no way anyone in this century has this kind
               of technology.  We don't have it in our century.

[Al walks through the projection and is defocused quite a bit.  It looks
like something is interfering with his pattern.  Sam makes an abortive
gesture, but stops when Al comes out looking fine, but looking around
him in a perplexed way.]

GARY:          Mr. Goldman, I know you don't understand how I've generated
               this, but you'll have to trust me.  [He walks over to the
               hologram.]  This is the Kennedy Space Center at noon 
               today.  [The hologram shows what looks to be an Saturn V
               rocket being removed from it's platform and dismantled.]

SAM:           How...

GARY:          You're wondering how I got this picture.  [He of course 
               is wrong, Sam was wondering how something like the destruc-
               tion of the last Saturn V rocket could happen at this
               critical juncture of the nation's space program, but 
               Gary couldn't possibly have that information.  The real
               Oscar Goldman would have been wondering how Gary got the 
               picture, so it's almost as good.]  Let's just say that I
               have very good resources.

SAM:           [nods.] Ok.

GARY:          Good, the problem here is, that this isn't supposed to be
               what's happening.  This country is supposed to be on the
               verge of it's greatest triumph in spaceflight history so
               far.  Let me show you.

[He nods at Roberta, who touches another face of the cube.  The hologram
changes to show a 3-d enhanced version of Neil Armstrong's first moon

GARY:          I made this tape myself, from files aboard a ship called
               the Enterprise.  They intercepted me on my way here to 
               start my mission.

SAM:           On your way here.  Are they around?  I'd like to talk
               to them.

GARY:          I'm sorry, Mr. Goldman.  You misunderstand.  My mission,
               which I have been carrying out for the past few years has
               been to monitor the people of Earth and keep them from
               destroying themselves too soon.

SAM:           Too soon.

GARY:          Well, not at all, hopefully, but especially not
               before they've had a chance to get out into the
               galaxy and meet the other races that are out there.

SAM:           You mean, you're from another planet?

GARY:          No, I'm from Earth.  A long time ago I was taken from my
               home to another planet 1000's of light years from here.  I was
               trained, and returned to safeguard the Earth from itself.

AL:            This guy's for real, Sam.  I just checked and Ziggy finds 
               conflicting reports about whether the moon landing even 
               happened.  He has found records that indicate that this
               did happen though.

SAM:           How could this happen?

GARY:          I'm not sure, Mr. Goldman.

AL:            Ziggy thinks it's another part of this paradox cross-streams
               multi-solipsism thing.  [He's waving his arms about trying
               to describe it.]  It's getting worse, and things are starting
               to really get messed up.  There's one good thing.

SAM:           What's that?

GARY:          I said I wasn't sure.

AL:            Ziggy's stopped worrying about tea.

SAM:           *sighs*

GARY:          My information shows that the entire space program is being
               scrapped.  There were no signs of this happening at all until 
               a week ago.  I traced the vectors through time that created 
               this mishap and traced them to you.  The question is, why
               haven't you had Steve Austin placed in the bionic man program?
               Why haven't you rebuilt him?

SAM:           But, Mr. Seven, Steve Austin died in a plane crash a week ago
               today.  How could I have put him in the program?

GARY:          What?!  This is impossible!  Mr. Goldman, would it be all right
               with you if I inspected the crash site myself.  

AL:            Let him, Sam, this may be the help we've been looking for.

SAM:           Yes, I can take you there myself right now.

GARY:          Ok, then, let's go.

[Gary, Roberta, and Sam stand up and leave the office.  Al, follows them out, 
walking through the door they close behind them.]

[Scene 58. Interior Shot. The Flight Deck of the Liberator.  Rog Blake is 
sitting in the central couch.]

BLAKE:         Zen, chart me a course through the vineyards, too Nantucket

ZEN:           Charting.  There is an anomaly in the most direct route through
               that path, steer around?

BLAKE:         Is it dangerous?

ZEN:           It could be.

BLAKE:         Well, then, why aren't you steering around it automatically.

ZEN:           You may have wished to investigate that region.  It may have
               been your intention.

BLAKE:         Enter that course then, we'll have a look at it.

ZEN:           Path charted. Rockets firing.

BLAKE:         Thank you, Zen.  [He looks at the computer suspiciously.]

[Blake stands up and walks over to Orac.  He turns the machine on.]

BLAKE:         Orac?

ORAC:          What is it now?

BLAKE:         Have you any idea why Zen is being so helpful all of a sudden?

ORAC:          Simple, I reprogrammed him. I found his unhelpful, condescending
               manner irritating.

BLAKE:         Orac, you shouldn't have done that.

ORAC:          Why ever not?

BLAKE:         You might have damaged him.

ORAC:          I don't see how.  I was extremely careful, and I did have my
               own patterns to draw on as an example.  Was there anything else
               you wanted of me?

BLAKE:         No, I mean, yes.  See what you can find out about this anomaly
               we're approaching, before we get there.

ORAC:          I'll get to work on it, as soon as possible.

BLAKE:         Thank you.

[Blake walks back to the couch to study the starfield in the viewscreen.]

[Scene 59.  Interior Shot.  The boardroom where the members of the World
Crime League have their meetings.  It is empty now, except for the mysterious
leader, who still sits with his back to the camera, stroking a white ball
ball of fur.  There's still nothing on it to distinguish whether it is a cat
or a hamster, or a rabbit.  A black gloved hand reaches out and touches a 
button on the arm of his chair.]

DEEP VOICE:    What is all the commotion out there?

SECRETARY:     How did...?  Um...It seems that some of your associates are
               a bit confused about what you want them to do?

DEEP VOICE:    Send them in.

[The large double doors open and Krang, Lex Luthor, and Zigfried enter.]

DEEP VOICE:    [without turning around] What seems to be the problem 

ZIGFRIED:      Well, first of all, why do you want Maxwell Smart to think
               that you're a muppet!

LUTHOR:        And I'm getting pretty tired of doing all of the UN's
               paperwork and not getting much else done.

KRANG:         And how long do you expect me to just keep watch over that
               deserted patch of desert in New Mexico!

DEEP VOICE:    All will become clear, gentleman.  Mr. Luthor, while the visitor
               I was expecting to visit Mr. Lethbridge-Stewart has already 
               come and gone, we must still keep the general on ice so that
               he cannot warn the Doctor.  Zigfried, you know as well as I 
               do that Agent Smart has a talent for stumbling onto the truth
               no matter what you do to hide it from him.  I'm just going
               to make it a little easier for him, and allow him to follow
               the path to the truth that I have chosen for him.  If he's
               lucky, he won't survive it.

KRANG:         But, what about me?  You promised that I would be able to 
               strike at those accursed turtles.

DEEP VOICE:    At this very moment, your turtle friends are joining forces
               with the enemies of your associates.  The final confrontation
               will take place in that desert, I am giving you an advantage.
               Now, have you brought me the droids?

KRANG:         Just a moment.

[Krang's robot beckons with his right arm.  Be-Bop and Rock Steady move in
escorting R2-D2 and C3-PO.  C3-PO is visibly nervous.]

DEEP VOICE:    Hello, my friendly little droids.  I have an old friend of yours
               waiting to meet you.  Krang, leave them with me.  Luthor get 
               back to the UN and wait for further instructions.  Zigfried, 
               continue to carry out the orders I've set for you.  Expect some
               reinforcements from Dr. Doom's personal army to be arriving
               within the week.

[Krang, Luthor, and Zigfried exit closing the doors behind them.  Deep Voice
holds up a large remote control and points it at another wall.  He presses
a large glowing button, and it slides up, revealing Jabba the Hut sitting
on a movable platform.]

R2-D2:         *beep* *whiirrrrr* *rattle*

C3-PO:         I know, I thought he'd died too.

JABBA:*        Hello again, it is good to have my favorite droids back 
               again.  I missed you.  Ha ha ha ha!

(*Author's Note:  All of Jabba's dialogue is translated from the Hutese that
he speaks.)

C3-PO:         What are you going to do to us?

JABBA:         Put you back to work of course.  This time, that Jedi will
               not defeat me, and I will be assisting my friend in the 
               greater glory of crime.  Ha ha ha ha!

[Fade to black.]

[Scene 60.  Interior Shot.  A convention center.  Everyone is gathered around
a small stage, where Worf and several others are performing.  The stage is
set up to be a mock up of the bridge of the Next Generation Enterprise.
"Captain Picard" is sitting in the command seat.  "Deanna Troi" (played by
a man with a beard in drag), is sitting next to him.  "Data" and "Wesley"
are at Con and Ops respectively.  "Riker" strikes a dramatic pose near the
center, and Worf (no quotes, this is the real McCoy (no not the doctor, the
klingon)) is at the security station.]

"PICARD":      On screen, Mr. Data.

"DATA":        On screen now, sir.

"RIKER":       What the hell is that?

"DATA":        It would appear to be a structure of monolithic size, sir.  
               Sensors read it as a cylindrical solid 1 kilometer in length
               and with a diameter of 300 meters.

"PICARD":      What is it's heading?

"DATA":        It appears to be on a course directly headed for Earth.

WORF:          We are being hailed, sir.  Audio only.

"PICARD":      On speakers.

[Worf presses the button on a tape recorder in front of him, which is hidden
from most of the audience by his console.  The tape recorder emits loud whale

"TROI":        Oh, the pain!

"RIKER":       What is it Deanna?  Doy you sense some emotional conflict in
               these sounds that we mere humans cannot comprehend?

"TROI":        No, I have a killer hangover, and that noise is incredibly
               loud.  And you can stop shouting now.

"PICARD":      Cancel speakers, Worf.

[Worf turns off the tape recorder.]

"DATA":        Captain, the last recorded sighting of this object was 80
               standard years ago, when it headed directly for Earth, and
               nearly destroyed it in the process.

"PICARD":      What happened?

"DATA":        According to Starfleet records, it was looking for humpback
               whales, which had been extinct for nearly two centuries.

"PICARD":      How was disaster averted?

"DATA":        Uncertain, sir.  Some reports state that a Klingon Cruiser
               manned by a Federation Crew went back in time to bring 
               some humpback whales to Earth of their present.  Since then,
               there has been a small population of humpback whales in the 
               San Francisco basin area that is slowly spreading out to the
               rest of the world.

"PICARD":      Thank you, but why would this probe be coming back now.

"DATA":        Unknown.

"PICARD":      Suggestions.

"RIKER":       Recommend we try and communicate, sir.

"DATA":        In the past, communication with this probe proved impossible
               without knowledge of the humpback whales language.  I suggest
               allowing it to run its course, and follow it to determine its

WORF:          Klingon Honor demands that we kill...I mean kill...I want
               to see blood and gore and guts and veins in my teeth, I mean
               kill...kill...kill...I want to burn village women's houses,
               and eat dead babies, I mean kill...kill...[He starts jumping
               up and down]...Kill..Kill...Kill...

[And Wesley starts jumping up and down and shouting with him.]

"WESLEY":      Kill...Kill...Kill...

"PICARD":      That's enough.  Thank you for your suggestion.  Mr. Crusher,
               please return to your station.

"WESLEY":      I'm sorry, sir, it's just that I got so excited and...

"CREW":        Shut up, Wesley!


All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
Copyright 1992 Creative Insights, a subsidiary of Minion Media, International
Distributed April 1992 by Minion Press, a subsidiary of MMI

Speical Thanks for video research go to:
  God's Back Pocket Research Firm, a subsidiary of DeityCo
  "If we can't find it, you don't want it!"

DeityCo et al are subsidiaries of Virtual Enterprises, GmbH
 (Don't worry, we can't pronounce it either.)

All groups mentioned in this .signature are pseudo-real groups that represent
Derek Bacon, and are owned by him.  Ecce Homo Ergo Elk.  The copyright is his.

Comments, Questions, Death Threats, Marraige Proposals to lightnin@sidehack.gweep.net


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