THE DIRTY PAIR in "The Ballad of Lord Robin" by Ryan Mathews PART 3 The story so far: A madman named Lord Robin has been randomly destroying civilized planets with his own war fleet. Kei and Yuri are assigned the task of going undercover and joining Lord Robin's crew, in order to learn the names of all of the man's contacts, as well as the means he uses to warp his fleet directly into orbit around a planet, something that is supposed to be impossible. They are given subcutaneous transmitters implanted in their chests in order to signal a waiting UG attack fleet when they have accomplished their mission. The Angels go to a seedy bar on the planet Alderon, where they make contact, first with Robin's right-hand woman Kirsten, then with Lord Robin himself. He treats them to wine, which he then announces is tainted with a slow-acting poison. In order to obtain the antidote and join the crew, the girls are forced to undergo an "initiation" in which they must survive three of Lord Robin's assassins for thirty minutes. They do, and are told that the poison in fact has no antidote, but is not fatal. In horrible pain, and cursing Lord Robin, the girls are taken to the fleet. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- [Cut to a small living quarters with two beds, each with a sick Lovely Angel on it. Kei and Yuri wake up.] KEI [weakly] Morning, Yuri. You look like hell. YURI Same to you. And it's Percy, remember? Our room might be bugged. KEI What, you think they could hear *this* voice? YURI You have a point. (sniff) Phaugh! I need a shower. [She sits up.] UNGH! [She lays back down.] On second thought, maybe I'll just die right here. [The door slides open and in walks a short, cute girl. She has black hair braided into a pigtail and wears a black jumpsuit that is laced up the front.] HIYOKO Hi, there! KEI Who the hell are you... HIYOKO I'm your new next door neighbor! I'd just thought I'd stop by and introduce myself, do the friendly neighbor thing, you know! KEI Go away... YURI That's Cory. I'm Percy. And you're... HIYOKO Hiyoko! I'm sorta in charge of morale. Say, how'd you like me to take you on a tour of the ship? It's a *real big* ship, with all kinds of *real neat* stuff! You're gonna love this place, it's so keen! YURI Uhhhh...why not? Can't think of anything else I'd rather do. KEI Like maybe having a root canal... YURI Please ignore her. We've had a rough night. HIYOKO Oh, ha ha! I know what that's like! Me and my friend Kirsten went to this all night party on another ship! I swear I didn't walk straight for a day! Funny, though... [She gets thoughtful.] Most of the stuff they said I did I don't remember doing... [She brightens up again.] Ha ha! Isn't life funny? KEI Please let me hurt her... HIYOKO Oh, you two are so silly! I just know we're going to have loads of fun! [Cut to shower room, where Kei and Yuri wash off the remains of the previous night's activities. Hiyoko waits outside the door.] KEI Well, Percy, are we having "loads of fun", yet? YURI At least she was nice enough to bring us here first. We don't want to make a bad impression on the other crew members. KEI Gee, and me without my breath mints! If Jenna and Claude were any indication, we could bathe in barbecue sauce and no one would notice. HIYOKO [calling in] Is everything okay in there? YURI Fine! We sure picked a good time to hit the showers! There's nobody here! HIYOKO I know! It's probably for the best... YURI Huh? Why? HIYOKO Uhhhhhhh... I'll explain later. KEI So you, like, flushed everyone out of here? HIYOKO Well, it *is* 5:00 in the afternoon... KEI & YURI WHAT?! HIYOKO Gee, I guess you didn't know how long you'd been out, huh? Boy, you must have had a wild night! Ha ha! You just *have* to tell me all about it! Come on, get dressed and I'll show you the ship! [Cut to busy area of the ship. Kei, Yuri, and Hiyoko walk along a suspended bridge over a group of people performing some unknown task.] HIYOKO So! What do you think of the Skinny Puppy? KEI The what? HIYOKO I know, isn't that such a silly name for a ship? Lord Robin has such a sense of humor! YURI It sure is big. HIYOKO I know! It's the biggest, most powerful, neatest ship in the whole fleet! Come on! There's lots more to see! [Hiyoko runs off, and the girls follow. Cut to another hallway in the ship. Hiyoko comes running past a door into another room.] YURI Hey, wait! What's in there? HIYOKO Huh? Oh, computers and stuff. Boring. There's lots of neater stuff down here! [She runs off.] YURI Kei, we have to remember how to get back here. KEI You're the one the great memory. It's taking all my strength just to keep up with her! [Hiyoko can be seen at the end of a hallway, jumping up and down.] HIYOKO Guyyyyyyyys! Come onnnnnnnnn! KEI What do they feed her, anyway? [Cut to a large empty auditorium. About 1000 seats face a curtain-backed stage. Above the stage is a U-shaped balcony facing it. At the bottom of the "U" is a camera boom. Hiyoko sits in the boom and makes it swing around, while Kei and Yuri watch.] HIYOKO Whee! Hey, Cory, you wanna try? KEI I'll pass. YURI So, is this where Lord Robin makes his broadcasts? HIYOKO Yep! He keeps telling me he's gonna let me work the camera one of these days but he never does. Oh, well. [She jumps down.] Come on! Let's go downstairs! [She runs off again.] KEI [quietly] Great place for a sniper, eh, Yuri? HIYOKO Come ON, guys!! [Cut to the stage. Hiyoko climbs up the hard way while Kei and Yuri stroll around and take the steps.] HIYOKO I love the stage. It's my favorite place in the whole ship. Lord Robin's gonna make me a star, just you wait! KEI Let me guess, the next time the fleet is in a battle, he'll broadcast your singing to all the enemy ships. HIYOKO Oh, did he tell you? [Hiyoko looks out from the stage.] Check out the view. [At the back of the auditorium is a huge picture window. Through it can be seen what appears to be a bright orange mist with swirls of red and white.] YURI What is it? HIYOKO Outside, silly! Haven't you ever seen a window before? KEI Where *are* we? HIYOKO In orbit around Alderon! Boy, you two really *did* have a rough night! YURI If we're in orbit around Alderon, then where is it? HIYOKO Huh? [She looks confused for a moment.] Oh! No wonder you don't understand! It's real simple. See, Lord Robin invented this new way of travel called "half-warping"! You warp from one end but you don't materialize at the other! You sorta enter this "mock space". Then you're there, but you're sorta not there, you know what I mean? You can still move around. You can even go into orbit around other planets, but no one can see you or even touch you until you undo the half-warp and go back to regular space! YURI You mean the fleet doesn't really warp into orbit around a planet? HIYOKO Of course not! That isn't possible, is it? KEI Wait a minute. If we're in a mock space, aren't we sort of cut off? HIYOKO What do you mean? KEI Well, could a hyperspace signal get out? HIYOKO Mmmmmmm. No, I don't think so. We're completely cut off from the outside. Makes me mad 'cuz I miss all my cartoons. I don't really understand it though. I mean, it's easy for any of us to leave the mock space. Just get in a shuttle and fly far enough away from the Skinny Puppy. But that doesn't work for radio signals. I dunno, maybe they go too fast. KEI (sigh) Just great. HIYOKO Hmm? KEI Uh, it's just great that we're so safe here! HIYOKO Oh, you're as safe as can be in here, that's for sure! YURI Except for that window facing the auditorium. It could be hit during a broadcast. HIYOKO The guy would have to be real lucky. And besides, all the weak points are reinforced with force-field shielding. KEI Huh? Force-fields?! Where do you get the power for that? HIYOKO Ha ha! I'll show you! [Hiyoko runs down the steps, stops and turns around.] You guys are seriously gonna freak out! Come on! [She runs off again, and the girls follow.] [Cut to a large engine room. In the center of the room there is a large pedestal-like machine. On top of the machine is an inverted claw which seems to hold a glowing sphere of energy. The device is huge, and has several extensions that reach up to the ceiling. Technicians do maintenance on the device, some from a balcony halfway up the wall that allows them to reach the extensions. Yuri, Kei, and Hiyoko enter the room.] KEI & YURI Wow. HIYOKO I know, isn't it *awesome*? Hey, there's Tony! Hey, Tony! [Hiyoko runs up to one of the technicians and hugs him from behind, causing him to yelp and drop his tools. He turns around, recognizes her and returns the hug. Hiyoko grabs his hand and drags him over to where Kei and Yuri are standing.] Tony, meet Cory and Percy! This is Tony! Tony's my boyfriend! TONY Hey, you must be those rookies I've heard so much about! Hiyoko's been giving you the tour, huh? HIYOKO I thought maybe you could show them the half-warp drive. I mean, unless it's against rules or something. TONY No problem! If Lord Robin thinks you're fit for the Puppy, I figure I can trust you. [The four walk around the room. Kei and Yuri look around in wonder, while Hiyoko holds onto Tony's arm with both hands.] YURI What *is* that big ball of energy, anyway? TONY Well, it's sort of a big ball of energy! (laughs) Sorry, private joke. It would take a long time to explain exactly what it is. The device plays havok with the various dimensions in order to create the half-warp effect, and one of the side-effects is an immense feedback of energy, some of which shows up as that ball. Monitoring it helps us keep track of how the drive is performing. KEI Looks dangerous. TONY *Is* dangerous! One touch and you're a crispy critter. We'd shield it, but sometimes we have to lower instruments into it to take readings. As you can see, this thing requires constant maintenance. It's the first of its kind and far from perfect. HIYOKO So! Anyone hungry? TONY Sorry, I've got work to do. HIYOKO Awwwwwww, come on! Pleeeease? TONY Hiyoko, I can't. You know how important this is. The whole fleet operates off this one drive. Gotta keep it running! [Hiyoko grabs his arm and tries to pull him out of the room.] HIYOKO Come on, Tony, let's go eat! TONY Darling, I can't. I'll catch up with you at the meeting tonight, I promise. [Hiyoko lets go of Tony's arm.] HIYOKO Okay! Cory, Percy, come on! [Hiyoko runs out of the room.] YURI Uhhh, nice to talking to you! [The Angels run after Hiyoko. Cut to a large, busy cafeteria. The Angels have trays of food and sit opposite each other at a table. Kei leans over and talks quietly to Yuri.] KEI One heluva day, huh, Yuri? We know where the computer access is, we know a good place to shoot Lord Robin from and we know how to blow up the ship if we have to! YURI How do we blow up the ship? KEI C'mon, Yuri! One good shot at that whatchamacallit drive and I'll bet the whole ship'll go up like a supernova! In fact, that Tony guy said the other ships are slaved to that one drive. They'd probably go off like a string of firecrackers! YURI Uh-huh... 'Course, that *does* leave the teensy little problem of getting away ourselves. KEI Oh. Yeah. Still, we got a lot of good leads! [Kei looks at her plate.] You know, for a pirate fleet, the food doesn't look half-bad. YURI [smiling] Yeah, I noticed the two pieces of cheesecake. KEI Hey! I need my energy! This is a tough miss-- [Hiyoko joins them. Kei speaks up.] Oh, hi, Hiyoko! HIYOKO Are you enjoying your meal? YURI It's a lot better than we expected. HIYOKO That's the Skinny Puppy, for you! Only the best of everything! [pause, Hiyoko sits beside Yuri.] Which, um, is something I've been meaning to talk to you about. See, everyone aboard the Puppy is sort of Lord Robin's elite. We're all the best of whatever it is we do. Most of the crewmembers have served with him for at least five years. [Kei and Yuri look surprised.] Oh, yeah, this fleet's been around for a long time! We only just started doing our job. Anyway, Lord Robin must have had a good reason to assign you to this ship, but you're gonna have to put up with a lot of resentment. People worked hard to get on board the Puppy, so when Robin assigned two rookies here it pissed them off. Me, I don't mind. I like you! But I just wanted to warn you. KEI Don't worry. I think we can handle ourselves. JENNA Like you handled yourselves down on Alderon? [Kei turns around. Jenna and Claude have entered and stand behind the three.] If you can't put up more of a fight than you did yesterday, you two pixies ain't gonna last a week! KEI Oh, *yeah*!! You're REAL good when your opponent is barfing her guts out! Beat one of us in a fair fight, *then* open your mouth! JENNA You want a fair fight? Anytime. [Kei stands up. All attention is riveted on the confrontation. People begin to walk over.] YURI Uh, Cory... KEI Quiet, Percy. The day I can't handle an overblown bulldyke is the day I take up knitting. JENNA Oooh, ain't we tough? Give me your best shot... [Kei approaches Jenna. Suddenly, Kirsten is between them, facing Kei.] KIRSTEN Sit down. KEI Get the hell out of my way. HIYOKO Uh, Kirsten? Jenna sort of-- KIRSTEN Stay out of this, Hiyoko. HIYOKO Yes'm. KEI I'm warning you, I've got a mad on and you're in my way! KIRSTEN Then I'm afraid you'll just have to go through me. JENNA [to Claude] Oh, this should be amusing. [Kei turns as if to sit down, then wheels, feints a punch, and throws a right kick at Kirsten's head. Kirsten doesn't fall for the feint, catches Kei's leg on her arm, grabs it, pulls it forward, and nails Kei with a stiffarm to the face. Kei falls to the ground and wipes blood off her mouth.] KEI (pant) You're good. Real good. But there's one thing I'll bet you I'm better at. KIRSTEN And what would that be? [Kei grabs a plate of food and throws it into Kirsten's face. As Kirsten wipes her face, Kei punches her in the stomach, doubling her over. Kei then follows up with a kick to the head, knocking Kirsten to the floor.] KEI FIGHTING DIRTY!! KIRSTEN GrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRAHHHHH! [Kirsten goes berserk and tackles Kei, throwing her into more plates of food on a table. The two women, too close and too angry to indulge in tactical fighting, end up in an all-out cat-fight. The entire cafeteria crowds around the fight, cheering. Most cheer for Kirsten, but a vocal minority can be heard cheering for "Cory". Hiyoko stands on a table, crying.] HIYOKO [sobbing] Stop it! Please, stop it! [The girls continue to wrestle, neither one making any progress. Suddenly, the entire crowd goes dead silent. The circle parts, and Lord Robin enters. Both Kei and Kirsten freeze.] ROBIN Oh, please don't stop on my account! KIRSTEN Rob--...L-Lord Robin, she... We were... ROBIN You were bathing in the Chicken ala King, is what it looks like. Fascinating idea. Did you get it from Cosmopolitan? [Robin notices Hiyoko, who sits curled up on a table, sniffling.] Look what you've done. There, there... [Robin takes a handerchief from his pocket and wipes Hiyoko's red eyes.] Now, have you girls worked it out, or shall we move it to the arena, where we can have some proper wagering? KIRSTEN I've had enough. She's not worth it anyway. [Kirsten picks herself up and walks over to Lord Robin and kisses him. Kei glares at both of them.] ROBIN Yummy! You should have food fights more often. Okay, folks, the party's over! [The crowd disperses, and Kirsten and Robin leave. Kei gets up and wipes at herself.] YURI Cory, you alright? KEI Only hurt my pride. I owe her one. YURI What about you, Hiyoko? HIYOKO Oh, I'll be okay. I just hate to see friends fight. [looks at Kei and laughs] Hey, I guess you'll have to hit the showers again, huh? Kind of brings the day full circle, doesn't it? Ha ha ha! KEI Ha ha... ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Next: One "lead" proves worthless. The best-laid plans of Lovely Angels go astray when the next planet to be destroyed is chosen, and an attempt is made to head Lord Robin off at the pass.