THE DIRTY PAIR in "The Ballad of Lord Robin" by Ryan Mathews PART 5 The story so far: A madman named Lord Robin has been randomly destroying civilized planets with his own war fleet. Kei and Yuri are assigned the task of going undercover and joining Lord Robin's crew, in order to learn the names of all of the man's contacts, as well as the means he uses to warp his fleet directly into orbit around a planet, something that is supposed to be impossible. They are given subcutaneous transmitters implanted in their chests in order to signal a waiting UG attack fleet when they have accomplished their mission. Kei and Yuri succeed in joining Lord Robin's crew. To everyone's astonishment, Lord Robin assigns the Pair, who are going under the names Percy (Yuri) and Cory (Kei), to the Skinny Puppy, his elite flagship. There they meet Hiyoko, a child-like girl who claims to be "in charge of morale", and learn that the fleet does not actually warp directly into orbit, but instead enters a "mock-space" in which it becomes invisible and intangible to the outside universe. Yuri attempts to break into Lord Robin's computer system, but can't get past the crazy way the system is designed. Bad luck strikes when the next planet chosen for destruction is Zaedi, a planet on the far side of the galaxy from where the previous attacks took place. The girls' transmitters cannot possible reach the fleet from this distance. The Angels appropriate a shuttle and attempt to beat Lord Robin's fleet to the planet, but the paranoid Zaedi military destroys their shuttle when they enter the atmosphere. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- [As the chunks of debris fall to the ground, one of the larger pieces puts out a parachute. The escape pod drifts for awhile, finally landing in a large city, in a fountain in the city square. As it lands, a hovertruck arrives at breakneck speed, opens, and disgorges about a dozen heavily armed police who surround the fountain. The hatch on the pod opens and Kei and Yuri can be heard from inside the pod.] KEI Oof! Dammit, I'm upside down! YURI Hey! Watch the hair! [Kei's head pops out of the hatch. She notices the company.] KEI Oh! How nice! They've sent a welcoming party. YURI [still inside the pod] Tell them we need to talk to the government! KEI Uh... Take me to your leader? [Cut: Kei and Yuri are in the back of a high-tech paddy wagon, hands cuffed behind their backs with large, heavy, one-piece cuffs. The driver and his partner can be seen through a transparent panel. Kei is having a fit, but Yuri seems oddly calm.] KEI You know, you're making a big mistake! DRIVER Um-hum. KEI We're 3WA!! DRIVER Then where's your ID? KEI I said we're undercover, you morons! DRIVER [to his partner] Gee, Brent, waddya you think? Strip search? BRENT Coolness... [Kei starts writhing, trying to get out of the cuffs.] KEI YOU GOD-DAMN-STUPID-LOUSY-SHIT-BASTARD-CREEP-STINKING--! [The truck stops suddenly throwing Kei and Yuri against the transparent panel. Several cars ahead, a bag woman in a hooded bathrobe is pushing a cart down the middle of the narrow road, whistling and weaving.] DRIVER [out of the window] Hey! Move it! [He blows the horn with no effect. The driver gets out and approaches the woman.] C'mon! You're holdin' up the traffic! [As he grabs the woman's arm, she wheels and shoves a knife into his chest. The driver chokes up blood and collapses. The woman then removes the robe, revealing herself to be Jenna.] BRENT Holy shit! [Brent pulls a gun and leaps from the cabin.] Hold it! Don't move! I swear I'll blow you the hell away! [Walking along the side of the road is Spooky, wearing a cap. He stares at Brent, eyes glowing.] HUH? YYYERAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHH! [Blood explodes from Brent's eyes, ears, nose, and mouth. He falls forward.] KEI WOW!! Did you see that?! [Yuri gets a hand free.] YURI HA! I *knew* I could do it! It pays to have skinny wrists! [Quickly, Yuri gets her other hand free, then removes an earring.] I hope this thing is as sharp as Kueblestein said it was... [Using the earring, Yuri scores an "X" in the transparent panel, then begins to batter at the center of the "X" with the cuffs.] KEI That's weird. They aren't heading for the truck. Thought they'd want to steal it. [The back doors of the truck are ripped off their hinges, revealing Claude.] CLAUDE We have our own transportation, thank you very much. And *our* shuttle is armed. KEI SHIT! OUTTA THE WAY! [Kei pushes Yuri away and kicks at the panel. It breaks on the third try. Yuri throws the cuffs at Claude and hits him in the face, making him curse. She then whips off her chain belt with the weight at the end and begins whipping him in the face with it.] CLAUDE Dammit, girl! You're pissing me off! [Kei scrambles through the hole and gets in the driver's seat. Claude catches the chain and rips it out of Yuri's hand. Kei stomps on the accelerator and both Yuri and Claude go flying toward the open back. Yuri grabs a railing, and Claude grabs Yuri's leg, leaving him dangling half outside. Yuri screams and starts kicking him in the face with her other leg.] KEI Hold on! [Kei grabs the shift with her teeth, throws it into reverse, and slams on the gas again. Other cars careen out of the way.] CLAUDE Oh, SHIT! [Claude is crushed up against a building, which actually causes more damage to the truck than to him, but does get him to let go.] KEI Yuri! Get your butt up here and take over! [Yuri crawls into the driver's seat. She jumps the truck over the center of the road, causing several accidents and begins to drive off. Jenna takes the blade ring off her belt and throws it. It makes a deep gash near the bottom of the truck, then returns to her. She walks over to Claude.] JENNA Hey, you OK? CLAUDE [dusting himself off] I feel like a damn fool, but other than that, I'm fine. Hey, Spooks! You got a fix? JENNA No rush. They'll be on foot soon. [Cut to Kei and Yuri, driving down the highway at great speed.] KEI So. *Now* what the hell do we do? YURI Don't ask me! This was *your* plan, remember? KEI Yeah, well, my plan called for a little cooperation on the side of the locals. Hmm... I don't suppose they have a hyperspace 3V station on Zaedi? YURI [sarcastically] Sure! We'll just storm in, take the place by force, and broadcast the coordinates during the soap operas. KEI That's what I like about you. Always so helpful. [Yuri runs a light and barely misses several cars.] YIII! Dammit! One of these days, you have *got* to learn how to drive! YURI Oh, no... Why me? KEI What's wrong *now*? YURI NO BRAKES!! [The hovertruck curves wildly off the main highway and onto a smaller road, sending traffic into buildings, posts, pedestrians. The truck continues at breakneck speed, swerving wildly between lanes.] KEI Take your foot off the gas! YURI I have! This is a hovertruck! It'll coast forever! [The truck speeds toward an intersection, which is blocked by a huge cargo truck. Kei and Yuri scream. Yuri turns at the last instant, going down the wrong side of the road while the cargo truck swerves and plows into a fuel station, which explodes in a brilliant fireball. Yuri throws the truck onto yet an even smaller side-street with little traffic.] KEI Wait! I've got an idea! This thing won't coast if I turn it off! YURI KEI, NO--!!! [Kei leans back and kicks the ignition, sending it to the "off" position. The truck drops to the ground and skids, sending a shower of sparks behind it, then bounces and starts to flip and roll. Battered and crushed, the truck comes to rest in a deserted area. A teenage boy with short, curly, blonde hair walks up to the crash and looks inside at the two unconscious girls.] BOY No WAY! [The boy takes another look.] This is most excellent. Utterly bodiacious! [He calls to an unseen friend.] Dude, get over here! You are NOT going to believe this! [Cut to a bedroom. Kei and Yuri are together in a twin bed, covered by a sheet. Yuri wakes up and shakes Kei, who is no longer handcuffed.] YURI Hey. Wake up. KEI Mrmfle? Where are we? YURI Beats the hell out of me. Waking up in a strange room seems to be par for the course after fighting those guys. KEI What the--?! Is that *us* all over the walls? [The girls look at the walls, which are covered with photos of the Lovely Angels, official pictures, shots of them in action, plus pictures taken of them in civilian clothes. Along with the pictures are news clippings: "DIRTY PAIR SPOTTED JUST PRIOR TO LYRA DISASTER", "WWWA: `NO COMMENT' ON POSSIBLE NOLANDIA/DIRTY PAIR CONNECTION", "VIZORIUM BUST LEAVES 500,000 DEAD", etc.] YURI I don't know whether to be flattered or furious... [Kei flops back on the bed.] KEI I don't care anymore. After what we've been through, I don't think I can *be* surprised anymore. At least whoever it was was nice enough to take my cuffs off. [Kei props herself on one arm.] Hey, Yuri, is that Spooky guy a telepath? YURI I guess so. It would explain how that guy was killed, and also how they found us so easily the first time we fought them. Found us *twice*... KEI So why didn't he do that to us? YURI Maybe he couldn't see us in the truck. Or maybe they want us alive. KEI No, I mean the first time. When they definitely wanted us dead. YURI Oh. Gee, I don't know. You've got a point. KEI [sitting up] Maybe it has something to do with those freaky powers the higher-ups keep insisting we have-- [Kei eyes go wide.] Ohmigod. I'm naked. YURI What? [Yuri peeks under her sheet, then tugs it closer.] Eep! [Voices can be from behind the bedroom door.] BOY Now, remember, dude, it's "Lovely Angels", not "Dirty Pair". Calling them "the Dirty Pair" will elicit a majorly bogus reaction! OTHER BOY Will, dude! I'm on it! [The two boys enter: the boy with the short, curly, blonde hair, and a taller boy with shaggy black hair. The boys enter and put on an overacting display of coolness.] WILL (BOY) Ladies! I hope you're comfortable! Allow me to introduce myself. [Yuri yelps and pulls the sheet around her, partially exposing Kei.] I am the one and only Will S. Boston, Esq., and this excellent dude... [Kei yells and pulls the sheet back, partially showing Yuri.] ...is Theo Legan. THEO (OTHER BOY) Hi! [Kei and Yuri start a tug-of-war over the sheet.] WILL We are the charter members of the Lovely Angels Fan Club, a most excellent organization... [Kei and Yuri manage to wrap the sheet around both of them.] ...dedicated to spreading the word of the two most incredibly triumphant babes ever to hold a gun. KEI [muttering] Kill... YURI Lovely Angels...FAN CLUB?? WILL Well, we're just starting out. The membership's kinda small right now... THEO Just the two of us. WILL ...but we're planning a major convention. You two would be our most triumphant guests of honor, of course. THEO Would you like a copy of our newsletter? KEI [through clenched teeth] No, I'd like some CLOTHES!! WILL Oh, right! Dude! Fetch our guests' outfits! [Theo runs out of the room.] YURI Do you mind explaining why you undressed us? WILL Well, we like, *did* find you in a car wreck. We just had to make sure you were okay! It was, like, our civic duty, y'know? And Theo said he thought you looked like you were on the run from someone, so it would be, like major bad news to take you to a hospital. [Theo runs back in with two folded sets of clothes.] YURI You didn't do anything...else, did you? WILL Ladies! You wound me! Gentlemen of our calibre would never stoop to such heinous deeds. THEO Yeah! We didn't take any pictures of you--OW! [Will elbows him.] WILL I trust your clothes are satisfactory? [Still hugging the sheet with one hand, the girls unfold the clothes: WWWA female trouble consultant uniforms.] YURI These are real! How did you get ahold of these? KEI Who cares? Get the hell out of here, boys! YURI No, Kei, we can't wear these. We'll blow our cover. KEI What? I think our cover's *been* blown! Or haven't you noticed that people are trying to kill us?! THEO This is so bodacious... KEI & YURI Shut up! THEO No prob! YURI Look, I can't put my finger on it, but something just doesn't make sense. Well... Like, look at the equipment they used! Lord Robin's got high-tech to spare. Why not give Jenna or Claude something to just blow up the truck, or knock everyone in it unconscious? KEI I don't know! I don't care! I just want out of here! If that Spooky's a telepath, he'll probably be able to trace us now that we're awake. It's just a matter of time. YURI Oh, boys? WILL & THEO Yes?! YURI Could we please have our old clothes? WILL Uh, well, see... Theo sort of got a little overenthusiastic and like-- THEO Dude, like it wasn't all *my* fault. I only undressed one! WILL Well, they're sorta like ripped. Real bad. Like in half. KEI [barely controlling herself] I don't suppose you have anything *else* we could wear? THEO Well, nothin' that would fit. YURI Then could you go to a store and buy us something? WILL There's a store down the road! THEO No way, dude! I'm not buyin' women's clothes! That would mean like underwear and stuff, right? No way! Utterly bogus! YURI [trying to be charming] Tell you what. You go buy us new outfits, something close to what we were wearing before, and we'll let you help us in a Lovely Angels Adventure! [The boys eyes widen. So do Kei's.] WILL & THEO NO WAY!!! YURI Yes way! WILL Theo, there comes a time in one's life when a most triumphant opportunity presents itself and cannot be ignored. What do you say, dude? THEO Throw in autographs and you've got a deal! YURI No prob! WILL & THEO EX--CELLENT! --------------------------------------------------------------------- Next: Kei and Yuri settle some scores and get help from an even less- expected source than before.