THE DIRTY PAIR in "The Ballad of Lord Robin" by Ryan Mathews PART 6 The story so far: A madman named Lord Robin has been randomly destroying civilized planets with his own war fleet. Kei and Yuri are assigned the task of going undercover and joining Lord Robin's crew, in order to learn the names of all of the man's contacts, as well as the means he uses to warp his fleet directly into orbit around a planet, something that is supposed to be impossible. They are given subcutaneous transmitters implanted in their chests in order to signal a waiting UG attack fleet when they have accomplished their mission. Kei and Yuri succeed in joining Lord Robin's crew. To everyone's astonishment, Lord Robin assigns the Pair, who are going under the names Percy (Yuri) and Cory (Kei), to the Skinny Puppy, his elite flagship. There they meet Hiyoko, a child-like girl who claims to be "in charge of morale", and learn that the fleet does not actually warp directly into orbit, but instead enters a "mock-space" in which it becomes invisible and intangible to the outside universe. The Pair are distressed when the next planet to be chosen is Zaedi, a colony so far away from the UG fleet that the girls' transmitters can't possibly reach it. They appropriate a shuttle and reach Zaedi ahead of Lord Robin's fleet, only to have the paranoid Zaedi military shoot down their shuttle and take them into custody. The three assassins who tried to kill the girls during their initiation follow them to the planet and attack and kill their captors. Kei and Yuri barely escape capture by the assassins, making their escape in the paddy wagon. Unfortunately, one assassin damages the truck, causing Yuri to lose control and smash into a wall. The unconscious Angels are discovered by two teenage boys who claim to be their fan club. With autographs as an inducement, Yuri convinces the boys to help them escape. --------------------------------------------------------------------- [Cut to an alley that empties onto an average-sized road. It is the early evening. Kei, Will, and Theo wait in the shadows while Yuri keeps an eye on the road.] THEO Are you sure this is gonna work? KEI A variation of it worked for the people who nailed us. YURI Here comes a good one! Get ready! WILL [to Theo] Dude, you're on! THEO This doesn't seem as excellent an idea now that I think about it... [A truck begins to drive up.] Nope, no way dude! I've changed my mind! This is bogus! KEI Break a leg, kid! [Kei pushes Theo into the street. He yells and falls in front in of the truck, which screeches to a halt less than a meter away. The driver bolts out of the truck.] DRIVER Holy shit! Hey, kid! Kid, are you okay?! [Theo looks at the Angels, who make "go on" motions with their hands. He then puts on a great show of agony.] THEO Dude! Like, major pain! Internal injuries! Ah! Ah! [Will comes running out.] WILL Oh, god! Theo! Oh, no! What happened to you! This is most non-triumphant! This is heinous! [He looks at the driver.] You! You struck down this fine young man in the prime of his life! You-- you WEENIE! DRIVER Waaaaait a minute... He's not hurt. THEO Will? Will, dude, is that you? WILL Yes, Theo, it's me. You have to hang on! [The driver whistles and a huge man gets out of the truck and lumbers over.] THEO Will, dude, there's like this light, and, and I can hear angels, and they're like playin' these *bitchin'* guitar riffs... WILL [to the driver] I hope you're satisfied! This upstanding young citizen having to die in the street like a dog! If I were you, dude, I'd get myself a good lawyer. [The big guy lifts Will in the air by his shirt collar, choking him.] Or a big, burly guy with an attitude. That'll work. DRIVER All right, you little shit. What's your game? Who hired you? WILL They did. DRIVER "They" who? WILL The two girls who are stealing your truck. [The big man drops Will and turns around.] DRIVER What?! [Will and Theo run for it as the two men produce guns and start firing at the truck, which turns a corner and disappears. Cut to interior of the truck, which has pulled onto a highway. Yuri is driving.] YURI See, now that wasn't so bad, was it? We got ourselves some nifty transportation, all for the price of our signatures! KEI Yeah. 'Course, I would like know how they got that picture of us at a topless beach... Hey! If I'm not mistaken, those guys were shooting at us when we left. Maybe there's something interesting in the back! Mind if I have a look? YURI Sure! I can handle things up here. [Kei walks into the hold through a small door. The next thing she says is in the voice of a small child after being told that Christmas starts tomorrow and lasts a month.] KEI [from the hold] OH!!! YURI What's wrong? KEI [from the hold] Nothing's wrong! It's WONDERFUL! Oh BOY!! [A car pulls up beside Yuri. It is driven by Claude, while Jenna and Spooky sit next to him. Jenna waves hello, then pulls out a large gun.] YURI Uh, Kei? [Yuri ducks as Jenna fires. To everyone's surprise, the blast bounces off the window harmlessly.] Kei? You might wanna get up here! KEI [from the hold] Why? [Claude swerves and begins to ram Yuri's truck, attempting to force it off the road.] Oh! Are we being rammed? YURI You might say that! KEI [from the hold] Here! Give them this! [Kei's arm comes out of the hold and hands Yuri a beeping grenade.] YURI WAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! [Panicked, Yuri opens the window and tosses the grenade into the assassins' car. The three assassins bobble the grenade between them, then veer off and leap from the car just as it goes up in a terrific explosion. Kei and Yuri drive away. They park the truck in a deserted area and examine the hold, which is full of weapons. Like children in a candy store, they go through their haul.] KEI Pulse cannons, fragmentation grenades, land mines, seeker missles! Look at it all! Those guys must've been illegal arms merchants! [Yuri examines a small, shiny gun with affection.] YURI Smith and Wesson Series 17 Pulse Pistol. Accurate to 1500 meters. [She holds the gun to her side.] What do you think, Kei? Would this look nice in my holster? KEI Oh, you're always so concerned about appearance. Now *this* is a gun! [Kei hefts a mammoth machine gun. It is about as long as she is tall and fires bullets the length of a man's hand.] Can we keep it? Please-please-please? YURI Well, we should probably take care of our little assassin problem before we try the authorities again. And that telepath will most likely find us soon... KEI Oh, BOY!!! I haven't been this excited since my last date! YURI When was that? KEI Don't ruin it. [Cut to what appears to be a warehouse district. The area is deserted, save for Jenna, Claude, and Spooky, who slowly search the area with guns drawn. Jenna looks inquiringly at Spooky, who points ahead. Jenna nods and the three move forward. They are interrupted by shouts from their left.] KEI Hi, guys! [The three assassins whirl about, and see Kei and Yuri standing in the open in front of one of the warehouses.] YURI Where have you been? We've been waiting for you! We thought maybe we could talk this problem out like sensible people. KEI Yeah, why don't you come over here and we'll have a nice long chat! [Jenna looks at Claude, who nods.] JENNA Yeah, right. [Jenna and Claude pull up their guns and fire. The blasts hit an invisible screen in front of the Angels, which starts to glow and hum.] CLAUDE RUN FOR IT!! [A powerful, directional concussion blast emits from the screen. Jenna and Spooky run in one direction, Claude in the other. Jenna gets far enough away that the blast merely knocks her off her feet, but she loses her gun as she hits the ground. Claude, being not as fast, is sent flying through the air.] KEI That was AWESOME! I always wanted to try one of those! YURI Yeah. Too bad we couldn't convince them to walk through those land mines, though. You wanna take Claude? KEI You read my mind! [Jenna grabs her gun and jumps to her feet. A moment later the gun is shot out of her hand. Yuri stands there, holding her new pulse pistol on Jenna.] YURI Don't move. JENNA (laughs) God, you're stupid. [Jenna takes a couple of running steps toward Yuri. As Yuri fires, Jenna springs into a backflip, causing Yuri to miss. Jenna does two more flips, then in one fluid motion, takes her blade ring off her belt and throws it. Yuri's gun flies out of her hand in two pieces.] YURI OW! [Yuri looks at her hand. It is bleeding.] Dammit, I'm getting sick of that thing! JENNA Makes us even. I've been sick of you since I first laid eyes on you. Hold still, now... [Jenna once again throws the ring, but Yuri, with a perfectly timed move, catches it.] Wha--? [Cut to Claude, who is desperately searching for something.] CLAUDE Gun. Gun. Dammit, where's my gun?! KEI Gun? You mean one of *these*? [Claude turns around. Kei is holding the mammoth machine gun. It roars as she fires it, and Claude is rapidly pushed backwards toward a wall.] Waddya think of the "cute redhead" *now*, cyborg?! Huh?! HUH?!! [The gun runs out of ammunition. Claude collapses in a heap.] (pant) Guess I showed you, huh? (pant) You--you stupid bucket of bolts! [Claude springs to his feet. He is leaking fluid from several holes on his body, but otherwise seems undamaged.] CLAUDE Oh, yeah! Heh-heh! You sure showed me all right! Got anything else you'd like to shoot me with? [Kei's eyes go wide and her jaw drops, as well as her gun. Claude takes one look at her facial expression and bursts into laughter.] HAAA-HAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh God! The look-HAHAHAHAHA-the look on your face! It's PRICELESS! HAHAHAHAHA! [Kei's face turns red. With a look of death on her face, she unslings a compact grenade launcher from her back and centers the crosshairs right on Claude's laughing mouth. She fires.] CLAUDE HAHAHAHA-HRUK! [The grenade hits Claude right in his open mouth and knocks him back five meters. He lands on his back with the grenade lodged inside his mouth and tries to work it free. Kei walks up, holding a pistol.] KEI Well well well. Looks like it didn't go off. [She aims the pistol.] CLAUDE NUH! NUHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! [Claude tries to get to his feet, but Kei fires and Claude's head vanishes in a brilliant explosion. Cut to Yuri and Jenna, who hears the explosion.] JENNA CLAUDE!! [Seeing Jenna distracted, Yuri winds up and throws the blade ring at her, but misses. Jenna rushes her.] Last mistake you'll ever make, BITCH!! [The blade ring returns and hits Jenna in the back of the neck, slicing off her head. Yuri catches the ring again.] YURI HA! [She looks at the blade ring, dripping with blood.] EEYUGHK! [She drops it. Kei comes running over.] KEI I took care of mine! How about y-- wow. Guess you don't need my help. YURI Where's the last one? KEI Dunno. Haven't seen him since we separated them. [The girls look around.] Wait! Inside that building! [Sure enough, inside one of the taller warehouses can be seen a human shadow. The Angels head inside.] YURI There you are! We've been looking for you! [As soon as Spooky sees the girls, he bolts up the steps.] KEI Don't be stupid! You can only run so far in that direction! [Cut to roof. Spooky emerges from a door and frantically searches for somewhere to hide. Kei appears moments later, gun ready, followed by Yuri. Spooky shakes his head and waves his hands, backing up to the edge of the roof.] KEI I don't get this. You're the big scary telepath, why don't you just blow our minds like you did with that cop? You can't, can you? [Kei raises her gun.] Come with us or die. Your choice. [Spooky's eyes glow, and the ground under Kei's feet seems to ripple and flow. Kei staggers and fires wildly. One of the shots hits the roof under Spooky's feet and it crumbles. Spooky falls to his death, mouth open in a silent scream.] Wha--? Where'd he go? Did I lose him? YURI Sort of. [Cut to the front of the building. Kei and Yuri exit.] KEI So, what we do now? OFFICER Well, for starters, you're going to throw down your weapons. [The Angels look around. They are surrounded by at least fifty armed SWAT troops and five tanks.] KEI Great! You're just the people we want to talk to! YURI Your planet's in great danger! OFFICER Damn straight! But once we get you two in a prison, it'll be a whole lot safer! YURI No, you don't understand-- OFFICER What's not to understand? Piloting an illegal shuttle, escaping custody, illegal arms dealing, murder, all in a few hours! Hell, if it was someone else's planet, I'd admire you! KEI Dammit, listen to us! OFFICER [to the troops] Men, if they give you any trouble, if they so much as look at you funny, shred them. [A low-flying shuttle moves overhead.] Huh? What's this? [A pulse beam shoots from the shuttle and destroys a tank, causing panic. Further shots reduce the number of troops as well as tanks. The shuttle descends and hovers, and Hiyoko sticks her head out the window.] HIYOKO Cory! Percy! Come on! [Kei and Yuri get in the back seat and the shuttle takes off, dodging shots from the one remaining tank. Cut to interior of the shuttle. A driver in chauffeur's dress pilots the shuttle into the air.] HIYOKO Boy oh boy, am I glad I found you! I was worried sick! Don't you silly girls know what's going to happen to this place in an hour? YURI I, uh, guess we were just being impulsive. KEI How did you find us? HIYOKO Oh, that was easy! We just listened for the most violence, gunfire and explosions! Ha ha! You sure do like action, don't you! YURI Uh, yeah. Does Lord Robin know you went looking for us? HIYOKO Hahahahahahaha! Oh, you are so *funny*! Heeheehee! KEI Um, right, whatever. It was, uh, nice of him to let you come pick us up. I was sort of afraid he'd be mad. [The driver turns around. It's Lord Robin.] ROBIN I *am* a little mad. I just don't believe in training a dog with a flamethrower. Sort of misses the point, if you catch my gist, hmm? [Kei and Yuri are speechless.] Aren't you even going to say "hi" to your dear old Uncle Robin? I'm hurt. YURI Hi? ROBIN That's better! [He turns around.] KEI So, you... know what we've been up to? ROBIN Having a little fun on a dying world? Stealing yourselves new wardrobes? Of course! You think you're the first rookies to try something like that? Not very original. [A sensor on the control panel starts beeping.] Ohhhhhh, goody! They're sending us more playmates! Hiyoko, would you like to man the weapons this time? HIYOKO (Gasp!) Can I?! Oh thank you thank you thank you! [Three jet fighters hurtle toward the shuttle. Robin turns the shuttle tightly and heads back toward the fighters, flattening Kei and Yuri against the hull in the process. The fighters open fire, but Robin weaves the shuttle crazily, dodging the blasts.] ROBIN YEEEEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAA!! Take 'em, Hiyoko! [Hiyoko take hold of the weapon controls and begins firing the pulse cannons. One jet takes multiple hits and explodes. The other two escape unharmed. One circles back and fixes on the shuttle's tail.] HIYOKO Oh, no! I think that one's got a missle lock on us! I'll use that aft thingy. [A pulse cannon mounted on the rear of the shuttle destroys the tailing craft.] ROBIN You know, aft-mounted cannons make sooo much sense, it's a wonder they haven't caught on yet. [The third jet decides to quit fooling around and launches its entire load of seeker missles. They leave trails as they curve through the air, homing in on their target.] Seeker missles are so popular, but you know what the big problem with them is? [Robin's shuttle accelerates and maintains a constant distance between it and the missles.] If you make the mistake of firing them on a craft that can exactly match their velocity, you're screwed. For example. [Robin leads the missles back toward the last remaining jet. The pilot figures out what Robin is about to do and tries to escape, but the shuttle is faster. Robin flies the shuttle almost up the jet's tailpipe then pulls up. The missles strike the jet and destroy it. Hiyoko claps her hands and squeals with delight.] HIYOKO YEAH!! We did it! Cory, Percy, wasn't that *awesome*! [Kei and Yuri both look like they've gone on one too many roller- coasters.] KEI Just... YURI ...great... ROBIN Hold on to your last meal, ladies, I'm about to kick in the boosters! [A brilliant blast shoots from the engines and the shuttle accelerates to escape velocity. Moments later, the ship reaches orbit, which seems abandoned except for the shuttle.] YURI Lord Robin, if you don't mind my asking, what's going to happen to us? ROBIN Hmm. Perhaps I'll... BOIL YOU IN OIL! RIP OUT YOUR TOENAILS! SHOVE RED-HOT METAL RODS UP YOUR NOSE! MU-HU-HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! [Robin makes an "evil bogeyman" face, then breaks up laughing.] HIYOKO Come *on*, guys! What do you think Robin is? Some kinda monster? KEI Then we aren't going to be punished? ROBIN Of course you're going to be punished! I'm afraid you'll have to sit out the festivities. Ah, we've arrived. [Robin manipulates some controls. Space turns orange and the Skinny Puppy is suddenly in front of them, while behind them, Zaedi vanishes.] YURI You've never really explained to us what our duties are. ROBIN Well, since you're not going to be performing them this time, don't worry about it. [Cut to the Puppy's shuttle bay. The shuttle enters through the ceiling port and lands. As Robin gets out, Kirsten comes running up and embraces him.] KIRSTEN ROBIN! Thank god you're alright! I've been so worried ever since I heard you were going down yourself! Oh, darling, why do you take such risks? I don't know what I'd do if I lost you. [Robin cranes his head to look at Kei and Yuri.] ROBIN Cory, Percy, go to your quarters and clean yourself up. You scoot too, Hiyoko. HIYOKO Yes, sir. [The three girls leave. Robin gently pushes Kirsten away and looks into her eyes.] ROBIN Kirsten. Darling. My love... Someone seems to think that just because she's my lover she can do whatever she damn well pleases. [Robin pauses, and his expression turns extremely unfriendly.] If you value your face, don't ever try something like that again. [Cut to Kei and Yuri. They look out a window as Lord Robin's "festivities" begin. The view outside shimmers and changes from swirling orange to a view of Zaedi from orbit.] KEI There's nothing we can do, is there? [Yuri points.] YURI Looks like this planet is going to put up a fight. [Missles zoom toward the fleet, but all are destroyed by lasers before they reach their target.] KEI For all the good it did them. [The ship starts to hum and vibrate.] Here it goes... [Yuri turns around.] YURI Oh, I can't watch this. [The giant pulse cannons do their work, blasting the surface of Zaedi to rubble.] KEI It was a crummy planet. I doubt anyone will miss it. YURI How can you say that? Aren't you forgetting something?! KEI What? Oh. Right... I hope they don't suffer. [Cut to Will and Theo's place on the surface. Theo looks out the window and watches the approaching explosions.] WILL Dude! What's happening? THEO Looks like the planet's bein' blown up, dude. [Will and Theo look at each other.] WILL & THEO EX--CELLENT!! --------------------------------------------------------------------- Next: Yuri has a surprise encounter. Another surprise finds the Pair in need of quick action.