THE DIRTY PAIR in "The Ballad of Lord Robin" by Ryan Mathews PART 8 The story so far: A madman named Lord Robin has been randomly destroying civilized planets with his own war fleet. Kei and Yuri are assigned the task of going undercover and joining Lord Robin's crew, in order to learn the names of all of the man's contacts, as well as the means he uses to warp his fleet directly into orbit around a planet, something that is supposed to be impossible. They are given subcutaneous transmitters implanted in their chests in order to signal a waiting UG attack fleet when they have accomplished their mission. Kei and Yuri succeed in joining Lord Robin's crew. To everyone's astonishment, Lord Robin assigns the Pair, who are going under the names Percy (Yuri) and Cory (Kei), to the Skinny Puppy, his elite flagship. There they meet Hiyoko, a child-like girl who claims to be "in charge of morale", and learn that the fleet does not actually warp directly into orbit, but instead enters a "mock-space" in which it becomes invisible and intangible to the outside universe. The Pair are distressed when the next planet to be chosen is Zaedi, a colony so far away from the UG fleet that the girls' transmitters can't possibly reach it. The Angels take a shuttle and arrive at Zaedi ahead of Robin's fleet in an attempt to warn them, but their attempts are thwarted by three assassins, sent by Kirsten, Robin's right-hand woman, as well by the paranoid Zaedi military, and the girls are forced to accept a rescue by Lord Robin himself, who was apparently unaware of what they were doing. The next day, Yuri gets lost and stumbles upon Lord Robin, who is dancing in a private studio. She ends up dancing with the man and beats him in chess before the night is over, and he is intrigued by her enough to request a dinner date for the next night. The day after, Lord Robin holds another spinning of the wheel to choose the next planet to be destroyed, which he forces to be Earth. The Pair decide to take immediate action. The fleet is due to drop out of half-warp for maintainence. The plan is as follows: while Yuri keeps Lord Robin occupied, Kei will activate her transmitter, bringing the UG fleet for a surprise attack. --------------------------------------------------------------------- [Cut to the engineering room, dominated by the huge half-warp energy bubble. Tony is present with three other engineers.] TONY Okay, synchronize with me and we'll bring it down. On ten, got it? [The other engineers nod, say "yes", etc.] Alright, then. 10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1... [Cut to a view of deep space. With a flash, Lord Robin's fleet materializes. Cut to entrance to Lord Robin's quarters. Yuri approaches and rings the doorbell.] ROBIN [from inside] Enter freely and of your own will! [The door slides open. Inside is Lord Robin in an exaggerated dinner suit. The lights are dimmed and candles are set on the table.] YURI Whoa. I think I'm a little under-dressed. ROBIN Nonsense, my dear! Why, I hear frumpiness is all the rage on some of the more well-to-do colonies! Look! [He motions toward the window.] I've arranged for the stars to be out tonight. Why don't you do a little stargazing while I go grab the victuals? [Robin briefly walks into a kitchen and returns with the meal.] Hope you like it, I cooked it myself. YURI Really? I wouldn't think... ROBIN That I could cook? Why not? Just because I blow up the occasional planet? Or maybe men who cook aren't man enough for you! If you like, I could lift some weights or beat up an underling. YURI [smiling] Let's just eat. ROBIN Now *there's* a sentiment I can agree with! [Cut to Kei in the Angels' quarters.] KEI Be careful, Yuri. [Kei reaches into her shirt. Cut to a view of the United Galactica attack fleet. On the bridge of the flagship, an Admiral sits in the command chair and watches the array of small viewscreens that ring the main screen, which shows only stars. A loud tone is heard, and on one screen that shows a map of the local area of space, concentric circles play out from a point.] ENSIGN Sir! Recieving a hyperspace signal conforming to the pattern we were given! ADMIRAL At last! All right, this is it! Fleet Admiral to all ships! I can now reveal to you the nature of our mission. If our information is correct, the fleet of Lord Robin is the source of the hyperspace signal we all just received. We are going to going to put an end to that planet murderer once and for all! All hands battle stations! Set warp coordinates to the source of that signal and move out! [Alarms sound in all the ships in the fleet. Crew members run to and fro, taking their positions. In a launch bay, pilots suit up and board attack craft. The entire fleet glows, then vanishes in a flash of light as they enter warp. Cut to the bridge of the Skinny Puppy, where the signal has also been noticed.] BRIDGE 1 What the hell was that? BRIDGE 2 Hyperspace signal. Powerful son-of-a-bitch, too. BRIDGE 1 Signal? Where from? One of our ships? BRIDGE 2 Unless they've found a way of making ships invisible, it must be. I'd better call Lord Robin. BRIDGE 3 Uh-uh! I wouldn't do that if I were you! He left very explicit instructions not to be disturbed. I hear he's entertaining one of those rookies. BRIDGE 2 Oh. Guess I'll call Kirsten then. Man, I hope I don't have to tell her where her lover is... [Cut to Robin and Yuri, who is laughing uncontrollably.] ROBIN Hey, stop that! If you choke on the lobster and die, it'll really bum out my evening! YURI I can't help it! You're so funny! ROBIN I'm funny? Boy, will Kirsten be disappointed! YURI HAHAHA! That's not what I mean!! [Yuri continues to try to get herself under control. Robin watches for a bit, then his smile fades slightly.] ROBIN Percy, would it be alright with you if I dropped the Lord Robin crap? [Yuri stops laughing.] YURI Huh? ROBIN Oh, come on. You're a very perceptive girl. I can tell that just by looking at you. Surely you didn't fall for this act. YURI I guess I'm just surprised that you're letting your guard down in front of me. ROBIN It gets real tiresome being a comedian twenty-four hours a day. But it works. In all the years I've run this fleet, I've not had one serious rebellion. It's not that there aren't those who want to rebel. They just don't know how. Nobody can figure me out long enough to plan an attack. YURI That's a...different way to run a pirate fleet. ROBIN Like it? I stole the idea from a twentieth-century comic book. I took my name from a comedian of that era as well. See, the underlying principle is this: if you're crazy and a nobody, everyone laughs at you. But if you're crazy and powerful, everyone is terrified of you. The sillier you act, the more your underlings are convinced you're acting out some intricate plan. You get an awful lot of respect. Hell, people will die for you, though I didn't expect that. Well, aren't you going to ask? YURI Ask what? ROBIN Who I really am. YURI Okay, who are you really? ROBIN Boris Hochstetter. But you can call me "Bo". [Yuri shakes her head and shrugs.] Figures. Why should a young girl remember Serpiens Seven? It was a while ago. YURI You're from Serpiens Seven? Oh, god... ROBIN So you *have* heard of it. YURI Of course I've heard of it. The last great planetary civil war within the United Galactica-- ROBIN And I was the last ruler. [pause, Yuri stares at him.] You see, Serpiens Seven was a very young colony when we got it into our collective heads to join the great and powerful United Galactica. We joined perhaps a bit earlier than we should have. There were two independent political entities on the planet, and these were hastily joined under a coalition government with myself, the great world-government activist, as its elected head. Unfortunately this coalition turned out to be more of a pipe dream than anything else, and skirmishes began once more to break out between the two sides, as they had for decades. I swiftly found myself the head of a government that had no power. I called on the UG for help, only to be told that they would not involve themselves in local politics. I contacted the WWWA. They told me they only dealt with crime. So I did the only thing I could do: nothing. I just waited and hoped and prayed that the two sides would work it out between themselves. [pause] And they did. One side took control of the planet's nuclear arsenal. The other took over the planetary defense satellites and turned them inward. Thirty minutes later, Serpiens Seven was a glowing ball of slag. YURI I...I'm sorry... ROBIN Oh, I survived. I stayed deep in my bunker that was one of the perks of being a world leader. But my home, my family, my entire world was destroyed. All that I had left was a burning hatred of the United Galactica. That and Serpiens Seven's stockpile of precious metals. So after waiting a few months for the UG to notice we weren't there anymore and to send help, I decided I would be damned if I would allow the UG to continue its lie. YURI What lie? I don't understand... The UG-- ROBIN Promises its members that they will be protected. Bull. Let's think about something here. In the year 2000, if you don't count Earth's lunar colony, mankind existed on one world. Today, 142 years later, we've colonized over 3,000! Work out the math; that's over twenty new worlds a year! A planet reaches full colony status on the average of every other week these days. And the UG wants to tell us it can keep up? Bullshit!! No, Percy, the newer worlds, those on the fringes of known space, have to fend for themselves. They shouldn't delude themselves that the UG is always going to be there. YURI So that's why we're destroying planets? To prove a point? ROBIN Partly. And partly I'm hoping the panic and fear will force the UG to splinter into smaller organizations that can better serve their constituents. You see, Percy, I'm not quite the monster you think I am. YURI Oh, I've never thought of you that way. Not since I met you. I guess I still don't understand how you can do it. ROBIN Yeah, well maybe I don't...never mind. Would you like to hear something? [Robin walks over to a piano and begins to play a slow, soft melody.] YURI It's...beautiful. ROBIN It was the Serpiens Seven national anthem. YURI An anthem? It sounds more like a love song. ROBIN It is. "Love Will Light Our Path". It's too bad we couldn't live by the words. [Robin continues to play. Yuri hums along, then improvises a harmony. Robin listens for a moment, then is overcome by emotion and has to stop playing. He regains control.] You know the funniest thing? Until our little chat the other day, I couldn't remember how it went. YURI What about Kirsten? ROBIN What about her? YURI She loves you. ROBIN She loves Lord Robin. Lots of women have loved Lord Robin. One loved Lord Robin so much that when she figured out she couldn't have him, she went to a 3WA meeting and proved her love for him by killing a lot of people before being nailed by one of her own partners. Yes, Lord Robin's quite the ladykiller. [Robin walks over to Yuri and gently takes her by the shoulders.] Kirsten's a very beautiful woman, and quite driven. But she's not much for dancing, she can't play chess, she doesn't sing... She's nothing at all like you. [Robin leans over and kisses Yuri, who doesn't resist. They kiss for a few seconds, until they are interrupted by the ship rocking violently.] What the hell? [Robin runs to the window and looks out.] Well, what do you know. We're under attack. Duty calls, Percy. Get yourself someplace safe. That's an order! YURI Uh...okay. [Robin rushes out of the room.] [Cut to exterior view. The UG fleet approaches, firing laser cannons intermittently. Cut to the bridge of the flagship.] ADMIRAL [to communications officer] Any response from Lord Robin's fleet? COMM Negative, sir. ADMIRAL Continue hailing. All battleships, maintain firing rate! All craft-carriers, prepare to launch all fighters! [Cut to launch bay. Fighters begin launching and head toward Lord Robin's fleet in formation. Cut back to the flagship's bridge.] ADMIRAL Comm, record the following message to send to the enemy. "Lord Robin. This is your final warning. Surrender now or face the destruction of your fleet." Send that. COMM Aye, sir. [The communications officer secretly slips a data chip out of his sleeve and sticks it into a slot.] Sending now, sir. [Cut to the bridge of the Skinny Puppy. Kirsten is apparently in command, as Lord Robin arrives, still dressed in his dinner suit.] KIRSTEN Where the HELL were you? We've been trying to contact you for nearly half an hour! And--and what that you're wearing?! ROBIN This is my first war, darling! I wanted to dress up for it! Now be a good little girl and shut up. [Kirsten does so, but looks extremely pissed. Robin sits in the command chair.] Okay! All hands battle stations! Maintain the shields, man the pulse cannons, launch the F-242's, and swab the poopdeck! Oh, and tell Hiyoko she's on. BRIDGE 1 Sir? You're joking, right? ROBIN Me? Joke? Where did you ever get that idea? Have Hiyoko report to the auditorium! It's time for her big debut! [Robin leans back in his command chair.] Let's have ourselves a war, shall we? [Cut to Kei watching the approaching fleet through a large window. Yuri joins her.] KEI How'd it go? YURI Better than I expected. What happened? How come you aren't on the run? KEI Beats me. I guess they're just too busy to search for the traitor right now. Yuri, will this really work? [Kei holds one of her earrings in her hands. She squeezes it and it emits a bright flash of light.] YURI Kueblestein thought it would. We just have to hope someone's looking at us, that's all. Morse code may be a primitive way to communicate, but it still works. [Cut to the launch bay of the Puppy. Scores of fighters, jet black save for a yellow smiley-face on each wing, launch and head for the UG fleet. Cut to the bridge of the UG flagship.] ENSIGN Sir! They've just launched a wave of fighters! ADMIRAL No surrender then. All hands, all ships! Full attack, NOW!! [All hell breaks loose. The UG fleet cuts loose with full lasers; the fleet counters with its pulse cannons. Serious hits and explosions can be seen on both sides. The fighters fly and engage, both sides taking losses in a continuous dogfight. Cut to Kei and Yuri, who hold on for dear life as the deck rocks.] KEI I'd never thought I'd say this, but I'm glad Lord Robin spent the bucks for the force-field shielding! YURI We should go to our quarters. It's deeper inside. KEI No way! I wanna see this! Besides, we still have to signal! [Cut to a dressing room, where Hiyoko is being attended by a makeup artist.] HIYOKO Ohhhhh, I'm so nervous! VOICE Miss Hiyoko, you're on! MAKEUP Break a leg! HIYOKO Thanks! I'm coming!! [Cut to the bridge of the Puppy.] ROBIN Comm officer! Did you get that code from our informant in the UG fleet? BRIDGE 1 Yes, sir! ROBIN Good. Key it in, would you? And link in the feed from the auditorium. BRIDGE 1 Oh! I get it now! Doing it now, sir! [Cut to the bridge of the UG flagship. All of the screens, including the big one that shows them where they are, go blank and are replaced by a picture of Hiyoko.] ADMIRAL What the hell??! What is this? COMM I, uh, don't know, sir! It's on all channels. ADMIRAL Well, *clear* it! COMM I *can't*! HIYOKO Hi, everyone! Welcome to my very first concert! I'd like to dedicate this first song to my friends Cory and Percy! [Music starts up: that awful song from Robotech.] "Stage lights, flashing, The feeling's thrashing! My heart and soul belong to yoooooooo! And I'll keep on singing! Eardrums are ringing! Doo doo de doo-doo doo-doo doooooo!" ADMIRAL Dear Lord. We're blind, deaf, and dumb. [Cut to Kei and Yuri.] KEI What the...? The UG fleet! It's like it's lost all sense of coordination! [Sure enough, as the girls watch, two UG battleships collide. Enemy pulse cannons hit the damaged area, and both ships explode. Cut to the interior of a UG fighter. The comm screen in the cockpit also shows only Hiyoko.] HIYOKO "And the way my voice squeals, Is really unreal! La la la la la la la LAAAAAAAAA! This is my night to be a STAAAAAAAR!" PILOT [frantic] Blue-7 to Blue leader!! Blue-7 to Blue-leader!! I've been hit! I need assistance! [Two of Robin's fighters zoom in and fire.] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! [The fighter explodes.] [The battle continues, going increasingly against the UG forces. The UG fighters are destroyed like so many sitting ducks. The battleships and craft-carriers are also at the mercy of Lord Robin's fleet as each gunner on the ship must fight on his or her own. Kei and Yuri watch the battle with increasing distress.] KEI We have to *do* something! YURI You're right. Stay here. I'm going to engineering. KEI You're going to blow up the engines? I want in! YURI No, I'm going to help fix them! KEI What? You-- you're joking, right? YURI What good would destroying the engines do? This isn't the side that needs to run away! KEI But if you blew up the half-warp-- YURI The half-warp is off-line, Kei, blowing it up wouldn't make a shred of difference! I don't have time to argue! [Yuri runs off.] KEI No! Yuri, come back! [Kei tries to chase after her, but the deck shudders once again and she falls down.] Damn you, you can't *do* this!! [Cut to the bridge of the Skinny Puppy. The atmosphere is more like a party than a battle, as the entire bridge cheers each new victory. The only one who doesn't seem to be completely enjoying the battle is Lord Robin, although the bridge crew is too busy celebrating to notice.] BRIDGE 1 Hey, look! There goes another one! [On one of the large screens, a UG battleship breaks up and explodes.] BRIDGE CREW YEAH!!!! WOOOO!! ALL RIIIGHT!! BRIDGE 2 We are kickin' some serious ass! BRIDGE 3 Lord Robin sir! Aardvark, Groucho, and Williams squadrons request permission to converge on the UGS Toren! It's the only battleship in their fleet that hasn't been seriously damaged. ROBIN Well then, permission granted! No reason why they should be left out of the fun! BRIDGE 1 Hey! Wanna see something real cool! That channel we're jamming them with goes both ways! They can't talk to each other but we can see them! Look at this! [The officer hits some buttons and a panicked, young, female communications officer appears on one of the viewscreens.] Awww, isn't she cute? [The bridge crew laughs, except for Lord Robin, who looks like he's seen a ghost. Except for the short hair and slightly darker skin, the ensign is a dead ringer for Yuri.] ENSIGN [on the screen] Switching power to channels B and C! Altering frequencies to pattern Epsilon! If you can hear me, respond! Anyone, please respond! HIYOKO [on another screen] My next song is dedicated to a very special man I know! Hi, Tony! [Music starts again: that other awful song from Robotech.] "To be in love Is something something something that a girl can feel..." ENSIGN It's not working, captain! Nothing I try works! [The image shakes violently and a powerful jolt of energy flows from the shorted-out board through the ensign, killing her.] EEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAGGGHHH! [The board explodes, tearing her face apart before the screen goes dark. Lord Robin sees this and looks as if he is going to vomit. He turns to hide his face from the crew.] BRIDGE 2 Man o MAN! Did you see that! BRIDGE 4 Boy, is she going to need a plastic surgeon or what? [The bridge crew laughs hysterically as Lord Robin, face pale, tries to get himself under control. Cut to the engineering room, where the crew is not having as much fun. Tony and the three other engineers dash madly about trying to stabilize the massive half-warp system. Yuri enters the room at a run.] TONY Okay! Alright! We'll try it again--Percy? YURI Is there anything I can do to help? I haven't been given any other duties. TONY Is there ever! Every hit on that damned force field shielding changes the parameters of the system here! We just need one more pair of hands to stabilize it! YURI Show me what to do. [Tony leads Yuri over to a console.] TONY It's simple. All you do is keep the power level, that's this indicator here, between these two lines. This knob controls the power. Can you handle it? YURI I can handle it. TONY Thanks, Percy, you're a godsend. Okay, people! Let's get it right this time! [The battle rages on. Scores more UG fighters are destroyed, as well as a craft-carrier. Cut to the bridge of the Puppy.] BRIDGE 2 Sir! Engineering reports the half-warp drive is back on-line and ready! [Lord Robin contorts his face into a semblence of his usual giddy self and turns around.] ROBIN Excellent! Call all the fighters back and prepare to jump into mock-space. [The bridge goes silent.] BRIDGE 2 But sir, we're winning. ROBIN That's strange, I don't seem to recall asking your opinion. Is my mind going or yours? BRIDGE 2 Uh, y-yes, SIR! [He hits a switch on his board.] All fighters, return to dock! Repeat, all fighters return to dock! BRIDGE 1 No, man, Lord Robin's right! We gotta save our strength! Remember where we're goin' next?! BRIDGE CREW EARTH!! EARTH-EARTH-EARTH-EARTH-EARTH!! [As his crew chants and celebrates, Lord Robin leaves the bridge. The fighters all break off and return to their respective ships. Moments later, Lord Robin's fleet glows and vanishes. Cut to Yuri and Kei's quarters. Yuri enters. Kei is sitting on her bed, facing away from the door. She doesn't turn around. Her face looks like she's been crying.] YURI Well, for better or worse, it's over. I'm glad you're okay. KEI I'm not going to talk to you, so don't waste your breath. YURI Wh-what? KEI I don't talk to traitors. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Next: The plots of a scorned lover bring everything tumbling down. The Angels learn once again that looks are deceiving, and all hell breaks loose in the conclusion to "The Ballad of Lord Robin".