APPLEDUMPLINGS Written by Ryan Mathews Drawn by Rich "The Radman" Anderson [Opening scene (Dunn-style artwork): Asrial lounging in a bean-bag in the Feeple's living room. She's reading a copy of APPLESEED.] ASRIAL (thought) It was nice of Itchy to let me flip through the comics while I wait for her. [A smaller frame and a closer shot, so we can see the title of the comic she's reading.] This planet may be backward, but they certainly have an active imagination. [Asrial's eyes are getting sleepy.] Itchy sure is taking a long time to get ready... [She yawns and falls asleep] [SWITCH TO SHIRO-STYLE ARTWORK] [Doony (Asrial, who looks exactly like Shiro's Deunan with Asrial-ears in her hair) is awoken to the sound of someone shouting:] JEREMIOS (unseen) DOONY! WAKE UP! WE'VE GOT COMPANY!! DOONY [Pulling a huge bazooka from under the bed:] What is it, Jeremios? Terrorist squads? Looting gangs? Jehovah's Witnesses? [View from behind Doony, as she looks, startled, at Jeremios introducing a huge landmate, who is cocking her head and waving in the stereotypical cute Japanese girl "Hi!" gesture. Jeremios looks like Briarios, with Jeremy's face in place of the five eyes.] JEREMIOS No, company! Doony, meet-- DOONY YAAH! [She pulls the trigger and blasts her.] JEREMIOS NO! She's a friend! [Little "Shiro" letters:] Not bad aim, though. You have to learn not to rely on the sight... [The landmate opens to reveal Hiyoko (Hitomi with an Itchy- koo haircut). BTW, Hiyoko is Japanese for "baby chick" and is slang for an annoying little person who talks all the time for no good reason.] HIYOKO Owwie, that hurt! You dinged it all up! JEREMIOS This is Hiyoko! I rescued her from some tanks who were shooting at her. DOONY What are you doing in Yukside? HIYOKO Looking for you, silly! It's my job to find solos like you and take them to... [over a skyview of the city] UTOPIA! Where the livin' is easy, the skies are not cloudy all day, and you can eat all the candy you want and not get a tummyache! [In the little cartoon style, Jeremios comments: "It's only a model..."] [Doony walks through the city, taking it in. A car pulls up and a gorgeous blonde sticks her head out.] FILA Doony Nut? My names Fila, Chief of Staff to Official Bigwig Minvera. Get in. [In the car: Fila delivers her lines absolutely deadpan.] FILA Do you understand why you and that half-cyborg boyfriend of yours were brought to Utopia? DOONY As a plot device? FILA Partly, yes. But it's more complicated than that. LOTS more complicated. In fact it's so damn complicated, even I can't figure it out. I was hoping you'd tell me. DOONY Sorry. FILA We've built the perfect society here, where no one has the slightest need or want. Everyone is perfectly happy. Whoops, incoming suicide! [The car swerves to miss the guy, who splatters on the pavement.] As I was saying, we're all perfectly happy here. But we need people to help maintain our unequalled atmosphere of peace and prosperity. DOONY What do you want me to do? FILA Hunt down people who mess with us and blow them away. DOONY Sounds cool. [Back at their nice new apartment, Doony breaks the good news to Jeremios] DOONY Jeremios, I got a job! JEREMIOS There's something you should know, Doony. Everyone here is artificial! They're all bioroids! DOONY So? JEREMIOS Well, uh, hmm, well, it seemed important at the time... [DING! A bell goes off.] DOONY Oops! Time for my nude scene! See you in a bit! [Tasteful nude shot of Doony as she takes a shower. Doony hears a noise. Cut to Hiyoko, as she takes pictures.] HIYOKO Dang, the lense fogged up. [Doony is suddenly behind her, holding a knife at her throat.] Um, where did you pull that knife from? [Back at the living room. Doony throws the guilty party at Jeremios' feet.] DOONY I caught her spying on us! JEREMIOS What gives? I thought you were our friend? HIYOKO Well, I was. But we Utopian folks change sides every fifteen minutes or so. DOONY Let's kill her. HIYOKO Uh, heh, heh! N-no need for that! Just wait for the next page! I'll be on your side again then, honest! DOONY Wellll... okay. [Tap, tap, tap, twiddle, twiddle, twiddle, wait, wait, wait.] HIYOKO Okay, here's the story! I've been hired to by the Elders to spy on you guys and find out why I brought you to Utopia. DOONY Why didn't they just ask you? HIYOKO Cuz I don't know. JEREMIOS Then why didn't you ask the person who told you to do it? HIYOKO I did. She didn't know either. DOONY Doesn't anybody here know anything?! HIYOKO [brightly] Sure! We all know more than we let on! That's how we keep the readers interested! JEREMIOS Take us to these Elders. [The chamber of the Elders, who all look like Professor Steamhead, save for the interface plugs in their heads.] ELDER 1 Aah, Doony, Jeremios, Hiyoko. ELDER 2 We've been expecting you. DOONY I just want to know one thing. What, exactly, is going on in Utopia? HIYOKO No! Don't ask them that! Not "exactly"! [The following socio-babble is not meant to be reproduced verbatim. Instead, use it as a balloon that's behind the main characters, so they obscure some of the words. Likewise with future balloons of this type.] ELDER 1 Utopia is a grand experiment in humanity. The problems of humanity are caused by humanity, so we've always assumed they can be solved by humanity. However, it seems that in order to solve those problems, humanity itself must be changed. But if we change the very nature of humanity, then we run the risk of destroying the very thing we set out to save... HIYOKO Now you've done it. We're gonna be here for hours! [Next frame: Doony checking her watch.] UNSEEN ELDER Blah blah blah humanity blah blah society blah blah blah blah history blah blah steam blah blah bioroids blah... [Next frame: Doony, Jeremios, and Hiyoko getting sleepy.] UNSEEN ELDER Blah blah tools blah societal mores blah blah blah sex blah blah blah blah drugs blah rock-n-roll blah blah steam blah blah... [Next frame: Everyone asleep.] UNSEEN ELDER Blah blah blah blah evolution blah intelligence blah blah politics blah blah cyberpunk blah blah steam blah blah blah destruction of reality blah-- DOONY [suddenly awake] Whoa! What was that last bit again? ELDER 1 I said, the addition of you two to Utopia has complicated the storyline too much. I'm afraid we're going to have to erase everything and start over. DOONY You can do that? ELDER 2 Sure! Hiyoko there is a key. We just put her into that "H" block over there, and once it has verified her identity, poof! HIYOKO But you're not actually gonna do that, are you? [A robot that looks a little like Arnie picks her up and carries her toward the "H" block.] Hey! Stop it! Knock it off! JEREMIOS Think we should stop them? DOONY I dunno. They're right, the world is too violent. Maybe a change is what we need. [Inside the "H" block, mechanical hands grope all over Hiyoko's body.] HIYOKO EEK! Quit that! You perv! [A note is drawn in an "arrow box" that overlaps the frame and points at the action: "See, this is why it's called an "H" block! Get it? "H"?"] HIYOKO Argh! I can't take it anymore! I am not an airhead! I AM A NINJA! [Hiyoko strains and turns into Itchy, her school dress bursting out of Hiyoko's clothes. She whips out her sword.] Die, evil hentai machine! [SLICE!] DOONY Oh, what the hell! This is what people buy this book for anyway! [Doony and Briarios whip out weapons and go to town, taking out Arnos first.] ELDER Retaliate! [The next few frames are of increasingly cluttered battle, eventually using everything we've ever seen used in APPLESEED: robot gun platforms, mirrors, bioroids with nasty claws, missles, helicopters, landmates, you name it. [Finally, the three heroes, Doony, Jeremios, and Itchy are standing on top of a mountain of slain or destroyed ememies, while Utopia lies behind them, a blasted wasteland.] DOONY We did it! We saved paradise! JEREMIOS And made a convincing point about humanity's right to choose it's own destiny in the process! All in all, not a bad afternoon. [Doony gets close to her boyfriend, to kiss him.] DOONY Oh, Jeremi-- [Sound-effect panel: CLOB! (with stars)] [BACK TO DUNN-STYLE ARTWORK] [Next panel: Asrial rubs her head as a furious Itchy holds a wooden hammer.] ASRIAL Ow! What was that for?! ITCHY For saying Jeremy's name in your sleep! ASRIAL Oh, come on, Itchy! How many times do I have to tell you: I'm not gonna try to take Jeremy away from you! [aside to readers:] But I can dream, can't I?