THE DIRTY PAIR in "The Ballad of Lord Robin" by Ryan Mathews PART 1 [Opening scene: A full view of the planet Eran. It is blue and Earth-like. In one of the major cities, crowds of people walk to and fro. Suddenly, the sky goes dark and every one looks up. A huge fleet of warships has simply materialized in orbit. It is so large that, from space, Eran now appears to have a ring. Cut to the main goverment building in Eran's capital. The president of Eran has been summoned to a large situation room along with a man in military dress, his top general.] PRESIDENT What the hell is going on? OPERATOR This huge fleet just...appeared in orbit, sir! PRESIDENT That's impossible. You can't warp a ship into a gravity well! GENERAL Apparently they can. [The president is suddenly struck with a thought.] PRESIDENT What time is it? [He checks his watch.] Oh my god. No... No, it can't be. GENERAL Can't be who? OPERATOR Sir, receiving a transmission from the fleet! PRESIDENT Put it on the main screen. [The view on the large main screen pans over a cheering crowd, while an announcer talks in voice-over.] ANNOUNCER (VO) Planet Eran, COME ON DOWN! You're the next contestant on The Price is High! And now, here's your host, the wizard of wacky, the sultan of silly, the one, the only, LORRRRRRRRRRRD ROBIN!!!! PRESIDENT Oh, no. Oh, God, please no... [The screen shows a stage backed by a curtain. The curtain opens slightly and out walks a tall man with short black hair. He wears a jumpsuit that is ridiculously full of color and is smiling so wide you expect the top of his head to fall off.] ROBIN Thank you, thank you! And welcome to the Price is High! The only game show that brings the action to *you*! GENERAL [to the President] I can scramble the entire airspace forces of the planet in under fifteen minutes. PRESIDENT Against Lord Robin's armada? We wouldn't make a dent. The best we could hope to do is make him mad. ROBIN Our contestant today is a lovely little planet on the fringes of known space, Eran! [applause] Representing Eran is the leader of that world, President Francis. So, tell me a little about yourself. PRESIDENT Huh? ROBIN Ooh, not a very exciting life. But don't worry, it's bound to get exciting real soon! PRESIDENT Lord Robin, please. We're both leaders, we can reach some kind of agreement. We're--we're reasonable men, you and I-- ROBIN BAH-HAHAHAHAHA! Reasonable men! HAHAHA! That's good! Whew! You are the witty one, aren't you! In fact, I think I'll reward you by giving you a free correct answer! [With a DING! a "1" appears behind Lord Robin. The crowd goes "OOOOH!"] PRESIDENT I'll give you anything you want! The entire resources of this planet are yours! [The General looks shocked. He opens his mouth but the President motions for him to keep quiet.] ROBIN Give *me* something? You silly goof, this a game show! I'm supposed to give *you* stuff! Hmph! Non-conformists! What is this galaxy coming to? Next question! "What is the average air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?" PRESIDENT I--I don't know. ROBIN No no no no NO! I go "What is the average air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?", you go "European or African?", I say "I don't know!", then blow myself up! One more time: "What is the average air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?" PRESIDENT Eu--European or African? [A buzzer sounds.] ROBIN Sorry, that's wrong! Don, what do we have for our naive little friend? ANNOUNCER (VO) Well, Lord Robin, I'm afraid that Eran doesn't qualify for our grand prize, however, as a consolation they will receive a lovely copy of our home game! ROBIN Oh, boy! The home game! That's where we bring the game to YOUR HOME! HIT IT! [A catchy rock-dance tune starts up, and Robin dances and lip-synches. Behind him, the view of the stage fades out to be replaced by several views of Eran.] PRESIDENT No! NOOO! Lord Robin, PLEASE!! [Every ship in the vast armada that rings Eran begins firing massive pulse-cannons from its belly. Every hit on the planet is equivalent to an H-Bomb. As the destruction plays behind him, Lord Robin continues to dance, pretending to direct the explosions with his hands. A shot strikes a major downtown area, and the buildings bulge outward before they disintegrate. Cars attempt to flee the cities as explosions seem to chase them down the highway. The President and General scream as a direct hit on the situation room vaporizes them. Hits in the oceans create gigantic tsunamis which destroy coastal cities. A large residential area is reduced to sticks by multiple hits. This continues for three minutes, the bombardment ending with the song. As the song concludes, Lord Robin's figure is superimposed on a wasteland.] ROBIN And so we come to the end of another exciting episode of The Price is High. Be sure to join us next week, same Robin-time, same Robin-channel, when our next contestant could be *you*! Until then, this is Lord Robin saying "KEEP ON ROCKING!" [The screen goes blank and is replaced with the WWWA logo. Cut to a large arena filled with uniformed trouble consultants (mostly female) who have been watching the previous events on a screen. At a podium in front of the screen, the Chairman of the Board of the WWWA is addressing the audience.] CHAIRMAN What you have just seen was broadcast to all of colonized space on a hyperspace channel. The United Galactica immediately dispatched a small fleet to Eran. So far, no survivors have been found. [The Chairman pauses. Panning across the faces of the trouble consultants reveals stunned looks and silence.] This is the third consecutive week that this "Lord Robin" has destroyed a world. Each new kill follows the last by exactly seven standard days. Each has been broadcast to the galaxy as if it were a form of entertainment. [The Chairman turns to the screen. A diagram of a quarter of the galaxy appears, with three red dots, not closely spaced, in the upper right-hand quarter.] The three incidents so far have taken place in this portion of the galaxy. However, an extensive search of this area has turned up nothing. It's as if the fleet only exists when it's destroying a planet. Having exhausted all its options, the United Galactica has decided to hire us. [The crowd starts to murmur.] Yes, that's right. All of us. The Worlds Welfare Work Association has been placed at the disposal of the UG High Command. From this moment on, each and every one of you, in addition to your regular assignments, will have the following standing order. You are to spend every available moment of time searching your assigned area of space for Lord Robin's fleet. Should you find it, you will take whatever action you deem necessary and feasible to prevent its next kill. This order will remain in effect until I countermand it. Are there any questions? [A trouble consultant with short black hair raises her hand.] Rumiko? RUMIKO You say we're supposed to take any action we deem feasible. Meaning no disrespect, sir, but like what? Most of us work in pairs with only one ship. We'd be no match for an entire fleet of warships. CHAIRMAN No one expects you to lead an all-out assault against Lord Robin's fleet. At the very least we expect you to tail him and signal for help. Any other questions? [Another girl with curly blonde hair stands up.] Cindy? CINDY Sir, I don't have a question but I have a comment. CHAIRMAN Go ahead. CINDY I believe we should stay out of this. Tell the United Galactica we don't want their business. [The crowd breaks into shocked murmuring.] CHAIRMAN Order, *please*! [The crowd quiets down.] Cindy, since you've decided to become a policy-adviser for the entire 3WA, perhaps you'd like to clarify your position? CINDY You don't seem to understand the implications of the existence of that fleet. It can just pop into orbit around a planet, and that's amazing, yes, but what's even more amazing is that it exists at all. Those aren't junkheap ships, they aren't refurbished old clunkers. That fleet is all state-of-the-art equipment. There are damned few planets in the UG that have an armed fleet that powerful. Don't any of you understand what that means? CHAIRMAN [annoyed] Why don't you tell us, Cindy? CINDY Lord Robin has to be supplied from somewhere. That means he has contacts. What's more, even as they were building these ships, powerful enough to destroy a planet in three minutes, no one knew about it. He must have spent years putting this fleet together, yet we're just finding out about it now. So that means he has even more contacts to cover up his preparations. Contacts in very high places. Sir, if we get involved in this, I seriously believe we could be biting off more than we could chew. CHAIRMAN [angry] And just what, Cindy, is your idea of something the 3WA can't handle? CINDY Well, for example-- [Cindy whips her gun out of her holster and fires at the Chairman. The Chairman's aide, reacting quickly, tackles him, taking the lethal blast himself. Cindy turns and begins shooting other trouble consultants with rapid shots. None of the other TC's are armed. A girl tackles Cindy from behind and knocks the gun out of her hand. Cindy reaches back, grabs the girl around the head and shoulder and breaks her neck. Another TC picks up the gun and shoots Cindy in the chest, three times. She staggers and falls forward. Another aide gets up and staggers to an intercom.] AIDE Medical emergency! Code level alpha! Auditorium! Now! [Some trouble consultants help the wounded while others sob uncontrollably over the loss of their partners. A crowd gathers around Cindy's body.] TC #1 Cindy, a traitor. I never would have believed it. TC #2 We should've thought something was weird when she came to the meeting armed. But still, Cindy... TC #3 Hey, her grenade belt is full, too! We're lucky we got her in time! TC #4 I'm gonna roll her over. [The fourth TC kneels and reaches for the body.] TC #2 NO, WAIT!! [As the TC touches Cindy, all the grenades go off. Cut to a hallway leading to the auditorium. Kei and Yuri are walking quickly toward the meeting for which they are, of course, late. They are also fighting.] YURI I am *not* taking the heat for this, Kei! If Goulet tries to roast our tails, I'm telling him exactly who's responsible! KEI You wouldn't dare! YURI Just watch me! This is the third time one of your cute little "short-cuts" has made me late for an important meeting! Fourth, if you count that date I stood up! KEI Well, excuuuuuse me, Miss Perfect! If it's so damned important to you, why didn't you let me drive and do the navigating yourself?! YURI Navigating?! You call that navigating?! You couldn't navigate your way out of a wet paper bag!! KEI I COULD TOO!! [They reach the door to the auditorium.] YURI Shhhh! We're here! Maybe we can sneak in and no one'll notice. [Yuri opens the door, and a TC with long, straight red hair falls on her. The girl is missing her right eye and ear. She grabs Yuri for support, smearing blood all over her.] D-Daphne? DAPHNE [weakly] Yuri....... [Daphne passes out and slumps to the floor. Two medical personnel come running up.] MED What the hell are you standing there for? Help someone! KEI My god, Yuri. What did we miss? [Pan back. Kei and Yuri walk over and help treat the wounded. Smoke from the grenades still lingers in the room. Debris is scattered everywhere. TC's sit and lie in various states of injury, wrapped in bandages. Some bodies are covered by white sheets. Fade to Goulet's office. Kei and Yuri walk in, less perky than usual.] GOULET I assume you know what your next assignment is about. YURI Uhh, actually no, sir, we missed the meeting. GOULET Oh. Of course. I should have known. [draws a breath] Have either of you heard of Lord Robin? KEI Lord Robin?! We're going after Lord Robin?!! Oh, wow! That's what I call an assignment! YURI Was Lord Robin responsible for what happened yesterday? GOULET We believe so. However, we have analyzed Cindy's body, what's left of it, and have found no trace of mind control whatsoever. What Cindy did, she did of her own free will. KEI No way! Cindy was a TC since before us! She wouldn't have done something like that unless someone was controlling her! GOULET I'm afraid she did. The thing that gets me is that I can't see her motive. Nine trouble consultants were killed at the scene. Seven more have since died of their wounds. It looks like about fifteen will have to be retired due to injury. Over all that's about thirty TC's we've lost. Yet that's not even a serious dent in our forces, and Cindy must have known that. I'm not sure whether to take her action as a warning or a provocation. YURI So I take it we've found the location of Lord Robin's fleet? GOULET No. What we *have* found is a place where Robin apparently continually recruits new hands. An agent died getting us this information. The two of you are going undercover. [Kei and Yuri glance at each other. This is different.] You are to go to this place and become members of Lord Robin's crew. Once there, your assignment is threefold. First, you are to discover what technology Lord Robin is using to warp his entire fleet directly into orbit around a planet. There *is* a device that makes this possible, the something-or-other compensator, but there are only three in existence-- YURI Two, sir. GOULET Wait, that's right. One was destroyed a while ago. How did you know about that? KEI & YURI Uhhhhhh... GOULET NO! Don't tell me! I don't want to know! Anyway, the things have been so recently developed, are so expensive and take so much time to build, that I doubt he has the hundreds he'd need for his entire fleet. Secondly, you are to obtain the names of all his contacts. High-level, low-level, we need them all. And lastly... [pause] You are to terminate Lord Robin. Do you think you can handle this? KEI I don't know about the first two, but I can sure handle the last one! [She makes a "gun-shooting" motion with her hand.] SHOOM! GOULET Don't expect help on this one. The only other person in the 3WA who is aware of this mission is the Chairman. We aren't even keeping records. KEI & YURI Huh? GOULET We can't take the chance that there are no other double-agents in our organization. You also must go in almost completely unarmed. No nifty gadgets, nothing that screams "3WA". You will both be given transmitters. A large fleet of armed UG patrol-ships are waiting on the signal. They don't know about you. All they know is that the signal will lead them to Lord Robin. At the appropriate time, you will trigger your transmitters, and hopefully you will be able to effect an escape during the attack. YURI Of course, turning on the transmitter will blow our cover. GOULET Exactly. KEI Man, we sure have our work cut for us this time. GOULET Go to the tech-lab now and pick up your transmitters. Take this. [He hands Yuri a data chip.] This is the only existing detailed description of your mission. Read it, memorize it, destroy it. YURI Got it. [The girls turn to leave.] GOULET And Yuri, Kei... be careful. [The Angels are surprised. Goulet usually acts like he'd *like* them dead.] KEI Uh... Sure. [They leave.] GOULET I never thought the day would come when I'd be worried *for* the Dirty Pair instead of *about* them. [Cut to tech-lab. An intense Dr. Kueblestein, wearing safety goggles, is working on an experiment. Kei's hand falls on his shoulder.] KUEBLESTEIN WAAAH! [With a BOOMPH!, the experiment blows up in his face, covering it and his goggles with soot.] Hmm. That's odd. I appear to have gone blind. This was not in the parameters of the experiment. Perhaps a test of the evidence... [He wipes his goggles.] A-ha! Another triumph for the scientific method! Kei! Yuri! Welcome! YURI We're here to pick up the transmitters. [Kei looks at an array of wires plugged into sockets. She touches one and it pops out.] KUEBLESTEIN Transmitters? Hmmm... Oh, yes! Follow me. [Yuri follows Kueblestein to the other side of the lab. Kei, still holding the wire, can't remember which socket it went in; they all look alike. She plugs it into a socket, causing the box to crackle and then explode. As aides rush over to douse the fire, Kei walks away, whistling. She joins Yuri and Kueblestein.] KUEBLESTEIN I also have some other things I cooked up for you, all very low-tech and boring, I'm afraid. Ah! Here it is! [Kueblestein holds up an object about half the size of a pea.] YURI That's the transmitter? KUEBLESTEIN Oh, it may not not look like much, but squeeze it in a certain way and it will emit a hyperspace signal for ten seconds, a signal powerful enough to be heard across half of colonized space. KEI But won't they be awfully hard to keep track of? KUEBLESTEIN That's why they'll be injected into your body. Don't worry, it won't hurt much. [Kueblestein places the transmitter into an syringe-like injector.] YURI So you're going to stick those things into our arms? KUEBLESTEIN I'm afraid not. The transmitter is impervious to all forms of scanning, but the mark it leaves could be noticed unless it's well hidden. [Kueblestein turns around, an injector in each hand.] Now, if you ladies will undo your tops? [Kei and Yuri go wide-eyed.] ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Next: Kei and Yuri learn that there's more to joining Lord Robin's crew than just learning a secret handshake.