------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Dirty Pair (and Company) in R E U N I O N S by Larry Mann and Ryan Mathews ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Copyright (c) 1995 Larry Mann & Ryan Mathews ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Forced into overdrive Drawn out of anger All talons poison dipped Impaling spike Heart pounding fever pitch Blood pumping fury Two fisted dynamo Eager to strike - Judas Priest: "All Guns Blazing" ----------------------- S T A G E T W E L V E ----------------------- > 14:48:42 [In four separate locations, Kei and Yuri, Rumiko, Darryn, and Shasti, Andrew and the rest of Shasti's strikeforce, have all been confronted by Lord Robin. Trapped in a forcefield, Rumiko looks terrified.] RUMIKO No. You're dead. You have to be dead. LORD ROBIN No, I don't. ------ [In a communications room, Darryn holds his gun on the intruder.] DARRYN Who are you? LORD ROBIN You don't know? (sigh) How fleeting is fame. You go out of circulation for a few years and suddenly you're in the "Out" column in the celebrity rags. The name, dear sir, is Lord Robin. [He bows.] At your service. DARRYN Lord Robin is dead. ------ [Trapped in a barren storeroom, the Lovely Angels stare in disbelief.] ROBIN I'm sorry, I scared you, didn't I? I hope you're not going to do something really gross like barf or pee your pants. KEI Your ship exploded. You were falling into a star. There's no *way* you could have gotten out of that! ROBIN I got better. [Suddenly, Yuri bolts forward, joyfully.] YURI ROBIN!! [She tries to hug him.] ROBIN Um, that might not be a good idea... ------ [In a corridor, Shasti's strikeforce holds its weapons at the ready.] SHASTI This is ridiculous. You're-- ROBIN Yes, yes, dead, I know, so everyone tells me. [He blinks.] *HEY*! I know *you*! [He points at Shasti.] You're Shasti! The bioroid bimbo! The terminator with tits! [Shasti sneers.] SHASTI You could be Lord Robin. You're certainly a big enough buffoon. ROBIN Oooh, testy, aren't we? That time of the month? [Shasti shoots him.] ROBIN AUGH! [He clutches his chest.] You... got me. This is it. The end of it all. [He staggers around, while the others gape in bewilderment.] Fading... Fading fast. [He staggers right *through* Shasti.] SHASTI A hologram. ROBIN Oops. ------ [Yuri runs right through Lord Robin and smacks into the wall.] ROBIN Owwie! That looked painful. You okay? [Yuri rubs her head.] YURI I think I've figured it out, Kei. ROBIN Really? Great! Don't keep me in suspense. YURI "Lord Robin" here is a computer-generated hologram, probably part of the security system. ROBIN Bingo! I was told you were the bright one. ------ DARRYN Security system? ROBIN Yup. The real me created me in his image, to look after the place while he was gone. Of course, with the place abandoned, I haven't been active for a few years. [He pretends to wipe dust off a console with his finger.] My, the place has fallen apart, hasn't it? I don't suppose you'd be good enough to clean up a little? ------ RUMIKO What are you going to do with me? ROBIN Well, I thought maybe a candlelight dinner, a little soft music, some wine, then FIVE SOLID HOURS OF MAKIN' WHOOPEE! [Rumiko stares at him.] No? How 'bout cartoons on the 3V and a bag of Ding-Dongs? RUMIKO You *are* crazy. ROBIN No, the real Lord Robin was crazy. I've just got a few bugs in my program. To answer your question, I'm not sure yet. For now I'll keep you here until I need you. RUMIKO Need me? For what? ROBIN You'll find out. ------ [Eyes trained on "Lord Robin", Shasti holds out her hand.] SHASTI Nance, the code. NANCE What? SHASTI Give me the code. NANCE No! We have an agreement! *I'm* the one who--! [Shasti snaps her fingers. All weapons train on Nance.] Kill me and you'll never get it. SHASTI Shoot to wound. I don't care where. NANCE What?! Hey, w-wait--! [One of the men shoots him in the shoulder.] AAA! JESUS! [He holds up a hand.] Alright, alright! Take the fucking code!! [He throws a small computer pad at Shasti, who catches it deftly.] ROBIN My, but you are quite the leader, aren't you? Hope nobody makes you manager of a baseball team. You'd run out of players by the sixth inning! [Shasti operates the pad.] SHASTI Password. NANCE "Easy street". [She types it in.] SHASTI Lord Robin? ROBIN Yeeeeesss? SHASTI I hereby issue you command override Alpha, authorization 4A619-Dink. ROBIN (disappointed) Where did you get ahold of that? SHASTI Do you accept it or not? ROBIN (sigh) Command accepted. What do you want? [Shasti grins.] ------ [Kei tries unsuccessfully to open the door to the storeroom.] KEI This sucks. Where does he get off, trapping us like this? YURI It's not a "he", it's an "it". It's probably programmed to secure intruders for interrogation. KEI That's not how he... it acted. YURI You're right, it's not. Lord Robin was a creative genius when it came to technology. Who knows what he did with the security system? KEI What are you doing? [Yuri pulls at a wall panel near the door.] YURI This is a storeroom. There's no lock controls on the inside. Still, it's not designed to hold prisoners. I figure if I can just... [The panel pops free.] Got it! Now I can get at the lock circuits from the back. KEI Cool! Can you pick the lock? YURI Dunno. I'll try. [Yuri pulls a small cord from a pouch on her belt, plugs one end into the lock circuit and the other an interface socket behind her ear.] ------ ["Lord Robin" leads Shasti's force through the maze of corridors.] ROBIN Say, Dawson? [One of Shasti's men stumbles.] DAWSON W-what? ROBIN Lord Robin updated me regularly with his own memories. They're not quite as vivid as they were to him, but they're there. So, how have you been? DAWSON Uh, f-fine, sir. SHASTI Dawson, knock it off. It's just a hologram. ROBIN Oh! "Just a hologram"! How cruelly she dismisses me! Do I not have feelings? SHASTI I told you to lead us to the treasury. Do it! ROBIN I am, I am. Doesn't mean I have to like it. Sheesh! [They walk in silence for a few moments.] ROBIN So, Dawson, tell me. What do you see in her? SHASTI Stop that!! DAWSON She's a fine leader. She's brilliant. She's always one step ahead of everyone. There's no one I'd trust more to get the job done. ROBIN Mmm. You know, Lord Robin thought quite highly of you. You were loyal, obedient, and extremely competant. He had been planning to promote you to the flagship. DAWSON Really? ROBIN Yup. What's she offered you? SHASTI I'm warning you, Dawson. Stop talking to him. ROBIN Okay, fine, have it your way. What about the geek in the glasses? ANDREW Me? ROBIN Yeah, you. Boy, talk about not belonging. How'd a nine-stone weakling like you fall in with a crowd of heavies like this? ANDREW Actually, I'm a psychologist. I'm here to figure out what makes-- made you tick. ROBIN Neato! And your conclusions, learned doctor? ANDREW I think it's all an elaborate act. ["Lord Robin" raises an eyebrow.] ROBIN Well, that's a new one. I'd love to discuss it with you, but, unfortunately, we've arrived. [He stops walking.] SHASTI I don't see the vault. ROBIN I didn't say we were at the vault. I said we'd arrived. ------ [Sitting with her back against a wall, Kei stifles a yawn.] KEI Any progress? YURI Nope. None whatsoever. My back hurts. I wish this cord were longer so I could sit down. KEI As I recall, you weren't able to hack into the computer on Lord Robin's flagship, either. YURI I don't think there was anything to hack into. I think it was just a blind. KEI Well, the guy *was* crazy. Trying to figure out his motives is waste of time, if you ask me. YURI But he wasn't crazy, Kei. That was just an act, to distract his enemies. Nearly everything Lord Robin did was a diversion of some sort or another, Acting like a lunatic, placing a fake computer so we wouldn't find his real data, pretending to poison us during our initiation so we wouldn't run away then assigning us to the flagship to keep an eye on us. Yeah, he was crazy. Like a fox. [Yuri blinks.] Diversion... [The door opens.] KEI You did it! What was the combination? YURI Zero-zero-zero-zero-zero. There was no combination! It was just a diversion to keep us looking for one. KEI Whatever! Let's get out of here! ------ SHASTI What's going on here? [Robin walks about, looking aimlessly at the walls.] ROBIN This is the innermost part of the complex. The first part built. Lord Robin started here then expanded outward. This was built only a year or so after the war that killed everything on the surface, so he was still in a real bad mood. SHASTI I order you to take us to the vault. ROBIN All kinds of nasty security devices. He never uploaded his subconscious to me, so I can't say for sure, but I think he was hoping the help from the United Galactica would finally arrive, so he could watch them all die. SHASTI I order-- ROBIN Did I mention how he hated the United Galactica? How they just sat back and let half a billion people die, because they wouldn't get involved in a civil war? It was quite a grudge, let me tell you. He felt betrayed by the UG. And if there was one thing ol' Robin could not abide, it was betrayal. He'd be pretty P.O.'d to see his former crewmen helping some monster in heels rip him off. SHASTI Nance, find an access panel. See if you can bypass the program. [Nance, cowed, nods and obeys.] ROBIN It's two panels to your left, then down two. [Nance blinks, then finds and opens the panel.] As I was saying, I was built around the same time. My only purpose was to repel intruders. Of course, with Lord Robin dead and his gang scattered to the four winds, there hasn't been much chance of intruders. The 3WA's been searching the planet for two years, but they're utterly clueless. [Nance plugs himself in, then screams and yanks the cord out. Blood trickles out of his nose.] So I'm sitting here, bored out of my CPU, when it hits me. Why not *make* some intruders? I got the chance when Nance over there tried to hack into my database. Nasty habit, by the way. Good way to permanently scramble your neurons. SHASTI The code was a fake. ROBIN What can I say? I'm a dick. Oh, by the way, lovely chase you've been leading the 3WA through. I've been watching it all through the 3WA datalines. Quite entertaining. SHASTI Men, weapons ready. ROBIN Tell you what, Shasti. You're supposed to have one of the most superior minds in the galaxy. I'm curious to test it out. SHASTI Go on. ROBIN I'll ask you three questions. Get them right and I'll lead you to the vault. SHASTI Shoot. ROBIN Great! This should be fun. Let's see... Question number one. In the eighty-third region of the Delta Quadrant, there is a planet whose surface area is ninety-percent water. The second largest city on that planet has the same name as a bird. The bird is native to a planet with a mountain range whose name is that of the maiden name of the mother of a famous explorer. The third major planet he discovered is rich in what element? SHASTI Molybdenum. ROBIN Very good! Question number two. What is the square root of the natural logarithm of the seventh prime number, rounded to six decimal places? SHASTI 1.683215. ROBIN Woo! She's smokin'! Now, for all the goodies: question number three. What did one clone say to the other? SHASTI W-what? ["Lord Robin" hums the theme from "Jeopardy".] ROBIN Dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dee-dum... SHASTI I don't understand the question. ROBIN AAANNK! Sorry. The correct answer is: "Is it just me or-- of course it isn't." SHASTI That wasn't a fair question. ROBIN Of course it was. I would have accepted anything funny. But you're incapable of that. For all your beauty, you're more of a machine than I am. And now, a musical number. [The lights dim and colored lights begin to play about as a slow soft series of chords plays.] PAUL I don't like the looks of this. SHASTI Agreed. Back the way we came. [The music explodes into a staccato dance beat. Lord Robin flies after them, lip-synching lyrics as security devices come on around them.] LORD ROBIN (lip-synching) "Darling, you were wonderful You really were quite good I enjoyed it, though of course No one understood A word of what was going on They didn't have a clue They didn't understand your sense of humor like I do." [An array of lasers comes on, cutting several of the men to ribbons. Shasti and Paul begin firing, taking out enough lasers to dodge the rest.] LORD ROBIN (lip-synching) "'You're much too kind,' I smiled, with murder on my mind." [Several floor panels fall away, sending another man to an unknown screaming death. Shasti and the rest leap over. Behind them, a wall of electricity forms and gives chase.] LORD ROBIN (lip-synching) "Yesterday, when I was mad, And quite prepared to give up everything, Admitting I don't believe In anyone since therapy, and that's what's really got to me." [They reach an intersection and turn the corner to safety, save for the last man, who is painfully electrocuted. The music suddenly stops. Shasti and the others keep their weapons ready, panting and looking all around them.] LORD ROBIN My, you're turning out to be surprisingly hard to kill. Keep it up! Second verse! [The music cuts in again.] LORD ROBIN (lip-synching) "You had a certain quality, it really is unique Expressed it with such irony, although your voice was weak. It doesn't really matter, 'cause the music is so loud Of course it's all on tape, but no-one need find out." [Thin, horizontal poles shoot out of the walls at bullet speed, impaling two more men. Shasti and the others take off running.] LORD ROBIN (lip-synching) "You hated me too, But not as much as I hated you..." [In the communication room, Darryn watches the massacre on a series of screens.] DARRYN My god... [Kei and Yuri are wandering around when they hear the music.] KEI You hear that? YURI Yeah. I think it's coming from that way. KEI Should we follow it? YURI I don't know. The music has to be coming from somewhere. KEI That's better than nowhere, which is where we are now. Let's go. [They head toward the music.] [Shasti's group has been reduced to herself, Andrew, Paul, Nance, and one other man. They try desperately to outrun a group of small, hovering robots armed with lasers. As they reach another intersection, Shasti takes the datapad she'd taken from Nance and hurls it down one path as hard as she can, caroming it off the walls. The robots follow the pad as Shasti and the others run down another passage.] PAUL It worked! SHASTI They must not be heat-seeking. It won't buy us more than a few seconds, though. [Another floor panel falls away. Shasti, Andrew, and Nance make it safely across, but Paul and the last man fall into the pit. Paul catches himself with one hand, but the other hits another electrical field and is fried. The field begins to move upward.] PAUL Christ! Pull me up! [A set of doors begins to close as the robots approach.] SHASTI Sorry, Paul. You knew it would happen eventually. PAUL WHAT?! SHASTI If it's any consolation, I wasn't planning on letting you live through this caper anyhow. Goodbye. [The three slip through the doors to safety, Andrew looking at Paul disturbedly until Shasti pushes him through.] PAUL SHASTIIIII!!!! [Darryn continues to watch in horror, then his attention is grabbed by another screen displaying the Lovely Angels as the approach their apparent doom.] DARRYN WHAT--?! No! Stop! [He tries to open a channel.] Kei! Yuri! Can you hear me?! You have to stop! Don't go that way!! [Paul just barely pulls himself up in time, catching his toe in the electrocution field and yelping in pain. He staggers to his feet and sees the robots approaching. He reaches into a satchel on his belt and pulls out a U-shaped object. He places it around the back of his neck and fits plugs on either end into the interface sockets behind his ears. His entire body tenses with a jerk.] [Shasti and the others find themselves at a dead end, all passages closed off.] SHASTI Oh, fuck. [The lip-synching hologram of Lord Robin appears as an array of lasers pop up along the walls.] ANDREW This is it, isn't it? [A door opens, and Kei and Yuri enter. "Lord Robin" sees them and suddenly looks alarmed.] SHASTI You again! What do I have to do to get rid of you?! LORD ROBIN (lip-synching) "Then, when I was lonely, I thought again, and changed my mind..." [The lasers stand down and the music comes to a close.] KEI Shasti?! SHASTI What in the... [Shasti suddenly brightens, and grins wickedly. She runs toward Yuri. The Angels draw and shoot, but Shasti dodges, rolls and springs. With one arm, she catches Yuri and throws her to the floor. In an instant, she has Yuri by the neck with a gun to her head.] SHASTI [To Kei:] Drop it!! NOW!! YURI NO! KILL HER! It's the only chance you'll get! [Kei drops her gun, giving Shasti the stare of death.] SHASTI Well, well, "Lord Robin". Looks like I've discovered your weakness. I'd heard rumors that Yuri had been special to you. Looks like they were right. LORD ROBIN I received data about her during my last update. I have... orders to protect her. [Shasti laughs.] SHASTI You poor fool. You had ultimate power within reach of your fingertips... and then you fell in love! You make fun of me for not having a soul. Well, look where your soul got you. Dead and powerless. [Andrew looks uncomfortable.] LORD ROBIN (sigh) Spare me the lecture. What do you want? SHASTI Simple. I'm going to give you orders. You're going to follow them. The instant I get the impression my orders aren't being followed, or you try any kind of tricky bullshit, your girlfriend's brains paint the wall. Are we clear? LORD ROBIN Crystal. KEI You bitch. Just you wait--! SHASTI First order. Get rid of her. [A high pressure stream of gas hits Kei in the face. She passes out.] LORD ROBIN Done. What next? SHASTI I have a map. You know what the map looks like. You're the one who wrote it and gave it to Nance. You will reconfigure the facility so it matches the map. [Three of the passages open.] Ah. So, we're right here. Andrew, Nance, follow me. We have a treasury to salvage. Oh, and Robin? I'll let you know if I need anything else. [They exit. "Robin" stares after them. Another high-pressure gas stream hits Kei, and she revives, coughing.] KEI Ugh. What happened? LORD ROBIN You'll be fine. Just don't drink any cocktails for a few days. Now, if you'll follow me, we have a bitch to botch. --- END STAGE TWELVE --- >>> NEXT >>> "We're takin' you back to Elenore. They're gonna *dissect* you!" Lyrics to "Yesterday, When I Was Mad" written by Neil Tennant and Chris Lowe (Pet Shop Boys), (c) 1993 EMI-Virgin Music, Inc. (ASCAP)