THE DIRTY PAIR in "The Ballad of Lord Robin" by Ryan Mathews PART 2 The story so far: A madman named Lord Robin has been randomly destroying civilized planets with his own war fleet. The fleet is very powerful, as is Lord Robin. This is demonstrated when an agent of his, a 3WA trouble consultant, kills a lot of other TC's at a meeting before being killed herself, apparently just to prove a point. Kei and Yuri are assigned the task of going undercover and joining Lord Robin's crew, in order to learn the names of all of the man's contacts and agents, as well as the means he uses to warp his fleet directly into orbit around a planet, something that is supposed to be impossible. They are given subcutaneous transmitters implanted in their chests in order to signal a waiting UG attack fleet when they have accomplished their mission. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- [Cut to a commercial space transport. Kei and Yuri are sitting next to each other. Yuri looks out the window thoughtfully while Kei fumes.] KEI "Don't worry, it won't hurt much." OW! I swear I'm going to write up a complaint about this! YURI Oh, give it a rest. The way you carry on, you'd think he stuck it *in* one instead of between them. KEI Well, it still hurts! If he wanted someplace well hidden, why didn't he put it in my butt? YURI Because you'd activate it when you sat down. Quit complaining already! You don't see me whining about it! KEI Maybe 'cuz you don't have as much there to hurt! [Yuri whips around.] YURI Watch your mouth! [Yuri looks out the window again.] Mughi sure was upset. KEI Yeah. I've never seen the big furball so worried. [Kei looks around the cabin. It is almost completely empty, save for the Angels and a couple others.] Hey, Yuri, doesn't the plane seem a bit empty to you? YURI Well, Alderon isn't exactly a tourist attraction. The most successful businesses there are murder and robbery. I just hope we don't get attacked before we get to where we're going. KEI I could use the practice. [The plane enters Alderon's atmosphere, then lands at a spaceport. Cut to a very evil-looking part of town. Kei and Yuri walk through the dark, nearly deserted streets. The Angels are both dressed in black leather. Kei wears a jacket, Yuri only a vest. Kei has found time to spike her red hair. She wears shades and a knife in a holster on her belt. Yuri has her hair tied back in a ponytail. She has drawn a black semicircle around the side of her right eye. She wears fingerless leather gloves and a small chain belt. The girls reach the entrance of a bar.] KEI I sure hope this is the right place. YURI Didn't you memorize the assignment like Goulet said? KEI I figured, why bother? I could always ask you. [Kei and Yuri take deep breaths, throw open the doors and stride confidently into the bar. All eyes, especially those of the men, lock onto the newcomers. The girls pretend that the stares don't bother them, walk to a table and sit down, acting as if they own the place. A scruffy young man walks over to the table and sits next to them.] SCRUFFY Hello, there. [The girls ignore him.] Haven't seen you in this place before. [pause] Not very talkative, are you? Would a drink loosen your tongue? I'll buy. YURI Sure. We'll both have the Songbird Cocktail. [The scruffy young man raises his eyebrows and stands up.] SCRUFFY Wait here. I'll, uh, get your drinks. [The man walks through a door at the back of the bar. Moments later, a gorgeous leggy blonde walks out. All attention is directed at her.] KEI Holy--! So much for our grand entrance. YURI I'd kill for legs like that. [The blonde walks over and sits next to Kei.] BLONDE "Songbird cocktail", huh? Do you know what you're getting into? YURI We're not fools. We know what we're doing. BLONDE We'll see. In any case, you're committed now. Nice knife. [She holds up Kei's knife.] KEI HEY! Give that back! [Kei moves toward the blonde, who swiftly produces a gun.] BLONDE Don't try anything stupid. YURI There's two of us and one of you. You're the one being stupid. BLONDE Are you *sure* you know what you're getting into? [She snaps her fingers. *Everyone* in the bar produces a gun and trains it on the girls. Kei and Yuri swallow.] Please don't move. Blood stains are such a pain to clean. [She turns to the back of the bar.] Darling, it's clear! [The door opens and out walks...] KEI Oh my god, it's really Lord Robin... ROBIN Lord Robin?! WHERE! [He looks around frantically.] Oh, wait, that's right! I'm Lord Robin! It's so hard to keep track of one's identity these days. So... [He pulls out a chair, jumps into it and puts his legs up on the table.] What do you ladies call yourselves? KEI Our names aren't important. ROBIN Oh, I wholeheartedly agree! But then if you're planning on joining my outfit, I have to call you something, don't I? Can't just say "Hey you!" Half my crew answers to that name! Of course... [Robin scratches his chin.] One of them *is* named Heiyu... But then, he's weird. So what is your Nomme du Crew? [Yuri looks at Kei, who shrugs.] YURI Call me Persuasion. She's Coercion. ROBIN Oooh! Abstract nouns for names! Now *there's* a novel idea! Kirsten, darling, let's name our firstborn Reasonable Doubt! [Robin jumps on the blonde and starts tickling her.] KIRSTEN (BLONDE) [giggling] Robin! Stop it! [Robin seems to suddenly remember what he was doing.] ROBIN Oh! How shameful of me! Allow me to introduce Kirsten, the apple of my eye, the song in my heart, the cream filling in my Twinkie. And you're-- You know, those names you gave are a bit serious. How 'bout I call you Percy and Cory? KEI Suit yourself. ROBIN WONderful! Matron! The finest wine in the house for our new friends! Ooh, isn't this special! We're gonna have fuuuuuuun! [Robin turns to receive the wine.] KEI [whispering to Yuri] Is this guy for real? YURI [whispering] I guess so. He acts just like he does on the broadcasts-- [louder] Chateau Orion '29???!! ROBIN The lady knows wine! Better a lady who knows wine than a whining lady, I always say! [Three glasses are poured.] YURI But...there are only five bottles in existence! ROBIN And after tonight, there will only be four, so you'd better enjoy it! [Robin lifts his glass.] To Percy and Cory, my new bestest friends! May the wind always be at your back, unless someone behind you just farted! [The girls just look at their wine.] My, my! Aren't we a trifle untrustworthy tonight! [Robin drains his glass.] Look what you made me do! Now I have to pour another one! And too much wine makes me silly! KIRSTEN I like you silly. ROBIN Really? I like me silly, too! We have even more in common than I thought! [The girls drink their wine.] YURI Wow. Chateau Orion '29. Never thought I'd have that in my mouth. KEI Aah, wine is wine. I don't suppose you have anything stronger? ROBIN Certainly! But I really think you should stay sober. You have an initiation to go through. KEI Huh? What, do we have to rip off a car or something? [The whole bar bursts into laughter.] ROBIN Oh, no, no! Nothing so mundane! [Robin claps his hands over his head and a woman and two men walk over.] Let me introduce three friends of mine. This is Jenna... [He points to a tall woman with spiked black hair.] This is Claude... [He points to a large, muscular, black man.] And this is... [He points to a slender bald man with a distant expression.] Well, we don't really know his name. I call him Spooky. KIRSTEN Spooky's mute. ROBIN The initiation is really very simple. You're going to walk out that door. Thirty minutes later, Jenna, Claude, and Spooky will walk out the same door. If thirty minutes after that, you're still alive, you're in! Now what could be simpler? YURI And suppose we don't want to play your little game? ROBIN Hey, it's a free galaxy! But you may want to consider playing along. There was a slow-acting poison in the wine. KEI What? You drank it too! ROBIN Ah, but I have the antidote. You don't. [Kei and Yuri look at each other, unsure of Lord Robin's honesty.] You should start feeling the effects in about half an hour, which, by an amazing coincidence, is exactly when your head start runs out. So go on! Git! Shoo! [Kei and Yuri are still too unsure to act. Kirsten brings her gun up again.] KIRSTEN I believe the man wants you to leave. [The Angels get up. The entire bar laughs at them.] KEI At least give me my knife back! [Kirsten looks at Robin, who nods, then flips Kei the knife.] ROBIN Maestro! The jukebox! I suddenly have happy feet! [A man gives a beaten old jukebox a violent kick, which makes it start playing a synth-dance tune. Robin grabs Kirsten and starts dancing like a maniac all over the bar, much to her delight. Kei and Yuri leave, visibly shaken. Cut to a large room in an abandoned building. Kei and Yuri are crouched in a corner, against one wall. The other wall has a window looking out onto the street. Kei has her knife out and is examining it.] KEI I hate this waiting. [pause, Kei looks at Yuri.] "Percy and Cory"? YURI It was the best I could come up with. UNGH! KEI What's wrong? YURI Stomach cramp... KEI You too, huh? Looks like Robin was telling the truth about the wine. [pause] Damn... I hope he's not going to just leave us to die. That would be a real stupid way to end the mission. YURI They'll come. I believe it. [A rustling noise is heard.] KEI AAAH! [She throws the knife and the noise stops. Kei carefully walks through the dark to where she heard the noise.] Oh. That's a relief. [She pulls the knife out of the floor and brings it back. A huge grey rat is stuck on the end.] It was just a rat, see? YURI Oh, YUCCH! Take it away, Kei, I'm sick enough already! [Kei flicks the knife and the rodent corpse goes hurtling into the darkness.] KEI How long since our head start ran out? YURI About ten minutes. It's a big city, I don't understand how they hope to-- [A big fist punches through the wall behind the two.] FIND US!! [Claude sticks his head through the hole.] CLAUDE Hi! How y'all doin'? [Kei punches him in the jaw, then howls and grabs her hand.] Aww, did I forget to mention that I'm a cyborg? Musta just slipped my mind! I'll get the door! [Claude smashes, rips, and kicks a hole in the wall. Kei and Yuri back off. Claude makes it all the way through.] Now... who wants to be first? [Yuri backs out the door, then notices Jenna in the street with a gun. Spooky stands off to the side like he could care less.] YURI SHIT! [She ducks back inside just as Jenna fires, the shot knocking a chunk out of the door frame. Kei faces off with Claude, who is taking his time walking toward the girls.] Dammit, she's got a gun! This isn't fair! CLAUDE *Life* ain't fair. JENNA [from outside] Yeah, but don't worry about it, you ain't gonna live much longer! [Kei holds out the knife. Claude continues to slowly walk toward the Angels.] KEI Keep back! CLAUDE Oh, wow, a real knife! I'm so scared! [Yuri looks out intoo the road. Almost on the other side, there is a metal barrel. Yuri looks at Claude, then runs out into the street. Jenna fires twice, missing, and Yuri dives for cover behind the barrel. As Jenna's shots bounce off the barrel, Yuri takes off her chain belt. It is very long and has a weight on one end. Cut back to Kei, still being stalked by Claude.] KEI Damn you! [Kei throws the knife and it lodges in Claude's chest.] CLAUDE AAAAH! [He looks at the knife and pulls it out. An oil-like substance seeps out of the wound.] Shit! You little bitch! Do you have any idea how much it's gonna cost to repair this?! My warranty ran out last month! You just cost me a week's salary! KEI Life ain't fair. CLAUDE Har-de-friggin-HAR!!! [He charges Kei like a bull. Kei smiles and executes a perfect Judo throw. Claude goes right through the wall behind her and out into the street, distracting Jenna. Yuri gets up, whirls the weighted end of the chain over her head and throws it. It wraps itself around Jenna's gun. Yuri gives a yank, disarming Jenna and catching the gun herself. She holds it on the two assassins.] YURI Neither one of you move! JENNA Oh, give me a break. YURI I mean it! We're just going to wait here until time runs out! JENNA The way your hands are shaking, you couldn't hit the side of a barn. And you know that or else you'd gun me down right now! [Yuri looks at the gun and sees Jenna is right. Jenna quickly removes a large, sharpened metal ring from her belt. Yuri fires and misses by a mile. Jenna throws the ring and it cuts the gun in two before returning to her.] YURI Oh, hell. [Yuri dives behind the barrel again as Jenna throws the ring. The ring makes a deep cut in the barrel. To herself:] Kei, where are you? [Jenna turns to Claude who has been sitting in the road.] JENNA Hey, Claude, want a chance to redeem yourself? CLAUDE [getting up] Sure, why not. I'd rather go for the redhead, but as has been said, life ain't fair. [He walks toward Yuri's position.] YURI Dammit. CORRREEEEEE! [The sounds of a vehicle are heard. Claude turns his head, just in time to be hit by the car and sent flying. The car stops and the passenger side door opens.] KEI Get in! I stole their car! [Yuri runs to the car and gets in as Kei floors it. Claude gets up, dusts himself off, then looks at Jenna. The two start to laugh.] CLAUDE God, I love this job! JENNA Beats holdin' up liquor stores, that's for sure! C'mon Spooky, we don't want to lose them. [Cut to interior of the car. Kei is driving at breakneck speed.] KEI Sorry I took so long. It's been awhile since I hotwired a car. YURI Where are we going? KEI Anywhere. I'll just drive all over the place until time runs out. No way are they gonna catch us. [pause] Boy, I don't feel so good. I'm getting dizzy. YURI You want me to drive? KEI Why, do you feel any better? YURI I doubt it. KEI Then stay where you are. Besides, I wouldn't want you driving even if you were healthy. YURI Gee, thanks! KEI Aw, hell! I took a dead end--HUH?! [Claude is waiting for them directly in their path. Kei stomps on the gas.] YURI Kei, what are you DOING?! [Kei and Yuri leap from the car, which plows into Claude, then into the wall, then explodes. Groaning the girls pick themselves up. Waiting at the entrance to the dead-end are Spooky and Jenna.] JENNA Nice improvisation! You two have sure been more creative than most of the recruits we kill! [Yuri picks up a piece of pipe and wields it like a bo staff. She heads for Jenna, her legs shaky. Meanwhile, Kei has climbed onto the pile of debris, waiting for the inevitable. Sure enough, Claude bursts from the wreckage, battered but fully functional. Kei stands behind him, holding a piece of junk over her head.] CLAUDE I *love* being a cyborg! Everything just bounces off you! If I'da known it would be this much fun, I would'a had that accident a long time ago! [looks around] Where's the cute redhead? [Kei brings the blunt object down on his head as hard as she can.] KEI DIE!! CLAUDE OOF! [Claude reaches back, grabs her arms, and pulls her over his head. He holds her around the neck.] It's been fun, babe. [Yuri approaches Jenna with the pipe. Jenna throws the blade ring and it slices the pipe in half, but going through the thick pipe robs it of needed momentum and it falls short of returning to her. Yuri holds the remaining pipe like a bat and charges Jenna. Spooky's eyes glow, and suddenly the ground beneath Yuri seems to ripple and flow. Yuri loses her balance and falls sprawled at Jenna's feet. Jenna picks her up and holds a knife at her throat. Yuri tries to elbow her, but she is too weak.] JENNA Nice try. I'm impressed. Sincerely. Don't take this personally. [Lord Robin steps into view behind Jenna.] ROBIN TIME!! JENNA What? Come on! ROBIN You know the rules, dear Jenna! Let our new member go. [Jenna reluctantly does so.] JENNA Phooie! So much for my streak. ROBIN You too, Claude! Bring her over here. CLAUDE [to himself] I could break her neck, say she was already dead... Aah, who'm I kiddin'? [He releases his grip on Kei, then carries her to the others and drops her.] Actually, she did me a favor. Now I can claim a no-fault car accident on my insurance forms and get free repairs! [The girls are now in serious pain and can no longer stand.] YURI Please... the antidote... ROBIN Antidote? Oh, that! I lied. There isn't one. KEI Wh...what?! ROBIN Oh, don't worry, it's not fatal. In fact, if you take small doses, you can build up an immunity! YURI You--AUGH!--bastard... ROBIN That's the spirit! Come Claude, bring our two rookies to the shuttle! Then we have a party to attend! [Claude carries a cursing, semi-conscious Angel under each arm to a shuttle parked in the road. All enter, and the shuttle takes off.] ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Next: The Lovely Angels learn about life on board Lord Robin's fleet. A mystery is cleared up, and an annoying new friend is met.