THE DIRTY PAIR in "Big Bang" by Ryan Mathews introducing Daved, THE UNIVERSAL PART 4 Our story so far: Daved, an inter-universal time-traveller, is dispatched to the planet Lenorica in the Pair's universe to somehow prevent the universe from exploding. The Lovely Angels are also on Lenorica, and Daved feels they may have something to do with it. The Angels' job had been to break into a supposedly abandoned research complex, but once inside, they found themselves expected and were forced by various security devices into a room which contained two large machines, one of which captured and scanned Kei. After escaping from the building (secretly helped by Daved), they attempt to confront Ackerman, the man who gave them the assignment, but find him gone. The Angels find his aide, Jacob, who leads them on an aircar chase that results in the destruction of a shopping mall. The chase ends when Daved uses his Sword to stun Jacob. Unfortunately, Jacob commits suicide once in custody. Furious, Kei decides to capture Daved. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- [Cut to the control room of Daved's time-ship, the MUTT. On the main screen can be seen, barely, a picture of the Lovely Angel with Kei and Yuri exiting. The reception is horrible, due to the tachyon interference, and is noticeably getting worse. Daved fiddles with controls, attempting to improve the picture, but has no luck.] DAVED Phooie! I guess I'm going to have to do this the old-fashioned way. [He hits a control and leaves the control room. Cut to parking area of the spaceport. The MUTT fades in and Daved steps out. He closes the door, hits a control on his wristwatch and the MUTT disappears again. He then starts after Kei and Yuri, who have left the spaceport and are standing at the curb of a road.] KEI TAXI! [A taxi stops and Kei gets in.] You coming? [Yuri reluctantly gets in beside her.] Driver, is there a night club district in Taukai? DRIVER Sure there is. Ya wanna go there? KEI Yes, please! [The cab takes off.] YURI Night clubs, Kei? KEI The sun's going down, Yuri! I thought I'd check out the nightlife! [She winks at Yuri, who shudders. Cut to Daved, watching the car fly away.] DAVED This is going to be tricky. [He looks at the car, makes a mental estimate, turns some controls on his watch and hits a button. He vanishes and reappears in front of the car. He waits until the car has flown over, then repeats the process. In this manner, he follows the car to the night-club district. Cut to Kei and Yuri, walking down one road in the district, lined with lighted signs on both sides. Clientele of various class roam the streets. Kei examines each night club in turn as she walks by.] KEI Hmm. Nope. Too respectable. YURI Kei, if you'll just explain what you're up to, I'm sure I could help. KEI Ooh! This one looks promising! [The "nightclub" has no lighted sign, just a weatherbeaten wooden one which reads "The Slam N' Jam". Kei ducks into an alley beside the club and takes off her shoulder holster.] YURI What the hell are you doing?! KEI What I have in mind won't work if they can see we're packing. If you're in, you gotta take off yours too! YURI You're crazy Kei. You've finally flipped. And I must've flipped too, 'cuz I'm going along with it. [Yuri takes off her holster. The girls hide the firearms under a trashbin. They enter the club. It is filled with smoke and ugly people. A sleazy-looking thrash band wails on the stage.] Okay. I'm in. Now will you fill me in on the plan? KEI Our guardian angel seems to show up whenever we're in trouble, right? YURI Yeah? KEI So, I'm going to stir up some trouble! YURI *That's* the plan? KEI You got it! YURI Ohmigod... [Kei leaves Yuri and slinks up to the bar, attracting attention like a magnet. The bartender walks over.] BARTENDER What'll it be, miss? KEI [in a sultry voice] Oh, I don't know. I'm kinda looking for something tall...dark...and *hard*. [The eyes of every man in the club lock on Kei. The bartender starts to sweat. So does Yuri.] Scotch on the rocks will be fine. [The bartender serves her a scotch and she knocks it back. A huge, scarred man with half of one ear missing lumbers over.] SCARS I hear you're looking for a man. [Kei turns to him and runs a finger down his chest.] KEI Mmm. You wouldn't happen to know where I can find one, would you? SCARS Heh heh. [He reaches for her, but she pulls back.] KEI Watch where you touch, naughty boy, you might get burned. Besides... [She wraps herself around the arm of a tatooed body-builder, who smiles.] ...I think I like him better! SCARS Wha--?! BODY Tough luck, asshole! SCARS Why, you son of a--!! [The scarred man punches the body builder square in the face and a fight breaks out. As bar fights usually do (at least in the movies), this one soon spreads to other combatants, as punches go wild and strike other drunken hotheads. Soon, chairs are flying and bottles are breaking as a full quarter of the bar is involved in a free-for-all. Kei looks at Yuri, who is sweating bullets, and gives "thumbs up". She then aggravates the situation by tripping a man walking by, who spills his beer all over two others and another fight breaks out. A combatant bumps into Yuri and whirls around, angrily.] YURI Oh! I'm sorry! FIGHTER Shut up, bimbo! YURI BIMBO?!! [She knees him in the groin and he collapses, groaning. Daved walks in the door and takes in what's happening.] DAVED That's why they came down here? Just to start a fight? [He starts to laugh. An angry combatant spins around.] COMBATANT What the hell *you* laughin' at, jerk? [Daved ignores him. The man unleashes a haymaker. Casually, Daved ducks, and the man slugs someone behind him, starting yet another scuffle. Shaking his head and still laughing, he turns to leave. Yuri notices him.] YURI Hey! Kei! Kei, it's him! KEI Where?! YURI He just walked out! [The girls run through the crowd, pausing only to sock someone who gets in their way. Cut to the outside wall of the club. Daved sits against the wall next to the entrance and talks to himself.] DAVED Well, Daved, you really screwed it up this time. "Top Traveller"! HA! I spent how much time tracking them, assisting them, and for what? They don't have the slightest idea what's going on! [In the background we see the Angels run out of the club and into the alley to retrieve their guns.] I better come up with something soon. I've got what? [checks watch] About twelve hours before the universe explodes. God. What if the interference gets so bad I can't leave? I'll have to navigate manually... Ohh, boy. What a louse-up. [Kei approaches from behind and jabs her gun into his back.] KEI Get up! DAVED [standing up] And now they're holding guns on me. This has been the lousiest day of my career. [He moves to press a button on his watch.] KEI *Don't* move, or you're gonna see what your entrails look like!! YURI I'll take this. [She removes his watch.] I have a feeling it's some kind of teleportation device. DAVED It is. *Please* don't press any buttons. YURI And this. [She removes the Sword from his belt.] This could be what he used to take down Jacob. DAVED Clever girl. KEI Shut up and march! DAVED I don't believe this is happening. [Cut to interior of Lovely Angel. Kei, Yuri, Mughi, and Daved are all present. Daved is sitting in a chair, guarded by Mughi.] KEI I don't believe this is happening. DAVED Is it any less believable than you starting a fight in a seedy bar just to catch me? KEI Hey, it worked, didn't it? DAVED Guess I can't argue with that. YURI Let's go through this one more time. You're a time-traveller. DAVED Sort of. YURI Sort of? DAVED Well, I travel in more than just time. It's not important right now. Yes, I'm a time-traveller! YURI And the whole universe is about to explode? DAVED In ten hours, yes. YURI Why? DAVED I don't *know* why! That's what I have to find out! I have to find out what's going to cause the explosion and then I have to prevent it. When I saw you two were on Lenorica, I figured you might have something to do with it. You do have a reputation for blowing things up. YURI So that's why you've been "helping out", because you think we're going to destroy the universe? KEI Yuri, why are you bothering to ask this wacko questions? DAVED Actually, I rather believe you two will die trying to save the universe. KEI Twice in one day! We risk our necks to catch some information, and both times we end up with a nut spouting gibberish! DAVED I knew I should've thought up a lie... YURI So before you so graciously decided to help us, we were, like, destined to die in the Thornheart complex? DAVED No, *you* were going to cut through the ceiling with that card of yours. You would have made it just before the chamber ran out of air. A long chain of events followed that ended in the destruction of a good part of the complex, and you coming up empty-handed. KEI [sarcastically] Oh, unlike now, when we've got *loads* of information! YURI And if you hadn't stunned Jacob with that thing of yours, I suppose he would've gotten away? DAVED No, he would've run into that section of balcony that collapsed and been killed. KEI He's dead anyway!! DAVED Hey, I didn't know he had poison on him! YURI [stunned] How did you know he died that way?! KEI [incredulous] My god. He bugged the Lovely Angel. You son of a bitch. Who do you work for?! DAVED I already told you that, and I didn't bug anything! YURI [moving closer, getting threatening] Then how do you know how Jacob died? His body's still on the ship. No one even knows he's dead! DAVED My...my ship has a...device that allows me to see... How the hell do I put this? Without actually landing in three-dimensional space, I can see what is occurring around the area my ship would occupy if it actually did land. [Kei and Yuri don't get it.] It's not easy to explain. KEI [throws up her hands] I give up. DAVED If you don't believe me, then how do you explain how I've always been there at the right time? KEI Because you've been following us around like a goddamn pervert! DAVED I wasn't following you when I nailed Jacob. I was waiting for you. KEI That...that was dumb luck! DAVED Ah. KEI Time travel is impossible! Any idiot knows that! You would create paradoxes! So you're either a loony or a really bad liar! DAVED I really don't have time to teach a course in realtime mechanics. YURI And you couldn't have come from the future. You just said we don't have one! KEI Yeah, answer that! DAVED I'm not *from* your future. I'm not from your past, either. I'm from a completely different reality altogether! KEI You're telling *me*! DAVED Look, if you let me get to my ship, I can prove everything. YURI Where is it? DAVED I'll need my controller. YURI Your what? DAVED My wristwatch. I need it to call my MUTT. YURI What does your dog have to do with anything? DAVED MUTT stands for Multi-Universal Temporal Transporter. It's my ship. I left it in another dimension and I need the controller to call it back. KEI [sarcastically] Ohhhh! He left it in another *dimension*! YURI I don't think so, Mr. Time-Traveller. I give you this watch, you're just as likely to push a button and leave us, and we're not ready to say goodbye just yet. KEI Okay. Okay, we go back into the Thornheart complex. But this time none of this "breaking-and-entering" shit! This time we go in armed to the teeth and we don't try to be subtle! YURI What? Kei, can't we just get the hell out of here? I've really had enough for one day! KEI I promise that if we come up empty-handed, I won't object to leaving. Deal? [pause] YURI Deal. [They start to leave the room. Daved stands up.] DAVED I'll come with you. YURI The hell you will. Mughi, watch him. [The Angels leave.] MUGHI Grrrrrrrr... [Daved sits back down.] DAVED Heh heh. Nice kitty! [calls after the girls] Don't be long! The universe will be exploding soon! [Cut to an aerial view of the Thornheart complex. It is the middle of the night. The Lovely Angel hovers to a stop about ten meters above the roof of the main building. Deploying a powerful cutting laser from its belly, it slices a large hole through the roof. Sirens go off and anti-aircraft guns automatically deploy on the roof. The Lovely Angel's laser cannons destroy them before they can get a shot off. It then lands several meters from the hole. The hatch opens, and out fly Kei and Yuri, wearing battle-harnesses, half suits of armor with a jet pack and air supply. They fly down through the hole. As they land on the floor below, scores of hovering balls, of the type encountered before, pop out of the walls and advance. Kei hits a switch on her harness and a compartment opens on her right side, revealing twenty compact seeker-missles. They all launch, hitting targets. The explosions knockout the remaining balls and the girls fly down the hall.] YURI My sensors are picking up some pretty heavy activity from the floor below this one! KEI Then that's where we're going! [The Pair unsling mammoth pulse rifles from their backs and begin blasting the floor. Moments later, they are through and fly down to the next level, only to find themselves surrounded by security droids of every conceivable shape and size.] WHOA! Heavy activity all right! [Kei lays into the droid army with her pulse rifle, mowing them down. Yuri activates the seeker missles on her harness and takes out still more. The girls take their share of hits, but these droids were not designed to fight armored enemies and they barely slow the Angels down. The Pair turn a corner and are confronted by several of what appear to be tiny automated tanks. The tanks are only slightly damaged by the pulse rifles and a shot from the cannon of one knocks Kei back. She turns her rifle over and it becomes a grenade launcher. She destroys one tank. Two others gang up on Yuri and severely damage her harness before she destroys them with her grenade launcher. She falls to the ground and alarms go off on her harness.] YURI Oh, NO! My suit! It's going to overload! [Yuri drops her rifle and frantically undoes the catches on her harness as Kei continues to battle the tanks. More tanks arrive. Yuri pulls herself out of her harness, but her grenade belt gets caught, breaks, and stays behind. Kei grabs Yuri and flies her over the tanks, taking hits. Yuri's harness, rifle, and grenades go up in a titanic explosion which destroys the remaining tanks and catches Kei in the shockwave. She bounces off both walls, protecting Yuri, before coming to a rest. She puts Yuri down.] KEI Uh, oh. I think the combination of the tanks, the explosion, and carrying you just killed my suit. And it's too heavy to wear without power. [Kei takes off her harness. Kei is now armed with a pulse rifle, Yuri with her standard issue gun. The girls turn a corner and are nearly nailed by automated lasers set into a wall, before retreating. Guns at the ready, they turn the corner again, and this time destroy the lasers. The lasers appear to have been guarding a large set of steel doors.] KEI I believe we've struck paydirt! YURI I'll cut through, you be ready to take out whatever's on the other side. [Yuri aims her gun and begins to cut through the doors. Cut back to the Lovely Angel. Daved is still in the same chair. Mughi is watching television. Daved slowly gets up.] MUGHI [turning to look at him] Rrrrr... [Daved quickly sits back down.] DAVED Just, uh, stretching my legs!! [pause] You know, if you let me go, I think I could help them. [pause, Mughi ignores him] I know where they're going. At least I think I do. It's where they would've headed if I hadn't interfered. [Mughi continues to ignore him.] You know, you remind me of a cat I once had, named Shadow. He wasn't as big as you are, and he didn't have your ears. Didn't have your claws either. Or your teeth. Come to think of it, you really don't look much like him at all. [pause] No, no, you still remind me of him. He had your attitude. He liked to watch TV too, although his tastes ran more to cop shows. Bet you get your fill of that kind of crap without having to turn on the TV, huh? Hahahaha-- [Mughi sneers at him.] --huh. [Pause. Daved blinks. Under his breath:] Daved, that has got to be the stupidest idea you've had in your life... What the hell. The worst that can happen is he'll laugh at me. [louder:] Shadow had a favorite song, would you like to hear it? [Daved begin to sing in a soft voice] "Are you going to Scarborough Fair? Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Thyme..." [Mughi turns his head in curiosity. Cut to security room of the Thornheart complex. The same man we saw before is manning the station. He is continuing to push buttons and make adjustments and doesn't seem to care that a hole is being cut through the door behind him. The circular piece of metal is kicked out and Kei and Yuri enter. The man turns around.] MAN [with disgust] Oh. It's you. [He turns around and resumes work.] KEI Hey, it's just one guy! Dart him! [Yuri pulls a tiny dart gun from one of the pouches on her belt and shoots a dart into the man's back. He pulls it out and turns around again.] MAN Please go away. You're annoying me. [He resumes work.] YURI I'll--I'll get another dart. [The man spins around angrily and stands up.] MAN I said GO AWAY!! [Kei and Yuri fix their guns on him.] KEI Take one step and we blast you! MAN (laughs) Have a ball! [He takes a running step toward the girls. Kei and Yuri open fire and hit him, Kei in the chest, Yuri in the face. The man is driven back into the console by the blast, where he lies face down, sstionlese.] YURI Oh, great. We killed him. *Now* can we leave, Kei? [The man suddenly gets up and turns around. Part of his face and chest have been blown away, revealing metal. He advances on the Angels.] MAN Allow me to introduce the latest addition to the fine line of Thornheart security products-- [Kei and Yuri open fire. Chunks of the droid are blown off, but he continues to struggle forward against the blasts.] --yours truly. The GD-107 AI security droid, fully capable of running your entire security system. I am equipped with-- [Kei flips her rifle over and fires a grenade at him. A hole is blown clear through his chest and he is thrown back into the console, smashing it. He lies motionless and Kei approaches him.] KEI Do we have something that can read this guy's head? YURI Yeah, I should be able to hook it up to-- [The droid comes to life, grabs Kei by the neck, and lifts her into the air. She drops the rifle as she chokes.] MAN --lightning-quick reflexes and incredible strength. [He throws Kei against the wall, hard. She slumps unconscious.] YURI KEI! [Yuri aims her gun only to have it fly out of her hand into that of the droid, who crushes it.] MAN Miniature tractor beams, a fascinating new development, are concealed in the hands. [Yuri pulls the Bloody Card from her top and throws it. It lodges itself in the android's chest (what's left of it) and causes a short. The droid screams and starts to flail around. Yuri tries to go for the dropped pulse rifle, but the droid picks her up by the back of her top and throws her away. He then picks up the pulse rifle, breaks it in two, and turns to Yuri. His voice has risen so that he sounds like an electronic chipmunk.] MAN Wanna see a REAL NEAT TRICK?! [The droid pops a long metal rod out of his right arm.] Microwave cannon! I can make your friend POP LIKE A BALLOOOON! HEEHEEHEEHAHAAA!! [He points the rod at Kei and it begins to hum.] YURI NOOO!!! [She reaches into a pouch and pulls out Daved's Sword, frantically looking for some button or switch to turn it on.] Dammit! How do you make this thing work? [Daved enters the room.] DAVED Like this. [The Sword flares to life with a green blade and flies, spinning, out of Yuri's hand. It slices off the droid's right arm and returns to Daved.] MAN EEEEEEEYYYAAGH! DAVED Stand back, Yuri. [Daved, Sword in hand, leaps at the droid. With blinding speed, the droid catches Daved by the neck and squeezes.] MAN YOU! YOU'RE THE ONE! THE THIRD BLIP! IT WASN'T A MALFUNCTION, IT WAS *YOU*! WHO ARE YOU?!! *ANSWER ME*!!!! [Daved can't even breathe, much less talk. His grip on the Sword fails and he drops it. Yuri picks it up and cuts off the droid's left arm. Daved falls unglamorously to the floor and tries to work the fingers free from his throat. The droid screams and turns to look at Yuri. His eyes begin to glow. Yuri swings the Sword and cuts off his head. As the head falls to the ground, Yuri holds the Sword over it.] YURI Now you're going to answer some questions, or I'm going to slice your brain in two! MAN Oh, noooo! I don't THINK SOOOOO! The Allfather left very specific instructions! I'm not to tell you AAAAAANYTHIIIIING! Heheheha--huk-- [Lights on the console come on. Slamming noises can be heard. The droid's head ignites and begins to melt.] YURI We're being sealed in! [A steel plate slides down, closing off the hole made in the door. Daved finally frees himself and stands up.] DAVED Nice Swordwork, Yuri. [The Sword flies from Yuri's to Daved's hand.] I need my wristwatch. [Yuri glares at him. The Sword's blade changes color from green to yellow.] I'll stun you if I have to but I'd prefer it if you trusted me. I've watched all this happen before. I need my controller if we're going to make it out of here before the bombs go off. [Yuri fishes the watch out of the pouch and tosses it to him.] Thank you. Unfortunately, it's too cramped to bring the MUTT in here. I'll be back in seconds. [Daved adjusts the watch and hits a button. He vanishes and rematerializes a meter and a half above the roof and falls. He picks himself up and 'ports back. Yuri has just retrieved the Bloody Card.] YURI What were you doing? DAVED Getting exact coordinates. Who's first? KEI [weakly] Yuri is. YURI Kei! Are you alright? KEI She can run, I can't. Take her. YURI No! Kei, I'll-- DAVED No time to argue! [He grabs Yuri and 'ports them both to the roof.] Run for it! [Yuri does. Daved 'ports back.] Kei! C'mon! [Kei puts an arm around Daved and he helps her up, then 'ports them both to the roof. He helps her toward the Lovely Angel.] KEI M'Sorry I didn't trust you... DAVED That's okay, I'm used to it. My name's Daved, by the way. KEI I'm Kei. DAVED (laughs) I know. Say, maybe you could help me apologize to your cat. He's going to be mad at me. [They reach the steps to the hatch and start climbing up.] KEI You mean Mughi? How did you get away from him, anyway? DAVED Well, um, I sort of... [They go through the hatch.] KEI [from inside] BWAH-HAHAHAHAHAAA! [The hatch closes and the Lovely Angel takes off. Moments later most of the entire research complex goes up in an incredible fireball.] ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Next: Daved helps the Angels get the information they need. The ante is raised as the Lovely Angel is attacked. The Universal, including Daved, the MUTT, the Sword, Universe Ten and all related characters, are Copyright (c) 1991 Ryan Mathews.