THE DIRTY PAIR in "Big Bang" by Ryan Mathews introducing Daved, THE UNIVERSAL PART 2 Our story so far: Daved, one of a large organization of inter- universal time-travellers, is dispatched to the planet Lenorica in the Dirty Pair's universe to prevent an unknown event which is going to cause the universe to explode. Kei and Yuri are also on Lenorica, working for John Ackerman, Director of Security for Taukai, the planet's largest city. Their assignment is to break in to a large, supposedly abandoned research complex, filled with dangerous security devices, and retrieve some computer files. Daved, aware of the girls' reputation for destruction, decides that the key to solving his case lies with that of the Lovely Angels. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- [Cut to view of a steel plate. The voices of Kei and Yuri can be heard from behind the plate. An odd shaped pattern is being cut out of the plate.] YURI Almost there. KEI What kind of a job is this, anyway? We aren't even allowed to shoot at anybody! YURI There isn't anyone *to* shoot at, Kei. Just security devices. Got it! KEI That's my point! BO-RING! [The piece of plate is removed and Kei and Yuri peer down a shiny, featureless corridor.] YURI Nice empty hallway. No offices, no doors... KEI Mousetrap? [Yuri fishes in the side of her top and pulls out a coin. She tosses it inside. A laser comes from the wall and hits the coin mid-flight. It lands with a hole drilled right through its center.] YURI Well, the motion sensors work fine. KEI Yeah, but I don't think there's pressure sensors. Nothing happened when the coin hit the floor. YURI Maybe it didn't weigh enough. KEI Hmm. Maybe. Gimme your boot. YURI What?! KEI C'mon! [Yuri takes off her left boot and hands it to Kei. She hefts it, then throws it at the floor, hard. Multiple lasers shred the top of the boot midflight, but no reaction seems to occur upon impact.] YURI HEY! MY BOOT! KEI Nope! No pressure sensors. That would've set them off. YURI Why didn't you use your own boot?! KEI Because it was my idea, and besides, this is my last good pair. C'mon, toss in a fog pellet! YURI You owe me one, Kei! [Yuri pulls a shiny pellet from a belt pouch and throws it in. When the laser hits it, it explodes into a thick white fog. The Angels run into the corridor. Kei emerges from the fog at the end of the corridor first, at an intersection.] KEI Hurry it up, Yuri! What's keeping you! [Yuri emerges limping and carrying one boot.] YURI What the hell do you *think* is keeping me? [Puts on the boot] Seems you were right about about that hallway being a mousetrap. Looks pretty safe over here. KEI Yeah. Wonder why they'd have motion sensors, but no pressure sensors, though? [Cut to security control room. A lone, young, very smug-looking man is watching everything on viewscreens.] MAN Because I turned them off, you silly little ditzes. Now keep moving. So far, you're right on schedule. [We see his view of the Pair on a screen. On the left is the fog.] YURI Which way? KEI Mmmm--this way! [They move right.] MAN [Off-screen] Wrong! [We see his hand push a button, and glowing vertical and horizontal bars slide across, blocking the Angels' way.] KEI Maybe not. How about this way? [They move back.] MAN [Off-screen] Wrong again! Care to try for three? [He pushes another button and similar bars again block the girls' path.] YURI [annoyed] Gee, Yuri, you get the feeling we're being played with? KEI *Something* funny's going on, that's for sure! [Cut to view of the man's face.] MAN (laughs) Oh, but the real fun is yet to come! Hmm. Better deactivate--no. On second thought, I'll leave it on. It should prove amusing to see how they react. [Cut to the Angels, walking down another corridor. They look in the window of each room as they pass.] KEI Any luck? YURI None. For a large corporation, they sure seem short on computer terminals. [A small black ball pops out of the wall and hovers toward Yuri.] KEI Huh? Yuri, LOOK OUT! [Kei draws and fires. The ball dodges and the shot makes a hole in the wall. It then whirls and shoots at Kei, grazing her shoulder.] OW! [Yuri draws and fires. The ball dodges and fires at Yuri, grazing her hair.] YURI My HAIR! ERRARRRGH! [Yuri fires rapid shots, driving the ball towards Kei, who nails it.] Oh, my hair! Look what it did to my hair! [Kei rubs her shoulder, then picks up the ball and examines it.] KEI Well, that was exciting! Hope there aren't any more of these. [About twenty more balls pop out and advance.] Oh, me and my big mouth! [The girls lay into them with their guns. The balls swerve and dodge, but have less room to do so, so the girls destroy a few. The balls fire only occassionally, instead trying to surround them and force them into the wall. In the security room, the man laughs.] MAN Oh, this is just too much! [Cut back to the action. The Angels are losing the fight. The balls have them half-surrounded and are forcing them into the wall.] KEI Agile little bastards, aren't they? YURI Desperate times call for desperate measures! [She reaches into her top and pulls out the Bloody Card.] KEI Huh? Yuri, believe me, we aren't *that* desperate! [Yuri throws the Card. It misses all the balls, flies down the corridor, turns a corner and disappears.] YURI I don't BELIEVE it! That's not fair! [Cut to security room.] MAN You're right, Yuri. I should be ashamed of myself. [He pushes a button. Back at the action, half the remaining balls fall the to ground, dead.] KEI & YURI HUH?! [The girls begin focusing their fire on each ball from right to left. They quickly take out all but one ball, which retreats and then unleashes a volley which forces the Angels to the ground. The ball then hovers, as if daring them to make a move.] KEI This one's a bit meaner than the others. YURI Maybe he misses his friends. KEI On three, I'm gonna jump up and challenge it from the side. You be ready to fire from here. YURI Got it. KEI One... two... THREE! [Kei jumps up to fire, but something else has the ball's attention.] YURI Kei, get DOWN! [Yuri tackles Kei as the Bloody Card comes whizzing by and slices the ball in half. It then goes down the corridor and turns the same corner.] YURI [getting up] It *is* guaranteed to come back to me. KEI [getting up] Well, (pant) maybe we should get the hell out of here before it does again! YURI What?! No way! I'm not gonna lose it! We can afford to wait a couple of minutes! [Cut to security room] MAN Oh, please let's not! Waiting is so boring! [Cut to his screen which shows Kei and Yuri.] KEI Okay, how 'bout a compromise? We continue searching in the direction the Card went. Then we'll still be in its path and you can catch it the next time around. MAN [off-screen] Sounds great to me. How about you, Yuri? YURI Okay. MAN [off-screen] Ooooh, swell! KEI Wait. [They both stop.] Yuri, you ever get the feeling that you're...being...WATCHED?! [She wheels and fires at the camera. The picture goes static. The man is not amused.] MAN You are just NO fun at all! I hope you don't think this changes anything. I can still tell where you are from the pressure sensors you think don't exist! [The man pushes a button and a floor plan appears on a screen, with two blips close together and a third blip farther back.] *Three* blips?! [The third blip disappears.] Damn it! I have to get this equipment checked. Oh! Almost missed my cue! [He pushes a button. Cut to Kei and Yuri, who have reached an intersection. Suddenly a steel plate slides in front of them, blocking the forward path.] KEI God-dammit! If it's not one thing it's anoth-- [SPAK! The Bloody Card slams into the plate, a few centimeters from Kei's ear.] ...er... [Kei slumps to the floor.] YURI Oh! [pries the Card loose] Oh, my precious, I was so afraid I'd lose you!! (kiss, kiss!) [Three more plates slide up, enclosing the Pair. The section of floor on which they are standing begins to move downward.] Huh? Hey, Kei, we're moving! KEI [distantly] I almost lost an ear... YURI C'mon, Kei, snap out of it! KEI How can I wear my earrings with just one ear? YURI C'mon, Kei, don't make me kick you. KEI Oh...where are we? YURI I wish I knew. Somewhere underneath where we were. [The moving floor comes to rest at the bottom of the shaft. The Angels step off into a room that is pitch black.] YURI Well, this is just great. Do you have a light? KEI Yeah, hold on a sec. Quit pushing me, Yuri, I'm getting the damn light! YURI I'm not pushing you, I'm over here! HEY! [Kei activates a hand-light and reveals several waist-high robots resembling inverted garbage cans, gliding along the floor. They bump into the girls, herding them away from the elevator. Kei drops the light and goes for her gun, only to discover it isn't there.] KEI Oh, NO! One of them must have pinched my gun! [Yuri draws and turns to fire on one of the robots, only to have two others knock her to the floor. The gun is knocked out of her hand by the impact. A robot glides over it and makes a sucking noise. The gun disappears. Another robot does the same trick with the light and the scene goes dark again.] KEI NOW what do we do? YURI I guess we cooperate. KEI I hate cooperating. [The robots lead the Angels into a large room that lights up as they enter. Two huge twin machines are leaning against the wall.] KEI & YURI Oooh. [At the robot's urging, the girls move closer to the devices. Doors open to reveal chambers clearly meant to receive a human body. Kei and Yuri's eyes widen. They look at each other and nod slowly. Then they turn to the robots as if to stage their last stand. Suddenly, tentacle-cables shoot out of one of the machines and wrap themselves around Kei's arm and legs. She is drawn struggling into the device.] KEI YURIIII! [Yuri moves to help Kei, but is kept off-balance by the robots which keep bumping into her.] YURI Kei! Oof! You son-of-a-bitch! Let me help her! [She pulls a fog-pellet out of her pouch.] So you like to suck things up, huh? Suck this!! [She drops the pellet on the ground. A robot moves over it and sucks it up. With a BOOMF!, the pellet explodes and thick white smoke pours out the bottom of the robot and out of every seam. The robot squeals and begins to spin madly about the room, knocking other robots over and confusing the rest, as well as spraying fog all over the place. Meanwhile, Kei, as can be seen through a window on the device, is having every inch of her body scanned by energy beams. She is screaming for help, but can't be heard. A matching set of tentacle-cables wraps itself around Yuri and begins to lift her into the other machine, but she gets her right arm free and pulls out the Bloody Card. She uses it to slash through the other cables. She then forces the exterior lock on Kei's device and helps her out.] YURI Let's get the hell out of this place! KEI You'll get no argument from me! [she touches an earring] Mughi! Bring the Lovely Angel to the pickup point, NOW! [They run out of the room. Cut to security room.] MAN (sigh) Oh, well. I guess I shouldn't have bothered to hope that it would go off without a single hitch. It's just that live scans are so much more accurate. [He leans forward and speaks into a microphone.] Security droids A5 through A17, switch to lethal mode. [Kei and Yuri have arrived at the elevator. The light in the room at the end of the hallway is still on, dimly lighting the scene.] KEI How do you make this thing go *up*? YURI You can't! At least not from here. This is a security trap. I think you'd have to reset it from a main control area. KEI Then we're *stuck*?! YURI Of course not! If I can just find the control box, I think I can twiddle some wires and fool the thing into thinking it's at the top of its run instead of at the bottom. There it is! KEI Then why didn't you just say so, instead of scaring me?! YURI 'Cuz I like to prove you underestimate me! [winks at Kei] KEI Ha, ha. [notices something] Hey, Yuri, our robot friends are back and they look meaner this time! [The robots now have what appears to be lasers protruding in all directions about their rims. One fires a volley at the girls, who dive for cover behind the elevator platform.] YURI Great! And we're unarmed! KEI You fix the elevator. I'll handle the tin cans! [Yuri gets to work. Kei agilely moves toward one robot. With a sudden move, she slides toward it like a baseball player. The robot fires but misses over her head and Kei knocks it over. She then picks it up and uses it to block shots from other robots. A whirring noise is heard and the elevator starts up.] YURI Kei! I got it! Hurry up! [Kei rolls her robot toward the others, knocking them over like bowling pins, then hurries toward the elevator. Yuri helps her onto the platform, which travels back into the shaft.] YURI You know, I just thought of something. When we get to the top, we're still going to be surrounded by steel plates, and we don't have our lasers. KEI Yeah... Well, we'll think of something. Maybe we can get through the ceiling. YURI Yeah. Yeah, we'll think of something. [Back in the security room, the man looks bored.] MAN Girls, girls. This is getting tiresome. All I have to do once you reach the top is hit the reset switch and you'll go straight down again. Use my droids to wipe you out before you can leave the platform, and that's all she wrote. Or... The chamber you're arriving in is airtight... I guess I could just let you suffocate. (sigh) How dull. And this was such a fun game. Hmm. Kei took out the camera there, I'll have to go back to the pressure diagram. [He pushes a button and a floor diagram appears. Two blips appear at an intersection.] There you are. [The blips move into a corridor.] WHAT??!! Gotta be some camera somewhere that will give me a view!! [He pushes button after button. Countless views flash by on the screen. Finally one view appears which shows the Angels in the distance. A huge hole has been cut through the steel plate behind them.] That's IMPOSSIBLE!!!! How can--? Who--? That isn't possible!! [Cut to Kei and Yuri.] YURI What do think did this? KEI [examining the hole] Beats me. Doesn't look burned, just... cut. YURI Through three inches of steel?! KEI Well, it's on our side, whatever it is. YURI Now, why doesn't that fill me with comfort? [They start back the way they came. Cut to security room.] MAN Gotta do something! Can't just let 'em go! Wait--! I got it! They don't know about the pressure sensors in the mousetrap corridor! And they have to go back that way! Oh, thank the Allfather! [He hits some buttons.] I just hope there will be enough left of them to scan. [Cut back to the Angels.] YURI It sure is quiet. Relatively speaking, I mean. KEI Shut up! You're going to jinx us! [Kei reaches the mousetrap first.] YURI Hold up! I think I've got another fog pellet! KEI Don't bother! YURI Huh? [The two girls look down the corridor. The laser-emitting walls on both sides have been slashed to ribbons.] KEI It looks like our mysterious benefactor has struck again! YURI At the risk of sounding cliched, let's not look a gift horse in the mouth! [They run down the corridor and go through the hole they had cut in the steel plate over the window. Outside the building, they wait on a ledge as the Lovely Angel hovers down to pick them up. Cut to security room.] MAN No, no, no, no, no, no! He's gonna kill me! Oh, Father, he's gonna kill me! --------------------------------------------------------------------- Next: Kei thinks Ackerman set them up. The Angels attempt to confront the man, but have to content themselves with chasing one of his aides. Daved strikes again.