THE DIRTY PAIR in "The Ballad of Lord Robin" by Ryan Mathews PART 9 The story so far: A madman named Lord Robin has been randomly destroying civilized planets with his own war fleet. Kei and Yuri are assigned the task of going undercover and joining Lord Robin's crew, in order to learn the names of all of the man's contacts, as well as the means he uses to warp his fleet directly into orbit around a planet, something that is supposed to be impossible. They are given subcutaneous transmitters implanted in their chests in order to signal a waiting UG attack fleet when they have accomplished their mission. Kei and Yuri succeed in joining Lord Robin's crew. To everyone's astonishment, Lord Robin assigns the Pair, who are going under the names Percy (Yuri) and Cory (Kei), to the Skinny Puppy, his elite flagship. There they meet Hiyoko, a child-like girl who claims to be "in charge of morale", and learn that the fleet does not actually warp directly into orbit, but instead enters a "mock-space" in which it becomes invisible and intangible to the outside universe. The Pair are distressed when the next planet to be chosen is Zaedi, a colony so far away from the UG fleet that the girls' transmitters can't possibly reach it. The Angels take a shuttle and arrive at Zaedi ahead of Robin's fleet in an attempt to warn them, but their attempts are thwarted by three assassins, sent by Kirsten, Robin's right-hand woman, as well by the paranoid Zaedi military, and the girls are forced to accept a rescue by Lord Robin himself, who was apparently unaware of what they were doing. The next day, Yuri gets lost and stumbles upon Lord Robin, who is dancing in a private studio. She ends up dancing with the man and beats him in chess before the night is over, and he is intrigued by her enough to request a dinner date for the next night. The day after, Lord Robin holds another spinning of the wheel to choose the next planet to be destroyed, which he forces to be Earth. The Pair decide to take immediate action. The fleet is due to drop out of half-warp for maintainence. The plan is as follows: while Yuri keeps Lord Robin occupied, Kei will activate her transmitter, bringing the UG fleet for a surprise attack. At the dinner date, Yuri learns the true identity of Lord Robin: Boris Hochstetter, last and only planetary ruler of Serpiens Seven. Robin hates the UG for having done nothing while his planet destroyed itself in a nuclear war. By sowing terror among the planets of the UG, he wants to force it to break apart. Lord Robin seems to be falling in love with Yuri. The UG attack fleet arrives, but an agent on board the flagship passes a code to Lord Robin's fleet that allows him to take over their entire communications and sensor system. In a grotesque parody of MACROSS, Robin pipes Hiyoko's singing to all the UG ships and fighters, in order to jam all their communications, including their sensor screens. The battle is a massacre for Robin's forces, but he is sickened by his crew's enjoyment of the carnage, especially when a pretty young ensign who looks much like Yuri is killed on screen. Not being able to stand by as the UG forces are slaughtered, Yuri helps Robin's engineering crew fix the half-warp drive on the assumption, correct, that Lord Robin would leave the battle. This breaks Kei's heart, as she accuses her friend of being a traitor and will not speak to her. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- [Cut to the bridge of the Skinny Puppy. The crew member we know only as "BRIDGE 1" arrives and takes his seat.] BRIDGE 1 Hi, mates! What's the scoop? BRIDGE 2 We're still holding position. BRIDGE 1 Still? Why? What's Lord Robin doing? BRIDGE 2 You tell me. No one's seen or heard from him for three days. [Cut to the Angels' quarters. Kei and Yuri lie on their beds, looking away from each other. Kei rolls over.] KEI Look, Yuri... I'm sorry, okay? [Yuri rolls over.] YURI That's alright. Are we talking now? KEI Sure. You were right, I guess. I just can't figure out how you knew Lord Robin would retreat. I mean, he was *winning*! By a large margin! YURI It was just a feeling I got from talking to him. This may sound weird, but I don't think that Robin's the mass-murdering type, deep down inside. How he manages to do it is beyond me. [Yuri stands up.] Kei? KEI Yeah? YURI We're still friends, right? KEI Of course we are! [Kei and Yuri hug. The door slides open and Hiyoko walks in.] HIYOKO Oh! I'm sorry! Am I interrupting something? I can come back! [Kei and Yuri hastily disengage.] KEI No! No! Nothing! YURI Yes! Fine! We're just fine! HIYOKO That's good! Can we go someplace to talk? I have something kinda important I have to show you. KEI Can't you show us in here? HIYOKO Ha ha! Don't be silly! It's not *in* here! YURI What the hell. Lead on. HIYOKO Great! Come on, guys!! [Hiyoko runs down the hallway and the Angels chase after her. Cut to Lord Robin's quarters. The lights are dimmed, and Robin silently looks out the window. The doorbell beeps.] ROBIN Who is it? KIRSTEN [on speaker] Me, Kirsten. ROBIN (sigh) Come in. [Kirsten enters and walks up to Robin.] KIRSTEN What do think you're doing? ROBIN I think I'm fighting off a herd of crazed wildebeests with only my bare hands and a bazooka. What do *you* think I'm doing? KIRSTEN You know what I mean. ROBIN Ah, so now I'm telepathic, too? I swear, I just keep getting more powerful every day. KIRSTEN Robin, why won't you talk to me? It's been three days. You just stay in this room by yourself. I don't even know if you've been eating. [Kirsten pauses, but Robin just continues to look out the window. Kirsten walks up behind Robin and wraps her arms around him.] It hurts me to see you like this. I wish you'd talk to me. I miss you. You know how much I need you... ROBIN Don't. [Robin irritatedly shakes her loose. He walks over to a sofa and sits in it, looking at the floor.] KIRSTEN So what are you planning to do? ROBIN I don't know. Maybe I'll learn to yodel. Always wanted to. KIRSTEN Will you KNOCK IT OFF?!! Dammit, Robin, are we going to attack Earth or not?! ROBIN Oh, for crying out loud, Kirsten. We were *never* going to attack Earth. That was just meant to shake up the troops a bit. They were getting overconfident. You honestly mean to tell me that you fell for that? KIRSTEN Ahhh. I see it now. Our one-sided victory over that attack force sort of screwed up your plans, didn't it? Now you can't pull out of the Earth attack without losing face. ROBIN And now she's a military analyst. Is there no end to her abilities? [Kirsten sits down next to Robin and puts an arm around him.] KIRSTEN Look, it's simple. We attack Earth. We lose. I mean, we don't really have a chance, do we? You zap into mock-space before all is lost. No more overconfidence, we go back to what we were doing. ROBIN Oh, yeah. Real simple. And if the fleet is so dejected by the loss that they can't continue? KIRSTEN A good pep talk will fix that. You're good at those. ROBIN Kirsten, I think it's time I called an end to this. [Kirsten pulls back, stunned.] KIRSTEN WHAT?! I--I don't believe I'm hearing this! What happened to the "great plan"? We were going to bring the United Galactica to its knees! ROBIN I'm sorry, but I'm just not enjoying it anymore. I mean, bringing interplanetary goverments toppling down is all well and good, but Lord Robin just wants to have fun. And I am definitely *not* having fun. [Kirsten thinks for a moment, then stands up.] KIRSTEN This is all because of those two little bitches, isn't it? ROBIN What? KIRSTEN Don't pretend you don't know. This whole operation has gone to hell since they came aboard. First you assign them here, for god knows what reason, then they act suspiciously every waking moment and you just ignore it! You even go yourself to rescue them from Zaedi! Hasn't it occurred to you to wonder what they were doing there in the first place? ROBIN I suppose you know? KIRSTEN They were trying to warn the planet. I'm certain of it. I got information from a very reliable source. ROBIN "Reliable--"? Oh, you DIDN'T! I thought we'd agreed you were going to leave Hiyoko alone! KIRSTEN And I thought I told you it was a waste of her talents! She's a very useful tool, if you press the right buttons. [Robin shakes his head and looks at the floor again.] Robin, just before the attack, a powerful hyperspace signal was detected on the ship. I believe it came from either Percy or Cory. ROBIN Really? That's wonderful, dear. Leave the spy-work to me, okay? KIRSTEN I've already sent Hiyoko after them, so you might as well give me your blessing. [For a long while, neither of them says anything. Robin just stares at Kirsten, an unbelieving look on his face.] ROBIN Oh. Well, since you put it that way... Do what you have to do. KIRSTEN Thank you. [Kirsten turns to leave.] ROBIN Kirsten? [Kirsten stops and turns around.] KIRSTEN Yes? ROBIN Thank you for making things clear to me. [Kirsten smiles and turns to leave. Robin watches her take a few steps, then pulls a gun out of his vest and shoots her in the back. She staggers, drops to her knees, and dies with a surprised and betrayed look on her face. Robin looks at the gun and tosses it away.] Yuri... Oh, dammit... [Cut to Yuri and Kei chasing Hiyoko down a corridor. They stop in front of a large, heavy set of sliding doors.] HIYOKO Let me check to make sure nobody's in there. I'll only be a moment. KEI Gee, is this a real big secret? HIYOKO It's kinda personal. [Hiyoko pushes a control and the doors slide open. She walks through and the doors close behind her. Inside are various pieces of heavy machinery, one of which is being worked on by a mechanic. She looks underneath one of the machines.] There it is! MECHANIC Oh, hi, Hiyoko! What are you doing here? HIYOKO I lost a ring underneath this thing yesterday! Could you get it for me, pleeeease? [The mechanic hops off the machine he's working on.] MECHANIC (laughs) Sure. I swear, Hiyoko, you'd lose her head if it wasn't screwed on! HIYOKO I know! I'm so silly! [As the mechanic bends over to look for the ring, Hiyoko grabs him from behind and breaks his neck. She then effortlessly flings the body behind one of the larger pieces of equipment, and opens the door.] Come on, guys! YURI What took you so long? HIYOKO Oh, just making sure it was there. [The girls walk in and the door slides shut behind them.] KEI So what's this big secret, Hiyoko? YURI Yeah, we're just dying to know. HIYOKO Just a moment. [Hiyoko walks over to the door control and punches it. It smashes to bits and throws off sparks. She turns around, face perfectly blank. With a "CHAK" noise, metal blades about a third of a meter long pop out of the underside of both her wrists.] KEI Th-that's a real neat trick! Are you going to teach us how to do it? [With lightning speed, Hiyoko charges the Pair. Kei ducks as Hiyoko swings, and loses some hair. Yuri grabs Hiyoko by the arm, but Hiyoko throws her through the air and she lands sprawling. Now off-balance, Kei trips her, and Hiyoko goes sprawling herself.] YURI Let's get out of here!! [The girls run away from the broken door. Hiyoko gets up and chases them through the huge storeroom.] YURI Recognize that look in her eyes? KEI Are you thinking what I'm thinking? YURI That we're fighting the galaxy's cutest combat bioroid? KEI Yeah! Oh, man, I hope there's another way out of here! [The girls see a wall at the end of the corridor formed by the machinery.] Guess not. [Cut to Hiyoko, a few steps behind. She arrives at the point where the girls were, but they are nowhere to be found. Hiyoko searches.] YURI NOW! HEAVE!!! [A piece of equipment slowly topples over and lands on Hiyoko.] KEI GOT 'ER!!! YURI Like hell! If she's the model I think she is, that'll barely slow her down! [Sure enough, the weight begins to shift as Hiyoko struggles.] To coin a phrase: "COME ON!!" [The Angels run back to the door. Yuri begins frantically to fiddle with the smashed opening controls. A crash is heard from behind.] KEI Oh, god, Yuri, hurry up, hurry up, HURRY UP!! [The switch sparks and the door opens as Hiyoko comes running up. Yuri tears the wires out and the Pair hurry through before the door closes again.] That'll hold her, right? YURI For a while. KEI For a WHILE??! YURI She's *real* strong! KEI So I noticed! We've got to find help! YURI It's the night shift. There's nobody around! KEI Engineering! That boyfriend of hers is *always* working on that thing! He probably knows what's going on and he seemed to like us! [The girls run off. Seconds later, the doors start to separate. They creak and groan as Hiyoko pushes them apart with her bare hands. Cut to engineering. Tony is working on the half-warp system with another technician.] TONY Give me a reading on the flux. TECH Uh, 6.107. [Kei and Yuri come running in.] YURI Tony! You have to help us! KEI Yes! Guns! We need them! Now! TONY What in the galaxy is wrong with you two? YURI It's Hiyoko, she's-- [Hiyoko enters the room, blades retracted.] ...*really* fast! TONY Hiyoko? What's going on? [Hiyoko says nothing, but walks over to where the technician is watching a control board. He takes no notice of her. Tony walks over, despite the Pair's attempts to silently wave him away.] Hiyoko, are you mad at me again? I promise we'll have hours to spend together as soon as I'm done with this. [Hiyoko grabs the technician's head with one hand and smashes it into the control board.] GOD!! Why did you do that? HIYOKO No witnesses. [Hiyoko grabs Tony by the shirt collar with her left hand and pulls him forward while driving through his chin with her right, snapping his neck like a twig. She drops his body then looks up to see that the girls have disappeared. She starts to mechanically cock her head in several directions, searching the room with her ears as well as her eyes. Kei and Yuri hide on the balcony, trying to remain completely motionless, not daring to even breathe. Hiyoko finally gives up and turns to leave the room. Relieved, Kei lets out a breath. Hiyoko snaps her head toward the sound. Kei mouths the word "shit". The girls run away from the steps leading down to the floor, only to have Hiyoko jump up to the balcony in front of them.] YURI No, Hiyoko, WAIT!! [Hiyoko stops but stays ready to fight.] KEI Yuri, we've gotta run! YURI She'd only catch up. [She approaches Hiyoko.] Hiyoko, wait! Please, try to think! You don't know what you're doing, you're just running a program! Please, I thought we were friends. I thought you liked us. [Yuri takes one step too close and Hiyoko gives her a vicious kick to the chin, knocking her back. She lands motionless, eyes open. Hiyoko waits to see what Kei will do.] KEI *Now* can we run, Yuri? [Yuri doesn't move.] Yuri? Come on, get up. [Yuri still doesn't move. Kei waves a hand in front of her eyes. She doesn't blink.] This isn't funny, Yuri! Oh, no. Oh, no, you're not breathing. No. No, no, NOOOOOOO! YOU BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH!!!! [Crazed, Kei charges Hiyoko. Hiyoko pops a blade and swings, but misses and Kei punches her in the stomach, knocking her down. Kei jumps on top of her and repeatedly hits her in the face with both hands.] KILL--YOU!! KILL!! KILL!! KILL!! KILL!! [Hiyoko gets her legs into Kei's torso and sends her flying forward over Hiyoko's head, where she lands on her back. Hiyoko leaps to her feet and backs toward the prone Yuri, who lifts a leg and trips her. Tottering, Hiyoko falls over the edge of the balcony.] HIYOKO EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! [Hiyoko hits the huge energy bubble and is immediately fried to a crisp. Yuri gets up and looks down.] KEI Yuri? You're ALIVE! Oh, thank god you're--WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT TO ME?!! YURI You fought like a woman possessed. I should die more often! I'm just glad you didn't think to take a pulse. Eeyuck. What a way to die. KEI Maybe we should get back to our quarters before someone connects us with this. YURI (sniff sniff) What's that smell? KEI Baked Hiyoko. YURI No, that other smell, like... like burning electronics. [The girls look down at the half-warp system. Hiyoko's blackened corpse is half-in, half-out of the energy bubble. The blade from her arm is jammed into a control board and energy flows from the bubble into the panel, causing it to spark and short.] KEI Uhhh, you think maybe we'd better get the hell out of here? YURI The thought *has* crossed my mind. [The girls run like hell down the steps and out of engineering. Suddenly a loud buzzing noise is heard from the room they just left and the entire scene seems to warp and bend. The girls scream and collapse as they are overcome by the effect.] KEI Whuh... What was that? YURI I think the ship just warped into a gravity well. KEI I thought that was impossible. YURI Oh, it's possible, if you don't mind the ship being torn apart!! [Lord Robin's entire fleet warps into existence in close proximity to a star. Several ships explode as they materialize. Back on the Skinny Puppy, the half-warp system detonates with an excruciatingly loud roar. As Kei had predicted, all the slaved warp systems on the remaining ships explode. Panic breaks out on the Skinny Puppy as sirens go off. On the bridge, the crew tries frantically to restore power to various systems. Cut to Lord Robin's quarters. He winces as the star fills the window, which automatically turns black.] ROBIN Well, then. Looks like the decision has been made for me. [Lord Robin walks out of his quarters and down a corridor, ignoring the noise and commotion. Cut to Kei and Yuri, who are finding it hard to keep standing as the entire ship rocks and shakes.] KEI What's going to happen?! YURI The fleet's going to fall into the star! They can't escape with their engines destroyed! KEI Do we have to go with it? YURI We could try to get to the shuttlebay. Maybe something there is powerful enough to escape, but it I doubt it--OH! [Yuri reaches into her top.] KEI Your transmitter! YURI Yeah! Now we have to hope someone hears it! [The ship shakes violently and the floor begins to break. A decompression door closes between the two girls. Kei tries to make it under, but misses.] KEI YURI!! YURI Walk farther down! Try to find a parallel corridor! KEI Okay! [Yuri swiftly walks back the way she came. She turns a corner and nearly bumps into Lord Robin.] ROBIN Oh! You're alive! I didn't think there was any hope. [Yuri moves toward him.] YURI Listen-- [Robin pulls a gun and holds it on her.] ROBIN No. Don't come any closer. I'm not going to hurt you, just don't come any closer. YURI Robin-- ROBIN I told you my real name, and you won't use it. Would it help if I used yours, Yuri? YURI Huh? You--you know? ROBIN I've known since I first saw you. The 3WA sends the infamous Dirty Pair to infiltrate my fleet, and they don't expect me to recognize you? Get real! YURI Then-- [The ship rocks violently.] Then why did you let us on board? ROBIN I'm still not entirely sure. I guess I figured if I kept an eye on you but left you alive, I wouldn't have to worry about the 3WA sending agents I wouldn't recognize. Maybe I thought I could convert you to the cause and use that clairvoyant power of yours. But mainly, I just think you intrigued me. [The ship rocks again, and Yuri and Robin nearly fall.] This doesn't matter, you know. I wouldn't have been able to go on anyway. I lost that comfortable numb feeling that allowed me to kill billions while I danced. Go on, your friend is waiting. This corridor joins with another down the line. YURI But-- ROBIN If you hurry, you may be able to make the shuttle bay. Take my shuttle, it's got special thrusters that might get you to safety. The access code is 7682. Take this... [He fishes a data chip out of his pocket and tosses it to her.] It's a list of all my contacts. It's one of the things you came for, isn't it? YURI Come with us! ROBIN And go on trial? YURI You're Lord Robin! You could plead insanity! ROBIN And then what? They'd cure me? Yuri, I can barely live with myself *now*. You woke me up, and I'm not sure I can accept what I did while I was sleepwalking. [Another vicious tremor rocks the ship.] No. No, I think I'll stay here and become a legend. Maybe you could write a poem about me. "The Ballad of Lord Robin". YURI I'm not a poet. ROBIN You have the soul of one. [pause] Go on. Go, before I get all mushy. [Yuri walks up to Robin. He brings the gun up, but she pushes it aside and kisses him. After a moment, she breaks off and runs. She meets up with Kei.] KEI I thought I'd lost you! YURI Let's get to the shuttle bay! Lord Robin's told me how to access his shuttle! KEI What?! YURI I'll explain later! [Cut to Lord Robin's dance studio. He enters and the lights automatically come on. He walks to the exact center of the studio.] ROBIN One...two...three...FOUR! [A high-energy dance tune starts. With his world being destroyed around him, Lord Robin dances. Kei and Yuri hurry across the catwalk Hiyoko had shown them earlier. As they cross over, equipment below them explodes. A powerful tremor tears the catwalk apart just as they make it across. Outside, several smaller ships are literally torn apart. Others begin to melt as they fall closer and closer to the star. In Lord Robin's studio, the artificial gravity fails. The music continues, and he floats through the air in a graceful zero-g ballet. The Angels continue to hurry toward the shuttles. The floor beneath them tears apart, separating them by a chasm. With encouragement from Kei, Yuri jumps across. The wall behind Lord Robin tears away, revealing a sea of color. Incredibly, the music does not stop, and Lord Robin continues to dance. Kei and Yuri reach the shuttle bay. They search and recognize the shuttle that rescued them from Zaedi. Due to the shaking which gets more violent with each second, it takes Yuri three tries to enter the code. The Angels get in the shuttle and seal the hatch just as the shuttle bay disintegrates around them. They fire the thrusters and leave the area. Glowing like an angel, Lord Robin turns a final pirouette and dissolves into a sparkling mist. In the shuttle, Kei pilots.] KEI Where are those special thrusters you were talking about? YURI I think it's this button here--WHOOMPH!! [The thrusters come on and the girls are knocked back into their seats by the acceleration. Behind them the Skinny Puppy breaks up and explodes as it shrinks into the distance. Suddenly, the thrusters stop.] KEI What? Is that all? YURI Guess so. Was it enough? [Kei checks some displays.] KEI No. We're still falling into the star. YURI Oh. [pause] Guess this is it, then. KEI Guess so. [A bright light flashes in front of the shuttle as a ship warps in.] YURI KEI!!! It's the Lovely Angel! [She grabs the comm mike.] Shuttle to Lovely Angel! Mughi, it's us!! Hurry! [She drops the mike and the girls hug each other with relief.] * * * Fade to Kei and Yuri in the living quarters of the Lovely Angel. They are playing chess, and Yuri is looking thoughtful.] KEI What's up, Yuri? You haven't moved an inch for ten minutes! YURI Someone asked me to write a poem and I'm trying to think of how to begin it. KEI Really? Well, *you* asked someone to play chess with you, and she's getting annoyed that you haven't made your move yet! YURI Oh, I'm sorry! Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... [She moves a piece.] Checkmate. [Kei falls over backward in her chair.] KEI I don't believe it! Oh, well. [She jumps up.] Time for handball! YURI Do I have to? I always end up full of bruises! KEI You promised! Besides, the bruises are the best part! [A chiming alarm is heard from the bridge. Kei and Yuri hurry over to see what's wrong.] YURI Distress signal. Not far from here. [Cut to a view of a horrible, rickety, old clunker of a ship. The Lovely Angel zooms into view. On the bridge, Yuri works the communication controls.] YURI Lovely Angel to damaged vessel, please identify yourself! VOICE Lovely Angel? EX--CELLENT!! KEI Oh, no... VOICES Wow, man, the Lovely Angel! Let me talk to them! Like, dude, I was here first! Can I see Mughi? Yeah, I want his autograph! KEI We *could* just leave them... [Cut to a view of the two ships, then pan left until only stars are visible.] ROBIN (VO) Until next time, this is Lord Robin saying "Follow your dreams, and KEEP ON ROCKING!" T H E E N D